I have put this off as long as I possibly could. I've kept myself busy and I have also procrastinated. I have ignored, changed the subject, omitted, and denied wherever I could (not unlike a woman, who are the MASTERS of ignoring, changing the subject, omitting and denying - especially when it comes to me but that's another story). But it was in the air, haunting me and tormenting me. My best friend Curtis could feel it too, like a horrible stench not unlike the smell of death only somewhat more repugnant. He made sure to avoid me like the plague knowing that should he and I be in the same place at the same time, the horrible subject of our nightmares would have to be born into this world once again.
No, what I speak of is not having to play as homosexuals in Fable III, although that's pretty fucking bad in and of itself. No, what we have in front of us is something far worse than anything Peter Molyneaux could dream up in his wildest dreams of shitty game engines... Oftentimes I don't care what other people think, and I care even less about what other people want because I believe my needs outweigh the needs of the few, the needs of the many, and the needs of you however even I am sometimes forced by a thing such as fate to do things I do not want to do. And such this inevitability has come. It's not death, it's not taxes... it's Chyna filming her third pornographic movie.
And yet even with the material in front of me, I find that I cannot even do this write-up alone, as I have little motivation and even less will to live. Once upon a time there would be a woman who would motivate me with thoughts of blowing me while I wrote my articles - sadly these days have long since passed. Besides, I'm reviewing Joanie Laurer, whose snatch was the inspiration for the vintage Final Fantasy enemy known as Malboro, whose breath inflicts every disease in the game at the same time on its enemies. I somehow doubt that my cock would be at ease even in the mouth of a woman I wanted to make mouth-fuck to while writing this article.
Criminy! So I have no woman whom will console me, and my greatest ally after witnessing the video retreated into his cavern of sorrow and unlike me Curtis' wench does in fact care to hold him and take him to bed as he sheds tears of innocence forever lost. Who shall be my trusty partner to help me through this, my most unpleasant journey of writing up this hideous spectacle of grotesque sexual conduct?
Ahh, alcohol, my dear friend! In times of great peril, and in times where the loss of mental facilities is great, you truly live up to your name as "liquid courage." ...I really, really need to cut down on reading the Game of Thrones books. Look what it's done to my manner of speech and typing! Anyway, I've got my beer, but I don't have my money, before I go any further, I'm going to ask - no I'm going to demand that you, the reader at least help me pay for my pain and suffering by donating money to my PayPal account.
The money NEVER leaves that account nor does it go into my pocket - it goes STRAIGHT into keeping this site's doors open so that you can watch me suffer as I'm about to as I watch Backdoor To Chyna, a door I feel should have been sealed with concrete, then reinforced with Adamantium and never been allowed open to begin with.
Reluctantly I have forced Curtis to embark on this journey however, the reason this will end the trilogy is sadly Curtis would rather take his own life than to continue to live in a world where someone pays Joanie Laurer to have sexual intercourse on camera. I can't say I blame him.
In case anyone is wondering, that look above is not Curtis' default face and to be honest other than when watching Chyna Pornography I never have seen him make that face and I've known him since I was 13 years old. I think that Chyna Porn does physical damage to you compressing your mind and body much like the creation of midget slaves in Phantasm.
Seriously that bitch can make someone go from Jaime Lannister to Tyrion Lannister in 2.5 seconds.
I begin drinking my first beer and wondering if this is a good idea. Maybe instead of beer I should have invested in some Holy Water, a Cross, and a Whip like Simon Belmont in the Castlevania games. Dracula's curse ain't got shit on this.
The video opens up with some buildings. Which is fine by me. In fact I'd rather the buildings came to life and started having sex than what I'm about to witness. Does building porn even exist? You know porn where grown men and women are dressed like buildings and fuck? I think that would be a ground-breaking new place to take porn, Vivid, and I'd rather you do that than continue to pay Joanie to have sex on film.
