Smackdown is Riv - 6-29-2012
Riv , 2012/06/29 04:59

So I should probably be asleep but upon seeing the ENTIRE Smackdown is already posted, I figure this is a great opportunity to get it out of the way, sleep in, not have to worry about it, whatever. Quick, easy, and to the point.

To save space the video didn’t have the WWE Signature or the Green Day intro. Fine with me – I have been sick of Know Your Enemy since the very first week it was the Smackdown theme. We are reminded Vickie Guerrero has ordered a Triple Threat match between Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler and defending champion Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship.

I find I would care more if not for the fact it feels like we have an atrocious amount of Triple Threat matches. I’d even rather have Fatal-4-Ways or scrambles than just to overdo the Triple Threat match. The Triple Threat match is the new TAG TEAM MATCH (PLAYA). Josh Mathews, Michael Cole, and Booker T take this brief moment to discus AJ costing Kane and CM Punk both their match against Daniel Bryan and that Daniel Bryan’s victory over Punk allows Bryan the right to challenge for the WWE Championship at Money In The Bank.

My bonner is ready… for AJ Lee.

YES. She’s in ring gear. RED ring gear. And red is my favorite color.

And here is DAT BUM. I totally would. You would too. Even if you’re female. Don’t lie. You would. Anyone who says they wouldn’t needs to check to make sure their privates still work. We are reminded that AJ was able to eliminate the Divas Champion Layla and Vickie “Tub of Shit” Guerrero to win a Divas Battle Royal.

She is fucking hot… and she knows it – as YOU should know by now the amount of screencaps I take of this woman are on the level of “EXCESSIVE.” I like her mainly because she is a major dork (like myself) from the Tri-State area (like myself), and even Puerto Rican (like myself). Essentially if I was a woman I would be AJ Lee. And yes, I am telling you this so that I can RUIN AJ LEE FOR ALL OF YOU. FOREVER. YOU ALL SECRETLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. It’s ok for me to want to have sex with myself. I do it all the time anyway.

AJ has a one on one match up with Layla El, who is also exceptionally hot and in my Diva “Fave Five” as well. Layla also has new music – it’s actually Tiffany’s ECW theme, now replacing the old Lay-Cool “You’re Not Enough For Me.” Personally I like Layla’s old solo theme “Nasty Girl” better because it implied she’s a dirty, dirty bitch. And that’s just hot. But this is TV-PG so apparently auto-tuning that you’re “Insatiable” is totally acceptable. Damn. That Layla ass is pretty fucking impressive too. Good lord.

This match is meant for men to touch their penises to. Not that I’m… doing that… or anything. Although the thought crossed my mind.

The thought crossed my mind a lot. The bell rings. AJ and Layla shake hands, which in my opinion shows any of you who thought AJ was a heel that you’re incorrect. Layla and AJ lock up and Layla the stronger woman takes AJ to the mat with a headlock takedown. AJ reverses into a leg-scissors but both women return to standing position. Good shots of AJ’s ass here. AJ now goes for the headlock takedown but Layla rolls through and goes for a cover. 1-count. AJ begins to get that cute-yet-crazy smile but Layla kicks her in the midsection and begins to wrench the head and neck. AJ sends Layla to the ropes but is shoulderblocked down. Layla blows AJ a kiss but AJ is back up. Layla rolls through a hip-toss attempt by AJ and goes for a cover. 2 count. Layla now begins working on the arm of AJ. Booker T, Michael Cole, and Josh put over AJ being crazy as she drop-toeholds Layla to the mat and follows with a dropkick to the face and a clothesline in the corner. Layla is down. AJ goes for the cover. 2 count. AJ picks Layla up and gets back kicked. Layla hits a springboard cross body – two count. Layla hits a facebuster on AJ and goes for a cover. 2 count again. Is this women’s wrestling I’m seeing? Layla gets a kick to the midsection which Layla follows up with one of her own only to get spin-kicked by AJ. All of a sudden in the middle of her match the Ride of the Valkyries begins.

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

AJ becomes unglued at the sight of ex-boyfriend Daniel Bryan but can you blame the guy? After all of the interference AJ has run on both him and Kane as of late, turnabout is in fact fair play, even if I hate it since this is soiling the first good Divas match we’ve had on Smackdown in a long while. The distraction by Daniel Bryan YESing allows Layla to win with a roll-up.

