WWE NXT - 7-11-2012 Riv & Johnny Landin, 2012/07/12 14:08
It’s time for week 3 of NXT. Other than the Internet marking for some of the new talent on it, this has been pretty lackluster and I miss the days of Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis fighting over women, or Tyson Kidd and McGillicutty arguing about heritage, or Percy Watson being detained for being black.
Landin: It's Thursday, meaning it's time for the only show that receives more fan praise as it declines in quality, NXT. Seriously, my entire timeline sucks this show off like it's the second coming of Seinfeld. Meanwhile, the first five seasons of NXT, which were vastly superior to this and everything else that's been done in wrestling in years, barely received any recognition.
Byron Nutsaxton is here on commentary with Regal, but if history is any indicator, we'll have the commentators switch two, maybe even three times before the show ends. You know Jim Ross and that no-name FCW guy are sitting somewhere on stand-by.
Tyson Kidd is opening the show, also known as Internet Jesus ever since he qualified for Money In the Bank – it amazes me how many of these “never watched NXTs” and “hated WWE-ECWs” on Twitter are now sucking Tyson’s dick. You gotta love the bandwagon fans. Landin and I have always enjoyed Kidd from the moment he set foot in the company… we also enjoy staring at his girlfriend’s ass but that’s a whole other story. 7/11 is also Tyson Kidd’s Birthday. I also spent this day staring at Natalya’s ass. Sadly that doesn’t top Bateman’s gift to Tyson of Cryme Tyme 2-Pack action figures.
Landin: Tyson Kidd, AKA Mr. 6 Week Trial Push, makes his way to the ring. NXT is like an alternate reality, where Tyson is still a jobber. William Regal mentions Titus O'Neil and Darren Young and refers to them as the Main Event Players, which pretty much lets us all know this was recorded before they joined A.W. This also lets us know that this alternate reality takes place two months ago, meaning everyone at Full Sail University is stuck in May 2012, stuck in that arena, and forced to watch bad wrestling for an eternity. It's the Full Sail Hell Dimension.
His opponent is Camacho who someone asked us last night on our show Asked & Answered if Camacho is the greatest wrestler in the WWE and the world. Hunico is coming to ringside with him and his tanktop now actually reads “HUNICO.” This is probably so they stop wearing each other’s wifebeaters. What is this fuckery that once again Hunico and Camacho don’t have their bicycle? I guess Debo from Friday stole it. Debo vs. Hunico & Camacho at Wrestlemania could be pretty good.
Landin: it's worth noting that both men are wearing different wife beaters this week, which leads me to believe that these two packed really well before the NXT tapings at Full Sail. For some reason these two are actually wrestling. I'm not used to seeing this on NXT, or in the WWE in general, where every match is normally a squash besides John Cena's. The crowd is actually awake for this match, which is another NXT first. They probably hand out 5 hour energy shots to the fans in attendance to keep them hyped up.
Regal makes a fake story that Camacho has known Hunico his entire life and that Hunico was getting jumped by six guys in the Barrio which Camacho then promptly beat into a pulp, and Camacho pulled one of their eyeballs out. I can’t wait until someone gets repackaged as the guy who Camacho ripped the eyeball out of. Camacho starts off powering Tyson down and looks especially like his father tonight which adds to the “you’re not fooling anyone” factor of his gimmick. Tyson regains control with his speed and a dropkick. Both men are across the ring as a huge TYSON chant starts from the crowd. Camacho drops kid with a kick to the midsection and begins wearing him down with strikes. Tyson recovers from a back bodydrop attempt and legtrips Camacho and now begins working him on the mat and wearing down the arm. Camacho powers back up and works Kidd into the corner. He decides to toss Kidd to the outside but Kidd holds on and flips Camacho to the outside with his legs. Tyson gives chase which is a bad idea since it puts him between Hunico and Camacho but he slides back into the ring thinking better of it.
Landin: Seven minutes pass, and these two fuckers are still wrestling. God damn it, they really need to get Tyson Kidd off this fucking show. He's too good to be here and it's ruining my commentary. I don't watch NXT to see people wrestle, I watch it to laugh and have a good time. As this match continues, I become tempted to direct message Tyson Kidd's girlfriend, Natalya, who follows me on Twitter.
Last time I DM'ed her, I asked her to have an affair with me and she no sold. This shit was a lot easier for Chris Benoit with Nancy in WCW. I should propose a trade to Tyson - I will give him ALL of my wrestling DVD's and VHS tapes in exchange for Natalya. I'll even throw in some WWF RAW magazines from 1998.