Chyna appears. Despite having oodles and oodles of plastic surgery since the last time she appeared in an adult video she still looks fucking awful. The iconic Hollywood sign is in the background albeit censored. Personally I wish they'd uncensor that and censor Chyna instead but we don't always get what we want otherwise all of you would be suffering this video instead of me.
The credits roll with some horrible Hannah-Montana wannabe music. Chyna tries to appear sexy for a moment before we see the other cast members:
Dylan Ryder (no relation to Zack Ryder, I don't think)
and Curtis' favorite, Dayna Vendetta, who Curtis proudly claims "can get it."
Curtis adds that the problem is he doesn't understand why these lovely women would be in a pornographic video with Chyna and that he would not fuck that bitch with my dick and my father pushing. Anyway, it's a shame that these women are going to be in this pornographic film with Chyna as I feel that this is 2 Girls 1 Cup only this time Chyna IS the cup. I think I'd rather take the shit sundae.
Chyna is shown trying to look sexy and failing miserably. I've seen more attractive faces on a Stonehenge, which is one of the wonders of the world. Chyna is billed by many in wrestling circles as the 9th Wonder of the World - the wonder being "I wonder who the fuck thought it was a good idea to let this bitch star in adult films?"
Chyna tells us her backstory. She's originally from upstate New York. She might actually be the worst thing ever to come out of New York, thus letting Rafael Perez off the hook. Chyna talks about her fitness career before showing us her ass.
Chyna's ass hits me for 7301 Nature Damage and hits a debuff on me that will continually drain 1840 HP over the next 10 seconds. Seriously that bitch's ass is more masculine than mine and probably has more hair than mine; she needs to invest in some Sketchers Shape-Ups or something. With all the surgery this ugly skank has had you'd think that she could remove her chin and use it to create new ass-cheeks with. Curtis is also hit for a great deal of physical, mental and emotional damage at the sight of her ass:
On that note I think it's time to take another drink to numb some of the pain of this film.
That's better. I don't think I have enough beer to make it through this. NOT. GONNA. MAKE IT! Her voice is killing me as well as she continues to talk about her annoying, uninteresting life. I really don't want to hear all of this as I have actually read Chyna's biography "If They Only Knew," and found it to be the memoirs of a jaded bitch angry with Stephanie McMahon for stealing her boyfriend. Listen, bitch - they call that trading up in the world and it's the difference between Triple H being the future head of the WWE and starring in these atrocious videos with you. Her voice is really killing me as well because Chyna has always had that voice that sounds not unlike a transsexual. Chyna adds that her tits just sort of pop out and have a mind of their own - that's probably because they've attained sentience and are trying to run away from the rest of her. I can't stress enough how much I hate this already so I'm going to let Patrick Bateman from American Psycho do it for me:
I couldn't have said it any better. Chyna is still talking. My guess is she's trying to make this somehow more unbearable than her sex scenes. She tells us that when she first met the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels that he was putting the moves on her. Let me remind you what Chyna looked like at the beginning of her wrestling career:
And I quote Jim Ross the night Chyna debuted in the WWF: "Is that a woman?" I think we have our answer to why Shawn Michaels is religious now. If you put the moves on Chyna you should probably spend the rest of your life repenting and asking God for forgiveness.
JESUS SAW YOU FUCK JOANIE... And God is gonna get you too, Hunter.
And I have to ask God what I've done wrong when I see THIS VIEW ABOVE. Her vagina looks like it has an eyeball. The VaChyna looks like a villain from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers but I don't think even Rita Repulsa would dare summon it.
Curtis makes another depressed face and I try to think of better things like puppies and flowers and unicorns.. and Unicrons.
In fact I'd rather see Unicron's vagina than Chyna's. Here comes Chyna moaning and making noise even though she's not actually doing anything yet. She's just making noises in anticipation of grossing the audience out.
