Death Wish 2 - 1982's Gift to Rape Scenes
Riv , 2011/05/15 02:52

Reviewed several weeks ago on this site, the original DEATH WISH broke new ground in the mid-1970s at a time where "taking the law into your own hands" and "vigilantism" wasn't the norm in the media for superheroes, action stars, or protagonists in novels. Controversy does in fact create cash though so following the success of the original Death Wish came DEATH WISH 2, a movie that would top its predecessor meaning one thing:

Paul Kersey is going to have another REALLY BAD DAY.

So sit back, kick back, relax, drink a few beers, and enjoy... WHAT THE FUCK MOM, GET OUT OF MY ROOM, I'm TRYING TO WATCH DEATH WISH 2 HERE! ARE YOU FUCKIN' CRAZY? Err... sorry. Anyway, enjoy this guided tour of one ugly little man's vendetta against street crime.

PREVIOUSLY ON DEATH WISH: Paul Kersey was a mild-mannered architect until one day Jeff Goldblum and two other mongs followed his wife and daughter home, punted his wife in the skull, and killed her. They also spraypainted his daughter's ass orange and forced her to give one of them a sloppy blowjob. The inaction of the police department caused Kersey to become a gun-toting vigilante killing every black person street thug in New York City he came across. This eventually led to the cops investigating him but because his war on crime had actually helped the city rather than arrest him they decided to simply BAN Kersey from New York City and send him to Chicago.

Somehow, Paul Kersey didn't stay in Chicago. My guess is either:

a) He was embarrassed to be in the same city as the Chicago Cubs.

b) His urge to shoot Bozo the Clown increased and thus he left because Bozo isn't technically a criminal so shooting him would be wrong.

c) In 1978 Phillip Jack Brooks was born and there could only be one true king of the motherfuckers in Chicago.

Anyway, Kersey is now in Los Angeles and crime is at the worst it has been in five years, but Paul Kersey is back to his normal life, in a nice house, and even bought himself a Members Only jacket (the hip style of the early 1980s) and a cheap immigrant maid to clean up after him.

They need more Lemon Pledge. The maid doesn't want to hear all these depressing radio but they're all happy regardless as Kersey is happy. He has a new blonde girlfriend that he hopes won't get punted in the skull and he is taking care of his daughter who apparently due to the trauma of having her ass spray-painted orange by Jeff Goldblum the King of the Jews, is now unable to speak. She had a husband in the first film but it can be assumed that he got tired of her screaming like a maniac every time he wanted to get some pussy and walked out. Other than the fact his daughter is a blithering fuckin' retard life's pretty good for Paul Kersey.

You thought I was lying? That bitch is R to the Tarded. I'm talking "Greeter at Wal-Mart" bad. And she dresses like the cast of the Facts of Life. She's looking a lot better and a lot happier. The doctor says she's slowly starting to speak again but it's only a few words. Kersey is concerned that she may never be ok again because it's been two years.

Dr. Light from the Mega Man games basically tells Kersey "all you need to do is give her your love and your prayers." She probably doesn't want to see orange shit either so she can probably never eat Cheetos again after what she went through. They enjoy a good day walking through the park and looking at kites.

A Mariachi band is performing in the street and Kersey buys his daughter a crystal unicorn which makes her very happy... isn't she in her mid-20s? Yep. Retarded. Grown-ass woman wants to play My Little Pony; GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. Kersey decides to buy this grown-ass woman ICE CREAM. Really? REALLY? BITCH. IS A FUCKING. MUTE. It's not like buying her some rocky road is going to make her break out into the majesty of song. This isn't Disney, bro.

Kersey in the process of going to get ice cream passes by the FABULOUS FIVE , consisting of a guy in a cut-off yellow shirt, a little white albino monkeyman who is already going bald, a black monkeyman with a boom box, a homeless-looking black dude, and finally LAURENCE FISHBURNE IN A FUCKING COWBOY HAT.

Although they are never called by name according to the cast list the five men are: Stomper, Jiver, Cutter, Punkut and Nirvana. That actually sounds like a bunch of Transformers that combine to form one giant robot.

The thugs think Kersey looks like an easy mark and decide they should mug him.

They steal his ice cream money and begin making monkey sounds and gestures as they snatch the money from his hand. I am not making this up. Screenshot here proves they ACTUALLY DO THIS. Man, if I were that ugly I'd probably resort to a life of crime too. Kersey actually realizes after the taunting what they have done and chases one of them down. Cornered the little dude pulls out a switchblade but Kersey counters and immediately begins to give him some reach-around action.