THAT is a NICE roll-up. Layla gets the win. AJ is infuriated and rather than attack Daniel Bryan AJ snaps and destroys Layla while Daniel Bryan makes his TROLLFACE in the background which is shades of what happened to Natalya after Bryan told AJ that he wished she had never been born a few months ago.

Daniel Bryan gets an erection while watching AJ murder Layla.

Eyes… on DAT ASS. AJ turns around and Bryan tries to tell her to calm down. Daniel Bryan tells AJ it’s not so fun when someone distracts you in the middle of a match and he’s not out here because he wants attention like AJ does. He’s out here because he has something important to discuss. AJ begins to walk away but Bryan says that he has something to discuss with La Chupacabra Terror, Vickie Guerrero and he wants AJ to hear it. He demands Vickie come out here and he plans to hold the ring hostage with his “YES” chant until she does.

Amazingly the psychotic AJ Lee joins in. There is nothing better than AJ’s YES chant because she probably sounds like that when she has an orgasm. We hit commercials and when we come back these two are having a battle of YES.

YES is probably like the Daniel Bryan Mating Call or something. I’d rather it be the AJ Lee Mating Call, though. Finally Vickie Guerrero comes out here with her nasty hideous EXCUSE ME. I hope she doesn’t start chanting YES too because that would soil the YES chant the way she has soiled Eddie Guerrero’s mortality, Dolph Ziggler’s career, Jack Swagger’s career, and destroyed infinite hard-ons for the entire human race. The wrong Guerrero died! Vickie tells Daniel Bryan that everyone here is tired of him repeating his “same old annoying catchphrase” then follows with an I SAID EXCUSE ME – ahh, WWE creative… I see what you did there. Daniel Bryan wants to point out he defeated Kane and CM Punk in the same match on RAW and he needed to show everyone that both RAW and Smackdown will soon revolve around Daniel Bryan. Bryan thanks Vickie for the speed in which she granted him the title match at the Pay-Per-View and that’s why Daniel Bryan wants Vickie to become the Permanent General Manager of RAW and Smackdown. Daniel Bryan says when that happens Vickie will be GM, Daniel Bryan will need to be champion and they need to work together hand-in-hand.

Daniel Bryan, consider your push dead. I think any form of contact with Vickie Guerrero sends your career to the 9th Level of Hell. Please scroll up and re-read the names of people who have no careers (or life). This woman is in fact the Devil in a Red Dress. Bryan has an idea and he wants Vickie to please take it to the Board of Directors. He wants AJ banned from ringside. Bryan adds that AJ is an unstable liability and a MENACE. I really hope this leads to them making a promotional poster with AJ as Spider-Man and Daniel Bryan as J. Jonah Jameson. Vickie tells us she is NOT a fan of AJ Lee.

AJ could not give one fuck what Vickie Guerrero is or is not a fan of. That is why I love her and want her to have my nerdy psychotic Puerto Rican babies. Vickie says she’s also tired of AJ calling her a grandma. She gets in AJ’s face but Bryan tries to restore order here. Vickie explains that a poll on WWE.com asked what role AJ should be in when Daniel Bryan takes on CM Punk.

You KNOW how this is going to end. It looks like we have ourselves a special guest referee for Money In the Bank. AJ won the right to guest referee the match with 76% of the vote.

Owned. Fucking owned. Vickie makes AJ the guest referee because her hands are tied. AJ begins YES chanting in the face of Vickie Guerrero as she takes her leave and as she exits the ring. Daniel Bryan says this is unfair and he doesn’t know why the Board of Directors would do this. Daniel Bryan begins a “NO” chant as he storms off to the back. Vickie takes this time to thank the Board of Directors and informs us over the next two weeks there will be qualifying matches to enter the Money In the Bank Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Title – she informs us that since the WWE Title match is ONLY open to former champions that the World Heavyweight Title Briefcase match will be open to ANYONE. The qualifying matches begin now with Zack Ryder taking on Damien Sandow. Oh man, automatic win for Sandow (I hope).