Egads! I really did not want a closer look at that. You can in fact even still see the ass-bumps she had from her previous videos. The advent of high-definition television and video has only made sure to intensify the sheer disgustingness of Joanie Laurer's private parts.
I can only respond with a facepalm, the first of many tonight. Chyna continues going to town on her girl parts. I wonder who the guy who ruined Chyna's girl parts to begin with was:
But I think the truth is the person responsible is the sexual re-assignment surgeon who did a chop-shop job converting her penis into a vagina.
If I could -1 them instead of +1 them via Google+ I would. That shit is just NASTY. Chyna continues going to town on herself which she's probably an expert at as I can't imagine anyone actually has sex with her for free hence the reason why we have these pornographic movies. I bet the people who have to have sex with her make a lot of money. When I see Chyna rub her pussy I feel like I'm watching a poltergeist enter the world from the other side of a Hellmouth.
Chyna tells us this video is the first time she's had girl on girl personally. I shudder to think a world now exists where women have had intercourse with Chyna. Cue the two brunettes showing up. I also notice that Chyna has green eyes. I used to have a thing for green eyes. That thing is now dead. Forever.
What worries me when I realize she had green eyes is that I think of one of my favorite movies Big Trouble In Little China and realize that the potential is there to make Little Trouble in Big Chyna as a pornographic movie but I don't think even Lo Pan would go there. If you're too young to know what Big Trouble In Little China is, fuck you - go rent it or download it NOW. Actually if you're too young to know what Big Trouble In Little China is, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING EVEN READING THIS ARTICLE?
You know your life has hit rock bottom when you're about to put your face in that, I don't care how much they are paying you. In fact I can't watch this without increasing my alcohol intake.
That's much better. I can't help feeling that this is a horrible thing. You hate to see that happen. Pretty brunettes eating nasty pussy. I mean if you want to eat nasty shit you can do that on television and it doesn't have to be X-Rated. It's called Fear Factor and I'm pretty sure that all that nasty shit they eat on that show is actually better than Chyna's man-woman juices. Whatever they're paying these women to have sex with Chyna someone should double it to make them stop.
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things doesn't belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the other by the time we finish our song? The worst part is this particular song goes on a long time. Usually when you put two naked women in front of me, I stand at full attention. But when you put them in front of me with Chyna added to the mix, I can only sit here and frown. I hate to say this but for once I'd rather be watching TNA Impact.
Chyna's ass again. The bumps on that shit make me think of a map of the mall when you get lost. I mean how the fuck do you STILL have bumps on your ass? Can't you fucking Oxycute 'em? Sadly she turns around which is even worse. She gets fingered which I feel merciful enough to spare you the pain. Bitch's vagina looks like Kabal's face from Mortal Kombat.
I need another beer.
Usually I love blowjob eyes. Nothing gets me going more than when a woman makes those eyes at you while she's sucking your dick.
When I see it with Chyna however, my dick goes into hiding like a shy turtle. Her socks remind me of Beetlejuice who is probably easier on the eyes naked than Chyna. I wonder if we say her name three times fast if she goes away like Beetlejuice. I mean really... Her pussy already looks like it was created by Tim Burton. You know how every year the Horror Community comes up with 8 Films to Die For? THIS IS ALL 8 FILMS ROLLED INTO 1.
I really wish this guy would keep with the wrestling motif and either tombstone her, Alabama Slam her, or just go ahead and back suplex the ho, preferably off the rail in the background. I'll tell you right now, putting your face in her vagina IS NOT DASHING! That's just fucking disgusting! Why would you do that? The 69 position might be ruined for me after this.
Shortly after the fucking begins. This is killing my sex drive entirely. Curtis remarks this should be a public service announcement for abstinence. I agree - I've already had sex in my life and I think I want to be abstinent - FOREVER. Chyna's asshole reminds me of the creature in Starship Troopers.
That thing is probably better for your dick than Joanie is.
Chyna continues to ruin the color purple for me, a color I used to find sexy on women...