Kersey is pissed when he realizes this thug does not have his wallet and tosses his switchblade over a fence. Kersey returns and claims he forgot his wallet to save face with his girlfriend and daughter. While Kersey has a fun day, the thugs, not too happy he roughed one of them up and touched his balls decide to pay Paul Kersey a visit since they have his wallet.

The thugs discover Kersey's house and decide to check to see if Paul's home where only his maid happens to be home. Rather than commit an act of violence they first decide to smoke dat blunt outside.

There's something amusing about fuckin' Morpheus making an ugly face while smoking weed outside some dude's house and giving us the battle cry of "SUPER-FIIIIIIIINNNEEE" while wearing some ugly pink glasses and a cowboy hat. Forget CSI. Forget the Matrix. Forget Boyz n the Hood or Searching for Bobby Fischer, Laurence Fisburne's greatest moment was right in this fucking moment.

The thugs proceed to scout Kersey's place. I think it's about to become a very bad day to be a minimum wage Mexican maid. These men knock on the door pretending to have a delivery for Mr. Kersey. This distraction allows the Fabulous Five to break into the house where they will give their delivery...

....of fuckin' rapetime. In fact the scene couldn't simply be described and drew so much controversy it is removed from the majority of the versions of Death Wish 2 - said to be one of the most uncomfortable rape scenes in cinema today, it still causes controversy. I couldn't put it on YouTube or DailyMotion due to its content so at great expense to me and at no expense to you I have brought you the scene in its entirety above. Personally I think it's hilarious, especially when the maid is forced to blow the big goofy guy and Fishburne tells her to "quietly do it nice." I must be a really fucked up person to be completely desensitized to this scene. But if you're reading JasonRivera.com you're probably pretty fucked up yourself so I don't feel so bad. Kersey comes home mid-rape where he gets his ass kicked and the thugs high-tail it out of there after killing his maid. They also decide to kidnap Kersey's daughter.

While Kersey is knocked out, his girlfriend is interviewing the Senator of California who is against the Death Penalty. We go back and The Fabulous Five have Kersey's daughter. They're worried because she's seen them and so has Kersey. Fisburne explains that it's no big deal because they all look the same to Whitey anyway.

One of the guys realizes Kersey's girlfriend is anatomically correct and tells her "I'm gonna FUCK YOU, lady. YOU STRANGE!" I really want to be able to tell a woman that before I engage in sexual intercourse with her before I die. It's on my bucket list.

She doesn't resist at all as her rather "really fucking good for the early 1980s" tits are exposed to the world. She actually lays back and lets him fuck her without resistance or without fear. Even on her face she almost seems to enjoy it. I think this is the first ever white woman to allow a black guy to have sex with her. Back then it never happened as opposed to now where white girls ONLY fuck black dudes.

Fishburne looks on while eating Twizzlers like "AWW YEAH." Laurence Fishburne is dope. When one of the other guys tries to get a turn next, however, she gets up and makes a run for it and promptly jumps out a window getting herself impaled on a fence.

Didn't I see this in Mortal Kombat? The girlfriend comes home to find Kersey just now waking up after the brutal assault at the hands of five guys. Finally the cops show up and claim Kersey's description of the thugs isn't very clear - I guess Fishburne was right when he said "they all look the same to him." The cops tell Kersey that they checked the database and found this has happened to Kersey before. He explains he had a detailed description of the attackers in New York but they were never found. He's got a point. I'm pretty sure if you look up "Ugliest Jew on the Planet" Jeff Goldblum turns up almost immediately. Kersey finds out his daughter is dead. I told you this motherfucker was going to have a bad day.

His girlfriend tries to console him but he can't feel better. The last thugs let his daughter live... with the life of being a Sloppy Blowjob Victim. This is different. Kersey relieves stress the only way he knows how:

Chopping wood in the forest alone with a fucking axe. That can't possibly be mentally healthy.

Kersey goes back to work pretty quickly. His girlfriend wants to give him some loving but he pretty much tells her he is not "fit company for socializing" which I guess is the 1980s term for "my dick can't get hard." I guess if my daughter and maid were gangraped and murdered by goons I wouldn't be able to maintain an erection either... wait, what the fuck am I saying? Yes, I fucking would. Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac. I'd fucking LIVE inside my girlfriend's vagina during a time like that.

