Impact Is Riv - 8-25-2011
Riv , 2011/08/25 22:12

I don't know why I recap TNA Impact. I hate this fucking show.

We're reminded via commercial that Ric Flair and Sting are here. What year is it again? Did I die and wake up in 1997? Kurt Angle is going to hurt all the young talent. He started with Crimson but the upstart takes exception to Angle's attempt to purge anyone under the age of 40. He wants a one-on-on match with Kurt Angle. We start with Kurt Angle's music playing.

Angle is calling Crimson out who is in his gear ready for a fight but still visibly limping. Why do I have a feeling this "undefeated streak" of Crimson is about to come to an end? Kurt Angle says that all Crimson was until Kurt Angle was "Red's Little Brother." That was such a sad gimmick. Angle says he will end Crimson's undefeated streak and his career tonight.

This is interrupted by Immortal. Why do Immortal have to open up every show? Bully Ray says Immortal are going to take him apart but Angle stops them and says he wants this match with Crimson one-on-one. I still question the sense of Angle aligned with his bitch ex-wife and the guy who is laying the cockmeat to her on a regular basis.

Velvet's tits. Best part of the show. With Jacqueline, who looks like a black Gollum with tits, the worst part of the show - oh and ODB too, a woman who looks like she's proud of taking dumps. They have a six man aligned WITH Velvet who they've been feuding with. They want to know if they're on the same page for tonight. I don't give a shit what happens in that six woman match. Velvet's ass will be the highlight of the show and then it's all downhill from there.

Ric Flair is backstage getting yelled at backstage by Hogan and Bischoff, who tell Ric Flair that he has to "make this go away." Hulk Hogan claims Sting has become immune to pain & superhuman. It's called no-selling & you've done it for decades. Hogan says he's going to handle it. Meanwhile Angelina Love is going to tag with Los Prostitutos, Sarita and Rosita.

I wish Sarita had spare masks for ODB and Jacqueline.

Oh, thank you. If I could just see that for two hours, TNA's ratings would go up. Okay, as I said, I don't care about the rest of this. I feel like I'm watching Mileena from Mortal Kombat (Sarita) take on Goro (ODB) and a black Baraka (Jacqueline). I wish I could perform Fatalities on all of them. ODB and Jackie have a chance to turn on Velvet but they help her put Angelina Love away with a double suplex. Los Prostitutos are yelling at Angelina Love and berating her for getting the loss. Angelina shoves Rosita and Sarita and storms off.

We see someone's feet walking around backstage and when we come back Kid Kash has a one-on-one match with Jesse Sorensen whom he cost the match against Austin Aries. I automatically hate Jesse Sorensen because he's from Katy, TX. Bad history with that town. This X-Division match should be pretty solid which is a plus. The X-Division hold some of the hardest workers in TNA. Decent match, not the greatest but solid nonetheless. Kid Kash wins with a pull of the tights. Christy Hemme interviews Kid Kash after the match and Kid Kash talks about how he's a real veteran and tells Sorensen to keep on walking because he's a disrespectful little boy and he put him over his knee. This causes a face to face confrontation while Kid Kash sounds like someone's drunken redneck abusive step-father. That promo stunk.

A Bound For Glory Series Six-Man conveniently features Immortal vs. Fortune. Also The Pope is taking on RVD. I'm pretty sure Jerry Lynn will come out here and cost RVD more points.

Our score is shown. Negative 10 for Samoa Joe is just a joke. RVD is on the way out here for his match with the Pope. Pope is down to "already in the ring" status. Matt Morgan is commentating. I couldn't care less. We are told the Final Four will be determined next week. Yawn. RVD picks up 10 points by putting Pope away with a Surfboard Stretch Submission. After the match Samoa Joe ambushes and kills the Pope. Apparently D-Von is out with a Joe-related injury. D-Von does limp his way out here and reluctantly saves the Pope from Joe. We hit commercials.

People ask why D-Von brings his kids to Impact every week and I have concluded it's actually because they are grounded and having to watch TNA Impact every week is their punishment.

Robbie E is trying to hang out with Rob Terry. Rob Terry actually says he will think about it. Umm... wasn't Rob Terry in the British Invasion? The best part of this is Robbie E yelling OH, OH, OH, OH, OH and fistpumping. We cut to Scott Steiner backstage YELLING. Los Prostitutos try to jump Angelina backstage and Winter tries to pull a Chris Benoit on Rosita. Hogan is on the way to the ring. Oh man, this Impact is already slow enough without him.

Traci Brooks' tits are better than her face. She is using them to try to give Eric Bischoff a boner and convince him to put her in charge of the Knockouts division. Bischoff wants her to have some COCK... tails. She says she wants three. What a dirty bitch. I guess when you have an ugly face you gotta make up for it by being slutty.

Hogan and Flair are on the way to the ring. They call out Sting. Hogan says he will do anything to set it right and Sting says he wants milk, cookies, and unicorns and puppies in a homosexual voice and wants to hug Hogan and kiss him. Yes, it's that bad. On top of that... why would we bring in unicorns and puppies? So they could turn heel and join Immortal too? Sting and Flair argue and Sting says he wants to go through Flair to get to Hogan... at Bound For Glory.

AJ Styles calls out Daniels because he wants to clear the record about putting business out for the world to hear. Why do AJ and Daniels sound like a couple of homos? AJ wants to know why Daniels wants this rematch so bad. AJ Styles says he will give Daniels the match next week because he's got the BFG series. Daniels actually cried during this segment and made himself look even more like a homo. What the hell?

I literally don't care about the six man match. At all. I'm so sick of Immortal and so over Fortune. Abyss stands on the ramp crying. Haven't we had enough fucking crying on this show? Fuck it. I'm trying not to pig out on chocolate and I find myself needing comfort food as if I'm a fuckin' ruined woman. This shit is THAT bad. Bubba gets the pin over AJ, gaining 7 points. I really just find myself not caring at all. Anderson drives a Hummer to the ring. Oh man, this is stupid. Oh and Gunner gets his ass kicked again.

Gunner is always tweeting religious stuff. Right now he looks like the cover of Passion of the Christ.

Mickie James is MAD. Okay, Mickie. I apologize for wearing the Arby's shirt when I met you. Actually she's mad about how she lost the Knockouts Title and has her rematch next week.

When your promotion has Eric Young Looking Like a Homeless vs. Scott Baio, you've failed. This is like a bad Adam Sandler film. No. I refuse. This is just retarded. Fuck you, Eric Bischoff. Up next is the 1 on 1 match with Crimson and Kurt Angle. By the time this match has rolled along I absolutely DO NOT CARE. FUCK TNA.

Samoa Joe attacks Crimson towards the end of the match getting Kurt Angle disqualified and that's when Joe and Angle stare down Angle takes his leave and lets Joe destroy Crimson but Crimson manages to hold his own. We also see the BFG score at the end of the show.

It's about time. However after the match Crimson snaps about how he wants Joe next week and Joe attacks him again and stomps his wounded leg on a ladder into oblivion with the parting words "I may not have broken your streak but I just broke your FUCKING leg." I like Joe but it's too little too late, and I'm just glad this shit is over.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com