She then switches to LEOPARD PRINT. I think I'd rather see people fuck an actual leopard than fuck Chyna. It's probably more hygienic too. She's ruined that look forever. I think Bam Bam from the Flinstones looks more sexually appealing in leopard print at this point and I don't even like children or boys. That bitch makes all of Hannah Barbera weep. I'd also like to point out that Backdoor To Chyna is THREE HOURS LONG. This is the worst 3 hours of my life since TNA Hardcore Justice.
It's finally time for the moment Vivid has put their hopes on. CHYNA ANAL SEX. Oh my God. No. NO. NOOOOOOOO.....
Sex in Chyna's pussy is bad enough. But sex in Chyna's ass hole? Let me explain something. When a woman lets a man fuck her in the ass it pretty much means she'll take it any way he wants her to do so which is why men often consider anal sex a great success... but this is Chyna we are talking about and there is nothing successful about this. It is the ultimate EPIC FAIL.
Of course this is a double standard. Triple H has dogged Stephanie McMahon's vagina out and the woman's pumped out three children and I'd still tear all her holes up while playing MY TIME...
...and then I'd nut in the bitch on purpose and unlike Hunter she'd have a male heir from my seed, too! But unfortunately I can't enjoy this at all... In fact it's time to get another beer.
Fuck my life. Really man. Somebody needs to write Vivid and tell them to stop. And they need to offer Casey Anthony more money. I will spooge for Casey Anthony getting reamed. They owe it to me after this. They really do. This shit, however, this Chyna shit - it makes the world suffer. It makes gas prices go up. The only thing that should go up Chyna's ass is an M-80 set to detonate.
Take a good look. This is the guy that fucked Chyna in the ass. He should be stoned to death. He continues to fuck her in the ass in other positions. It's not just fucking her in the ass but multiple times in multiple ways. That just should not happen. Ever. Not even if there is a fire. Sadly after he spooges on her I STILL have an HOUR of this shit to watch.
Curtis makes another sad face. He's only hanging in to see the blonde. Sadly the blonde is probably going to fuck Chyna too so that ruins everything. She talks about her wardrobe malfunctions in wrestling. I wish someone would shut her up by cracking a bottle over her head like the time Chris Jericho did it and actually hurt her in the process. Sadly NOBODY has a video of this.
Blonde chick's got great tits. I approve.
Blonde chick's got great ass. I approve.
Blonde chick in sex scene with Chyna. I DO NOT APPROVE.
I get another beer. I NEED another beer. At this point Curtis gives up in fury, anger, rage and disappointment and leaves. I have not heard from him since and thus I presume he is dead. I am not dead but my sex drive is another story.
And as if that wasn't ENOUGH, now we get to watch TWO MEN ON ONE CHYNA. Fortunately for us double penetration never happens which is the only sign of mercy shown this entire video. I'm just glad this shit ends. This shit is awful. This shit is so bad it makes gas prices go up everywhere. I can't remember the last time I suffered this much. I can feel my face melting off of my skull. And I will continue to drink many, many drinks to wash away the pain. I did this for you people. For every one of you. And for that, all of you should send me money, if you're female you should send me your tits, ass and pussies... and frankly... all of you should start treating me better because I deserve better than to have to sit through Chyna having sex - and Rivvie gets no love. Never. Vivid? Fuck you. Deliver me some Casey Anthony porn and we will call it even. If not I FUCKING HATE YOU. FOREVER. FOREVEEERRR. FOREEEEVVVVEEEERRRR.
Chyna wherever you are... please stop. I don't just mean stop making porn. Stop breathing. You'll do the world a huge favor. And all the guys who fucked her? Should have their dicks cut off like that guy at the end of that episode of Spartacus.
THAT is what we like to call JUSTICE. And I hope one day JUSTICE will be served... I will now go to sleep to have more nightmares than I ever previously had in my life before. Fuck you, Planet Earth!