The cops tell Kersey they have some mugshots for him to look at. He doesn't think he can find them. He refuses, having no faith in the cops. It's not that Paul can't remember. It's that Paul can remember, and even though he might be shooting blanks his motherfuckin' gun ISN'T.

Business is about to pick up. The Vigilante has just come out of retirement. Kersey goes to a shitty part of town where he finds these people.

Personally I wish he would shoot ALL of them. I can't remember any time period where looking like that was cool. Is that fuckin' Dangle from Reno 911 on the left? And what's with the guy in the Target vest in the center with the fucked up nose and matching headband? And why does the woman on the left have tribal warpaint? I'm not even going to start on Giant Mong on the right or I will be here all fucking night.

Kersey stares every one of these people down and keeps walking. He finds two thugs breaking into a car and he even leaves them alone. This time Paul Kersey isn't going to let this shit slide unlike the three guys he didn't go after in New York. Kersey changes into his VIGILANTE costume in a dirty bathroom stall.

Forget the Punisher Skull or the Bat on the chest of Batman. When you see Paul Kersey out on that little beanie hat and that long coat, shit is about to get real. He rents a room from some Asians on the ugly side of town. My guess is it's easier to find the scum of the earth when you're living among them. Kersey starts ignoring his girlfriend while searching for the thugs and fins the first of them - the monkey-faced white boy.

He follows him and some other thugs to an abandoned building. They're in the middle of a drug deal. One of the thugs gets GUNNED DOWN! But Kersey lets the two other men go - this time it's personal, not business. Monkey-Man must stay. Kersey corners him with his gun at the ready and notices his cross, leading to the absolute best line ever.

Kersey: Do you believe in Jesus?
Thug: Yes, I do.
Kersey: Well, you're gonna meet Him.

GUNNED DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER!

Kersey puts one more bullet in him to make sure he's dead. Paul Kersey is NOT mothefuckin' playing. He goes home to rest and relax and makes plans with his girlfriend for Friday night. Tomorrow night is taken... for revenge. This time, Kersey is looking for black men in cowboy hats. Kersey doesn't find Morpheus but he does find another little short black motherfucker who looks very familar.

And he's about to rape him a white bitch in a van in front of her fat out of shape husband. The two guys beating on the husband are quickly GUNNED DOWN. And even with an Uzi the other men are no match for Paul Kersey.

Oh hey, more tits. Tits are good. And for 1980 we have another above average set of tits! Kersey follows and shoots the little black dude in the ass when he tries to escape. He also manages to grab another gun from one of the other fallen men and follows the trail of blood. The crafty little negro tries to throw bottles to distract Kersey who follows him into an abandoned warehouse (why is so much shit abandoned) and then tries to run Kersey over with a forklift. Kersey simply sidesteps. Up next.

LITTLE NEGRO GETS GUNNED DOWN! And all Kersey says to this little bastard is a simple "goodbye." Kersey escapes before the cops can make it here. I love how the cops are only on top of shit when Kersey kills people and not when people fuck with Kersey. The cops interrogate the husband and wife and they won't give the cops anything because he saved their lives. They give the cops a fake description. The cops are upset because they clearly have a GODDAMN VIGILANTE. The authorities are worried that a vigilante will attack anyone with long hair and tacky clothes and begin to look into information about the Vigilante of New York.

Oh shit, really creepy inept cop is BACK! He points out that Paul Kersey is in Los Angeles and it has to be Kersey. He explains how Kersey left Chicago for Los Angeles and the New York City cops are worried if Kersey is caught in Los Angeles it will lead back to them and they will take the heat for it. New York sends Inept Cop to stop Paul Kersey. This could get very bad for our favorite VIGILANTE.

It's not often GANG RAPE makes headlines and in Los Angeles it's probably pretty so fucking common that it doesn't even make page 20, so I had to screenshot it. Inept Cop, THE MASTER of breaking into houses breaks into Kersey's girlfriend's house and reveals his identity to his girlfriend. Meanwhile the vigilante is out on the hunt again. Kersey's girlfriend becomes increasingly suspicious of him and confronts him about killing muggers, revealing that Inept Cop is in town and he's forced with a dilemma: lie or tell the truth.