I think my father has the same exact robe hanging on the back of his bathroom door. Sandow begs our indulgence for one moment. His name is Damien Sandow and he is here not only to help all of you but to also help his opponent this evening, the WWE’s official ambassador of ignorance, mediocrity, and stupidity who quite frankly is no different than any of the people here this evening. When Damien Sandow emerges victorious he will ensure that all of us the unwashed masses of the WWE Universe will soon have a World Champion that will shepherd us all into the enlightenment we all so desperately, desperately yearn for. YOU’RE WELCOME. Zack Ryder takes control early with a shoulderblock. Running clothesline and a flapjack by Zack Ryder. Cover – 2 count. Damien is back up and begins stomping Zack Ryder into the ground and rubbing Ryder’s face in the mat. Fierce Russian Leg Sweep and Sandow begins to mock the crowd with the Composer’s Elbow of Disdain. Full Nelson locked in but not as a submission, just as a hold to ram Ryder’s head into the turnbuckle repeatedly. Ryder is whipped against the ropes and takes control with a facebuster. Now Ryder gets some offense in and drops Sandow with a missile dropkick. Two count. Ryder and Sandow are fighting into the corner. Ryder hits the Broski Boot and is setting Sandow up for the Ruff Ryder. Sandow has it scouted, dumps Ryder into the top rope and drops him with the Neckbreaker of Even More Disdain to earn the right to advance to Money in the Bank. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Charlie Sheen is named the RAW 1000 Social Media Ambassador. Insert your “wellness testing” Jokes here, people.

Backstage Daniel Bryan knocks on the Diva Locker Room door. He demands to speak with AJ and gets… Kaitlyn. Hey, remember when Daniel Bryan threatened to fuck Kaitlyn to further break AJ’s heart? This night just gets more Boner-irific for me since Kaitlyn is pretty much tied with AJ for my unending affections. Kaitlyn takes this time to mock Daniel Bryan for the fact that AJ isn’t here and tells him he might want to try getting on her good side because “she’s a little mentally unstable.” Daniel Bryan begs for help from Kaitlyn who slams the door in his face.

Tyson Kidd, the God of ALREADY IN THE RING STATUS here on Smackdown. CHECK ONE-TWO. AWW YEAH! For once I want Jack Swagger to lose. He had his moment in the sun whereas Tyson had never had one. The fact this is a qualifying match in itself is amazing since WWE puts both of these guys so low on the pecking order. This should be a good match. Swagger overpowers Tyson to the mat early on. Tyson rolls through and almost gets a 3 right away. Swagger is back up and tosses Kidd to the outside apron where he lands on his feet shoulderblocks Swagger and goes for a roll-up. Swagger goes to the outside to regroup. Tyson dropkicks Swagger outside and speeds up and goes for a body scissors which Swagger reverses into a German. Two-count now by Jack Swagger. Swagger begins beating Tyson into the corner. Swagger flips Tyson over by his arm and begins dragging Kidd around the ring a bit, focusing on the arm. Tyson is dropped to the mat and Swagger drops the leg. Two-count. Swagger continues to work the arm of Tyson Kidd. Tyson again tries to roll through some offense but is shoved into the corner, splashed by Swagger, and tossed over Swagger’s shoulder to the mat. Swagger follows and ACTUALLY HITS the Swagger-bomb. 2 count. Michael Cole takes this moment to shit on victories on NXT and Superstars and says Smackdown and RAW are a whole different world – yes Michael… of SUCK. Tyson tries to get back in here and drops Swagger with a DDT. Both men are down. Kidd is back up but so is Jack Swagger. Kidd kicks Swagger in the legs. More kicks follow. Dropkick follows. Tyson goes for a cover. Swagger kicks out at 2. Swagger is cornered and Kidd whips him to the other corner but Swagger reverses. Swagger rushes right into an elbow and Tyson goes for a victory roll but Swagger shoves him down and locks in the ankle lock which Kidd reverses and hits his upside down kick in the apron and goes high risk. Kidd hits a Blockbuster and defeats Jack Swagger. HOLY FUCK YES!!!

This is a big deal. Kidd is finally getting some decent and deserved exposure here. Hat’s off to this guy. He has really been busting ass on those shows Michael Cole shit on.

Backstage Dolph Ziggler tells Vickie that she’s a great spot right now and has done nothing with the power she has this week. Vickie explains the Board is watching her and she’s trying to influence the board. Dolph says he’s trying to become the World Champion and asks Vickie to ban the Brogue Kick and Cross Armbreaker from this Triple Threat. Dolph Ziggler says his life and career are on the line and he doesn’t get rewarded for it at all. He says he’s not asking her he’s telling her and Vickie slaps him. Ziggler regains his composure and asks Vickie to announce him tonight (please no) and be out there to raise his hand when he wins the title tonight. Up next is a TAG TEAM qualifying match where the team that wins qualifies.