Hunico wants to rush the ring to attack Tyson but the referee banishes Hunico to the back, informing him there’s a clogged toilet in stall #3 that he needs to go take care of. Tyson has enough of waiting and flips to the outside on both men. Commercials and we come back. Camacho and Tyson are now one on one and Kidd is looking for the Sharpshooter but Camacho quickly grabs the ropes. Tyson tries to hit a running kick on the apron but gets tripped by Camacho outside who now begins stomping Kidd and ramming his chest into the mat repeatedly. Camacho now delivers a backbreaker to Kidd, and stomps the midsection of Kidd repeatedly. While I watch Camacho work Kidd over I can’t help laugh that his career is destined for Sim Snuka levels of mediocrity. I mean Sim started out as Deuce, a greaser from like the ‘50s then magically goes NO I’M SIM SNUKA. Camacho will do the same, starting off a Mexican and then randomly remembering he’s Haku’s kid… and no fucks will be given at that point. Hell, no fucks are given now. Camacho reverse suplexes Tyson into the top rope, continuing the assault on the midsection. He catapults Tyson’s neck into the bottom rope and now begins working on a grounded variation of an abdominal stretch but Kidd is back up. Camacho shoves him down. Side suplex by Camacho. Legdrop by Camacho. Kidd must be wiped out from all the birthday sex – then I remember that this was taped a month ago and there’s no actual excuse for Kidd to get his ass kicked by this guy. Kidd tries to turn things around but gets dropped with a facebuster driver. Camacho goes for a cover and somehow Tyson kicks out at two. Camacho misses a legdrop from the second rope. Kidd now begins kicking away at Camacho and hits a dropkick to the head. Tyson goes for a cover. Two-count. Tyson now begins stomping on the head and neck of Camacho on the bottom rope and hits a springboard legdrop to Camacho’s head to the outside. Tyson goes high risk but Camacho is back up and drops him in an uncomfortable spot and the stunned Tyson Kidd is dropped with a double underhook suplex off the second rope. Camacho slowly crawls into a cover. Two count. Camacho is frustrated and goes for a side-suplex again. Tyson slides out and hits the flash kick on the apron. Kidd is on the top rope yet again and hits the blockbuster – 1-2-foot on the rope. Tyson now pulls Camacho into the center of the ring and goes for the Sharpshooter but suddenly Michael McGillcutty realizes he’ll be stuck masturbating to porn on the Internet in the back if he doesn’t continue his feud with Tyson and does a run-in. Saxton goes “who is this?” long after we are all already aware it’s McGillcutty which is the type of C-level commentary that has earned him the nickname “Nutsaxton.” Kidd rushes McGillicutty and ends up being defeated with a fucking DDT by Camacho. What is this? 1987? I wonder how Camacho feels knowing that Tensai gets his father’s claw finisher while he gets stuck with a move that’s in every wrestler’s arsenal.
Landin: As this match continues, I continue googling pictures of Natalya, and apparently Camacho wins with help from Michael McGillicutty. Camacho winning a match is further proof that the Full Sail Hell Dimension is a strange place where even the biggest of jobbers go over.
McGillicutty makes psychotic “I’m on bath salts and I’m going to eat your face” expressions on the ramp. Maybe he just doesn’t like Hunico and Camacho’s entrance theme. I start to realize that maybe MM didn’t come out here because of his feud with Tyson but because WWE guys who are forced to change their names so that nobody knows who their respected fathers were such as he and Camacho need to stick together.
We’re told tonight’s main event will be the Usos vs. Titus O’Neil and Darren Young. It’s amusing because this shit was taped in like May so AW is nowhere to be found. This match has also happened on NXT Season 5 like one thousand times. I find it somewhat amusing that the majority of post-redemption NXT main events are feuds from NXT Redemption. It just shows how good the people on that show were and the kind of in-ring chemistry they had with one another. I’m not sure when or how the Usos and Darren managed to transform Titus from the biggest sack of shit with the smallest dick imaginable into a passable wrestler but somehow it was done.
Up next is a Bray Wyatt promo where he says he knows people are hurtin’ and he hurts too – literally he does. He’s injured with a shoulder that will sideline him for up to six months. This is actually the same Bray Wyatt vignette from last week. This is some Last House on the Left shit. Keep your virgin blonde girls away from Husky Harris, folks. The debut of Bray Wyatt is up. After some WWE filler, we get Matt Striker backstage with Justin Gabriel.
Striker tells us he’s the “NXT Correspondent.” I bet he’s secretly crying himself to sleep every night that he doesn’t get to welcome everyone to NXT while wearing McLovin vests at the beginning of the show while “Wild & Young” plays on an infinite loop. Gabriel is interviewed about his injury (which at this point was a billion years ago).
Landin: Matt Striker is backstage with Justin Gabriel, who explains to us that he went to South Africa when he was hurt, as if anyone cares. Thankfully, Gabriel is interrupted by Heath Slater, AKA the only character NOT involved in the AJ love triangle who entertains me on a weekly basis. Heath mentions how he's on Raw week after week embarrassing legends. This leads me to believe that Heath somehow slipped through a wormhole, which took him from modern-day reality (Earth 616,) to Full Sail Hell. It's also worth mentioning that Heath has somehow traveled back in time for this appearance, as this was filmed two months ago. The guy is so talented he defies time and reality.
