The other night on Asked & Answered in response to Johnny Landin’s explanation of what a Tiger Male is I claimed that in a similar fashion all must refer to me as “The Dragon.” Our other co-host Ashlynn then claimed that this is ridiculous and the only people that would refer to themselves as the Dragon are those creepy kids who we all grew up with who wore silk samurai button-up shirts and carried a starter deck of Magic: The Gathering cards at all times.
Anyone who wears these shirts should be shot on sight and it should be legal.
However, I find that Ashlynn is completely wrong about the significance of “The Dragon.” Much like Landin explained Tiger Males, the Dragon is above and beyond all worldly comprehension in any modern media it or anyone named after it appears in. Simply put: When a Dragon shows up BIG SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. There is no situation in which a Dragon shows up in anything without fucking shit up, setting a few villages on fire, and destroying beautiful things simply because it is so powerful that I can do whatever the fuck it wants. Such is the nature of the Dragon.
The man with the monicker of “The Dragon” I find the most influential is of course Bruce Lee – Bruce Lee was born on November 27th, and thus I share his birthday – hopefully I do not share his short life-span but Bruce Lee invented his own martial art, Jeet Kwon Do, brought the art of karate to the white man, because one of the biggest action film stars of all-time and he also kicked the living shit out of Chuck Norris. I don’t believe Bruce Lee actually died; I believe he actually is so bad-ass he transformed INTO a dragon and flew away into the darkest reaches of space and is currently chillin’ on Pluto teaching Jeet Kwon Do to space aliens.
I realize however, most of you are probably younger than me and Bruce Lee is before your time so let me use another example: Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. The Power Rangers could defeat a lot of obstacles but every once in a while there was something Rita Repulsa threw at them they couldn’t handle and that’s when they called the Green Ranger who was the motherfuckin’ SWAT team of the Power Rangers world.
When Green Ranger pulled out the Dragon Dagger, played the theme on his flute and summoned the Dragonzord you knew shit just got REAL. On top of being able to summon the Dragonzord, Tommy, the Green Ranger was the only one getting laid on the show and was putting it in the Pink Ranger’s ass any time she wasn’t teaching retards how to do gymnastics at the Rec Center. He was also the only one badass enough to have body armor.
Dragons love to fuck shit up for the sake of fucking them up, case in point World Of Warcraft: Cataclysm.
There’s really no point or purpose to Deathwing doing what he does other than “I’m a Goddamn Dragon and I can.” He just up and fucks up the entire map, probably because he like everybody who played World of Warcraft for the past eight years was tired of looking at the same shit over and over again. A dragon does what he pleases when he pleases it. I actually quit World of Warcraft during their new expansion because who the fuck am I to argue with a Dragon that randomly shows up anywhere on the map and burns all the players in it to death?
Dragons make awesome antagonists, especially in the game Skyrim when Dragons just show up and fuck up everything – mainly because they can. You can literally be minding your own business in a town talking to some people and Dragons will swoop down and kill them just to ruin your conversation all in the name of trying to kill you specifically. And the only reason you’re so awesome in that game is because you’re BORN FROM DRAGONS which makes you a certified fucking badass and everyone everywhere you go wants to suck your dick once they find out because they know their place. If you’re a Dragon or born from Dragons everyone bows down, take in point the Dragon King Onaga from Mortal Kombat.
Was he a favorite character? Not particularly. However in his storyline the guy had an undefeatable army and nobody could kick his ass and they had to wait for him to die of fucking natural causes before they could take over – then because he’s such a badass he had his entire army mummified when he died and forced to serve him for eternity – AND THEN FUCKING CAME BACK thousands of years later – and he FUCKED UP THE GAME SO BAD THEY HAD TO REBOOT MORTAL KOMBAT. I told you – Dragons cause chaos every fucking where they show up… AND THEY SHOOT FUCKING FIRE.
You have to love fire, especially when people you hate die in it. Take example the movie/novel Red Dragon. Despite being named the Tooth Fairy by the media the main villain referred to himself as THE DRAGON... and did shit like this to people he didn't like.
That is fucking hardcore. I wish I could do that to everyone I hated.
Sure anyone calling themselves “The Dragon” is probably an egomaniac. Take Viserys Targaryen for example – he was a crazy whiny bitch who used to threaten his sister by beating her if she “woke the Dragon.” He even threatened to let 40,000 men and their horses fuck his sister if it meant getting what he wanted which was an army to destroy his enemies. Sloppy seconds is pretty nasty but could you imagine "sloppy 40,000ths?"
On second thought I might take sloppy 40,000ths for this one.
Unfortunately for him he wasn’t the Dragon, she was. And she’s so hardcore fire has no effect on her and she burned some bitch alive for killing her husband. And she looks good naked. She-Dragons are fucking hot, too, and you just don’t fuck with them.
You don’t even have to be a Dragon, just dress like one. Take Kain from Final Fantasy IV - he’s pretty much everyone’s favorite in that game in his Dragon Armor with his jump attack and his spear – he stole the show…
…Final Fantasy as a series brought us Bahamut the KING OF DRAGONS – who usually shows up from FUCKING SPACE TO BLOW SHIT THE FUCK UP – and usually if Bahamut can’t kill it, you’re probably in deep shit.
In fact the only Dragon that was ever a pussy was Puff the Magic Dragon who had the little kid as a friend who grew up and ditched his ass which was completely pathetic – A real dragon would have answered that betrayal by eating that kid’s parents and then burning the kid alive. I still feel the only reason Puff didn’t is because his story was written by some hippie stoner fuck. Get the fuck out of here, Puff.
And of course there are the Double Dragons – you know you’re up shit’s creek when there’s not one but TWO Dragons and they’re beating up everyone on fucking earth to save a woman. They literally kick the shit out of everyone they come across in one of the greatest Beat ‘Em Up Videogames of all time. So the question is why would I want to be called the Dragon? WHY WOULDN’T I WANT TO BE CALLED A DRAGON? Anything that has to do with Dragons is awesome and involves blood, death and general chaos for anyone that gets in their way.