Well fuck. We know this team is winning. WWE has a hard-on for Santino despite the fact that anyone who isn’t a child or a retard wishes that he would find himself near some dope addicts strung out on bath salts and prepared to eat his face. I wish somebody would kill him and take that US title off him. It’s rotting. His partner is Christian. So in other words both the Intercontinental Champion and the US Champion are partnered up for an opportunity to qualify. The opposing team consists of:

DAVID OTUNGA, SUPREME ENTITY AND OVERLORD – ALL HAIL OTUNGOD. Otunga gets a spotlight then removes his coat and begins flexing. Before it was just sort of a coincidental Chris Masters rip-off whereas now it’s pretty deliberate. His tag team partner is Cody Rhodes who applauds this show as a bit of a narcissist himself. This is sad since Rhodes and Otunga have essentially been chasing the midcard belts as of late. Since Christian and Santino have belts, logically Cody Rhodes and David Otunga SHOULD advance… …which is why Santino and Christian advance. Fuck you, WWE. The worst part about this is you can rule out the Intercontinental and US titles being defended at the next Pay-Per-View. Backstage Sheamus gets interviewed. I find myself caring less and less about Sheamus as time progresses.

Now THAT is what I care about. Daniel Bryan slowly approaches the Ex-Girlfriend From Hell and claims he is concerned about her well-being.

I could never lie to a face like that. Daniel Bryan says he has a doctor who can HELP AJ. He cares enough to HELP her. She just keeps giving that look. He asks if she wants his number. She says YES and continues to say YES once again mocking Daniel Bryan with his own chant. She then skips away as Daniel Bryan realizes he’s in trouble.

Jobbers who get laid more than Riv time. I hate these people for existing. Let’s see what kind of promo they give us. They begin rapping about how RYBACK is a jerk. They finish with EVERYBODY KNOWS 2 IS GREATER THAN 1. Yes! That’s such a great catchphrase for the jobbers. There should be shirts that say 2 IS GREATER THAN 1. These guys die.

I’m not exactly sure why Antonio Cesaro is dressed like a Star Trek Crew Member but he’s going to probably end up on the planet TAG TEAM MATCH (playa) because here comes Tag Team Teddy and he’s free of John Laurinaitis’ humiliation. Teddy informs Aksana and Cesaro he will be General Manager next week. Aksana immediately begins to butter him up and Teddy isn’t buying it. He decides that he’s going to put them through HELL this week – apparently WWE is going to put US through hell this week because Smackdown is LIVE this week – I fucking HATE LIVE SMACKDOWNS because they ALL suck. Teddy furthermore makes a (go figure) TAG TEAAAAAM MATCH where these two will fight Layla and the Great Khali. Wow. That’s fucking horrible. Great Khali? Well fuck that show. That’s already one foot in the grave. You people have until Tuesday to find Khali and kneecap him with a pipe or a wrench or injure him in some way so he can’t be here.

Up next Justin Gabriel might have the right to qualify along with his partner Tyson Kidd who already qualified for Money in the Bank. Gabriel’s opponent…

Fuck. Sorry Justin. Maybe next year. Tensai qualifies for Money in the Bank. That’s just sad. It’s now time for our Triple Threat main event. I’m bored of Sheamus, Dolph has had too many matches with Sheamus, and Del Rio had his momentum killed from being pulled from the Pay-Per-View. That said, I’m not sure I care much past the amusing Ricardo Rodriguez introduction and him even shooing Lilian Garcia out of his way. Del Rio however has something to say before this match starts. He says he’s being forced to compete in this Triple Threat when he deserves a one-on-one and he doesn’t want to compete in this horrible filthy little town but this place, a place with nothing will see him as the new World Heavyweight Champion and he says he will be victorious because… EXCUSE ME. Here comes Vickie’s ugly ass out here again. She introduces Dolph Ziggler who is fired up and furious.

Del Rio doesn’t seem impressed by Dolph Ziggler or his pink shirt or his small tights. Sheamus is out and the match begins. I hate having to call triple threats, especially ones with people I’m a bit tired of at the moment so I’m just going to call this a “good match” that you “really should see yourself.” Ziggler was the one who got Brogue Kicked and pinned (again). Yawn. The show closes this way. I feel like that was a waste of everyone’s time. How many times is that now, 5? I have a feeling Dolph is going to have to have a briefcase to stand a chance but can he get one? Find out next week.

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-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com