The 26 Greatest Asians Ever!
PanzerMega , 2005/01/27 22:36

Original Postdate: Gook Day - 7-7-2003

In honor of July 7th, which marks our annual salute to Asians, I have created a list of the 26 Greatest Asians In History. It was originally going to be a Top 50 List, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't think of that many. Nevertheless, the people on this list have all contributed to the world in their own unique ways, and all of them are a credit to their respective races.

Shigeru Miyamoto

Shigeru Miyamoto is Nintendo's resident genius, and he has created some of the greatest videogame characters of all time, including Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Kid Icarus, Metroid, and like a million other games and spinoffs. And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, he stuck Mario in a Go-Kart and made the single greatest videogame of all time.

Mr. Miyagi

Thanks to Mr. Miyagi, Daniel-San learned many essential skills, such as catching flies with chopsticks, washing Miyagi's windows, and of course, kicking evil gang member's asses with his super karate kicks. Unfortunately, as the Karate Kid series progressed, Mr. Miyagi became less and less important. Miyagi's lowest point came in the third installment, where his teachings were limited to lessons about bonsai trees.

E. Honda

E. Honda from Street Fighter II has abilities far above that of most Japanese. Using his super sumo power, he can fly through the air headfirst like a missile, and also destroy his enemies with the dreaded 100 Hand Slap. While there were many other Asian characters in the Street Fighter series, none of them had the guts to wrestle in a towel, making E. Honda the man.

Piston Honda

Fear the TKO From Tokyo. Actually, Little Mac won his very first title from Piston Honda, in Mike Tyson's Punch Out. In the mid-80s, when The United States and Japan were deadlocked in a war of economics, this was an important symbolic victory for America. Thank you Piston Honda.

Ho Chi Minh

Ho Chi Minh was the leader of Communist North Vietnam during The Vietnam War. I can see how that would make him seem like a bad guy, but thanks to him, The Vietnamese learned important survival techniques such as hiding in baskets with grenades, and cutting off American feet. Some of these skills which still come in handy, even today.

Kaientai

After a successful career wrestling in Japan, Kaientai came to America and joined the WWF. Thanks to racially sensitive storylines including the time they tried to "Choppy Choppy The Pee Pee" of Val Venis, they eventually became nothing more than comedy jobbers. Taka went back home to Japan, and Funaki is still employed, but barely so.

Bruce Lee

Thanks to Bruce Lee, Asians actors have been widely accepted in Hollywood. Bruce Lee single-handedly made crazy kung fu popular the world over. His most notable accomplishment though was banging a white woman. Go Bruce Lee!

Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan is kind of like Bruce Lee, except that he uses kitchen appliances in innovative and deadly ways. Also, in his movie, Rumble In The Bronx, he gave his nephew a Sega Game Gear that worked even though there was no game inside. Truly, Jackie Chan's training has given him abilities far and beyond your typical Asian.

Mr. Fuji

Mr. Fuji combined popular Asian traits such as throwing blinding salt at his opponents face, with less conventional attributes like canes and bowler hats. After being a semi-successful wrestler in the 70s, Mr. Fuji finished his WWE career while managing Yokozuna. Mr. Fuji rocks.

Ming Na Wen

Ming Na Wen is on this list because she is the go-to girl every time that Hollywood needs a middle-aged Asian woman. Sadly for Ming, this does not happen very often. Speaking as someone who has endured both the Street Fighter live action movie, and The Joy Luck Club, I would have to say that maybe her sporatic acting schedule is actually a blessing in disguise.

The Guy Who Played Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat the Videogame

Thanks to the early-90s popularity of Mortal Kombat, Liu Kang became the favorite Asian of millions of young children the world over. The ease that gamers could pull off his trademarked moves, including that kick where he flies all the way across the screen, and both his high and low fireball variations, made Liu Kang a worldwide icon. If I was the guy who played Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat, I would play the game using Liu Kang, all the time.

The Guy Who Played Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat the Movie

When the Mortal Kombat videogame spawned a major motion picture, they could have gotten "The Guy Who Played Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat the Videogame" to play Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat the movie. Instead they chose to enlist "The Guy Who Played Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat the Movie", to play Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat the movie. A wise decision. And he was pretty good in that ninja movie with Chris Farley too.