C'mon. I got nasty hair and an ugly mustache. Do I look like I kill motherfuckers all night to you? He explains that Inept Cop is just a crazy person whose paranoia ran him out of New York and kisses his girlfriend using smooth talk and kisses to get her to listen. Wow, Paul Kersey is fuckin' pimpin'. Inept Cop does not like this. He sets his own car up as a decoy for Kersey to sneak past it so he can follow Kersey into the night. Kersey has found the last three men on the bus and follows them to the park where they engage in the best dancing this side of Calcobrena from Final Fantasy.

Only in Los Angeles do you dance and buy guns all in one fluid motion. Kersey takes to the trees and is about to open fire but Inept Cop and his secret boyfriend begin firing on Kersey first, alerting the thugs to the wacky antics in the trees.

This Triple Threat GUNFIGHT leads to Inept Cop getting GUNNED THE FUCK DOWN once and for all by the Fabulous five four Three. Monkey Black Guy and Lawrence Fishburne are also GUNNED DOWN.

Morpheus didn't realize not only is there no spoon in this reality but that hiding your face behind a boom box does not make good protection from BULLETS. I love how he made the gimpy arm retard motion as he died, though. What a champ. The arms dealer is also blown up in the cross fire and only the really tall Will Ferrell-like white guy is left. Kersey finds Inept Cop who in his dying moment tells Kersey GET THE MOTHTAFUCKA FUH ME!

Now you're thinking like a cop you fat lazy fuck. The cops catch Black Monkey Man who reveals Nirvana, Charles Wilson, the tall white Will Ferrell guy is the only one left and he gunned Inept Cop down. Kersey goes back to his day job for a while. However the cops have found NIRVANA and so has Paul Kersey.

Nirvana gets away after doing drugs with two girls, one of whom is topless and not paying attention to the gunfire because she has her headphones on. - topless. They must be Sonys. The cops chase Nirvana but the PCP gives him super strength and he literally beats up and entire police force. However, they call for back up. Kersey is not pleased and begins to lick his wounds from his brief battle with Nirvana but with the thug leader in custody will Kersey ever have his revenge?

Probably not because it's FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GONNA GET LAID ON FRIDAY... I fuckin' hate that song. Anyway, Kersey has to spend time with his girlfriend who is onto him since Inept Cop died in a shoot-out last night. Somehow Kersey manages to get out of it and goes to the court date where we find out that he's going to get off because they have no hard evidence against him other than the fact he was fucked up on PCP which has nothing to do with anything. He's relegated to a mental institution for help. Kersey is clearly unhappy about all of this. But his girlfriend convinces him Dr. Clark is a smart man who knows how to help these people. They decide to take a trip to the mental home so he can meet Dr. Clark.

Oh fuck that! You don't even have to talk to this fucker to know he's bat-shit insane himself. He's almost as bad as Dr. Bishop on Fringe. I don't think this asshole's seen sunlight since 1916. When he graduated from medical school they printed diplomas on stone slabs. FUCK. THAT. As soon as Kersey sees this lunatic he immediately asks to go to the bathroom.

Oh, well THAT's not the bathroom. What could Paul be doing? Maybe dressing like a doctor to kill the last of the motherfuckers? Kersey doesn't get his revenge right away but steals a doctor ID to make a fake copy of it. Kersey asks his girlfriend over dinner to marry him in hopes that his girlfriend does not get punted in the skull. once she marries him. That should keep that bitch off his jock while he devises his master plan: Battle Wilson to the death.

Eventually in a fight that lasts less than 30 seconds Wilson slams his fist into the shock therapy machine and gets electrocuted. Kersey gets caught by the orderly but the orderly decides to give Kersey a head-start to escape before he rings the alarm.

I just realized this fucker looks like Mark Wahlberg. Maybe it's his fuckin' Dad, I don't fuckin' know; I'm drinking while writing this shit. Kersey escapes safely. Kersey is on the way to his girlfriend but she has found out the truth that Kersey killed Wilson disguised as a doctor. She leaves her ring on the fake ID she found in his apartment and leaves.

Kersey may have 99 problems. But a bitch... ain't one. Unless she gets punted in the skull. Kersey may be without a hoe but he continues his war on crime... AS THE VIGILANTE!!! Paul Kersey's life might not be complicated but with Death Wish 3 on the horizon you can be sure that he will have a bad day once again. Until that time, remember... guns fucking solve everything.

We are not role models.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com