Nobunaga

I don't really know much about Nobunaga, but he was the star of at least a dozen videogames. I never actually played any of them, because cultivating rice, selling horses, and partaking in slow strategic battles isn't very fun. Nobunaga must have been a really important guy though, because non-important people don't get their own Nintendo games.

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan was one of history's greatest warlords. He was all about eating giant drumsticks, and killing large numbers of people. Then there was that one time where he went forward in time, and helped Bill and Ted with their history presentation. That Genghis Khan... always wreaking havoc in sporting good stores...

Claudine Shirashi

Claudine Shirashi played Miho in $LA$HER$, the absolute greatest movie in the history of the universe. If there was any justice in this world, Claudine Shirashi would be a worldwide icon now, instead of only being a b-movie actress, a popular Japanese model, a singer, and a chemical engineer. Not to mention she achieved her lifelong dream of being interviewed by our website.

Yao Ming

I barely know who this guy is, because I've never watched a basketball game in my life. But word is that he's extremely tall, and he can play basketball pretty well. I am surprised that he has not taken over China by stature alone. He is the tallest Asian that I know of.

Paul Dayco

Paul Dayco is the second tallest Asian I know of. In addition to working at Future Shop, he is also notable for having pretty good tastes in movies, his choices of which he commonly refers to as Dayco-Picks. As well, he has created and trademarked the terms Dayco Mark, Dayco-Sized, and The Dayco Look (as pictured above). He is also a great poet of our modern time as many Asians were before him. Here is a sample of his work:

A GOOK DAY HAIKU BY PAUL DAYCO:

We Asians like rice.
Just like our people it is
Compact, Efficient.

Tatsu

Tatsu was the single greatest part about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the movie. As Shredder's awesome silent sidekick, Tatsu kicked tons of ass, and grunted all the time. When no one understands your language, sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

Sunfire

During the Affirmative Action era of Uncanny X-Men, Shiro Yoshida (aka Sunfire), was the first, and only, Asian to join the X-Men. Psylocke doesn't count, because she was originally a British girl who was turned Japanese by a magic portal. Man, that was a stupid idea. Anyways, Sunfire never really did much other than complain and shoot fire, before he left the team.

Great Sasuke

The Great Sasuke is not notable for being a Japanese wrestler who could do tons of crazy backflips and ninja moves while wearing a mask. My research shows that at least one out of every four Japanese men do that for a living. No, The Great Sasuke is special because he actually ran for political office in Japan, and still wears his wrestling mask while in office. That's so awesome, that I can't even try to describe it, so I won't.

Oddjob

Oddjob was James Bond's number one most evil villain ever. Fear the hat.

The MILF kid from American Pie

Apparently, this John Cho kid has had other roles other than being Milf Kid #1 from American Pie, but he will always be remembered as the guy who said this:

Listen to the Milf Scene From American Pie

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods is 1/100th Asian, which means that he harnesses the positive attributes of being Asian (ninja skills, superior rice preparation), while not containing any of the negative Asian traits (living in a third world country with a billion other poor Asians). Tiger Woods is a credit to his races, and he is a walking spokesman for inter-racial breeding.

Godzilla

Godzilla is on this list because he was born in Japan, which technically makes him an Asian. He is important to the Asian world, because he keeps the population levels manageable by stepping on various Japanese people, and sometimes burning them with his nuclear fire breath.

Trini, The Yellow Power Ranger

As The Yellow Ranger on TV's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Trini was an inspiration to us all, due to her ass-kicking ninja powers, her giant yellow Sabertooth Tiger Robot, and her unconditional love for her nephew, even when he got turned into cardboard by a giant Clown Monster. Unfortunately, Trini was hit by a bus in real life, and is now dead.

Pac-Man

he's Tireless, Greedy, and most importantly, yellow. He makes Asians proud.

Thanks to Asians such as those listed above, the world is a better place. Especially if you like ninjas and wrestling. Also, Honorable Mentions go to:

Margaret Cho

... for trying to be funny, even though she fails miserably.

Tera Patrick

... for being naked all the time.

DJ Slash

...for bringing Superfine to the worldwide lexicon.

...AND YOU!*
**"AND YOU!" only applicable if "YOU" are Asian.

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-- PanzerMega - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com