Someone's dad makes their way to the ring, and the students of the Full Sail Hell Dimension couldn't care less. I'm betting that's because this guy is not really a wrestler, but actually a school faculty member hoping to earn a paycheck to pick up some more Rogaine.
I have just received word that this guy's name is Aiden English, and he is in fact the dean of Full Sail University. When WWE signed their contract with these guys, one of the agreements was that they would let Aiden wrestle, as he is a life-long wrestling fan.
Aiden's opponent tonight is Bray Wyatt, who comes out and sings the song from "Fallen," that movie starring Denzel Washington that nobody remembers besides me. The crowd quietly chants for Wyatt, which leads me to believe Aiden has not been kind to the students here at Full Sail.
Bray Wyatt tells us we will understand what he is. What would that be – AN ARMY TANK WITH A FERRARI ENGINE? I am so glad this gimmick means we never have to hear him say that again. He begins his creepy singing. At least unlike Heath he can carry a tune. Regal tries to put over that Bray Wyatt gives him the creeps. Wyatt dominates Aiden English, but at least the guy got an entrance. Wyatt begins just tossing Aiden back and forth from the outside of the ring to the security wall and back like a pinball. A WYATT chant starts. I will give Bray Wyatt the benefit of the doubt – he’s lost a lot of weight and the weight that’s left we don’t have to stare at because now he wrestles with a shirt on. Wyatt hits a splash to Aiden English and follows up by grabbing the exhausted man’s arm, stretching it forward and dancing with him right before dropping him with one of Test’s old finishers – Test doesn’t need it anymore because he’s dead. Wyatt gets the three.
Landin: William Regal says Bray Wyatt is psychotic, then says he's an amateur wrestling champion. I guess psychotic people like amateur wrestling, as opposed to killing people.
Wyatt and Aiden aren't even wrestling, they're just horsing around like two drunk uncles. Wyatt goes over, as expected, but not before Byron Nutsack refers to Bray Wyatt's body as a freight train. Which reminds me, this week's NXT prospect is none other than the man himself, the Freight Train.
For those of you who are unaware, Freight Train is arguably the most talented big man wrestler since The Undertaker. His finishing move arsenal consists variously poorly-executed body splashes, as well as the weakest clothesline ever, which for some reason always hits opponents below their nipples. Freight Train also possesses mic skills which would put Dwayne Johnson and Phil Brooks to shame. Here's a brief excerpt from a promo of his, where he challenges WWE champion CM Punk:
The Freight Train is currently the champion of $5 Wrestling, and he would make an excellent addition to the FCW/ NXT roster. Plus, he'd work for $5 a show, as opposed to the $500 most of these guys are getting paid, which would save the company money.
We get another Seth Rollins promo, because for some reason everyone has a hard-on for this guy despite the fact that he acts like a cartoony, corny version of 2003 CM Punk. Everyone loves this guy, but I don't. Fuck Henry Rollins.
I don’t hate Rollins as much as Johnny Landin or AH Walker does – but I just haven’t been wowed by him yet in terms of his NXT career. He’s basically just putting over his finisher, the blackout which is a jumping curbstomp. It’s different, I’ll give it that it’s not neckbreaker or DDT variation #3079 but it’s not like it’s some groundbreaking finisher, either.
Dolph Ziggler II: The Ziggler Rises is backstage interviewing Richie Steamboat. I have a feeling that I won’t give a fuck about this.
Landin: Now another backstage interview, except this one looks like it's being conducted in someone's house, as there is a standard Home Depot door behind them. The generic, disposable FCW commentator is standing backstage with Richie Steamboat, whom he refers to as the newest NXT star. I'm pretty sure Bray Wyatt debuted 5 minutes ago, which makes him the newest NXT star, but okay. Richie Steamboat looks like he belongs working at the @PremiumVince™ gay bath house.
Steamboat is interrupted by Kraven Kruger the Hunter who says he’s already proven that he’s better.
No argument there. Steamboat only has his name to carry him and barring that he’d be a Ryback jobber. Kruger calls himself “The King of Africa.” That’s right – the KING OF AFRICA IS A WHITE MAN. This balances the force since Barack Obama is the king of America.
Landin: Kraven the Hunter interrupts Richie, which causes them to roll around on the floor, horse around with each other and grab each other's balls. Unsettling.
They begin shoving each other and it degenerates into a brawl. BLACK REFEREE 1 and 2 split them apart. Wait… 2 BLACK REFS? There was only one… they’re fucking MULTIPLYING!!! Commercials followed by…
20 years ago, Eddie Guerrero’s sperm did this inside a woman named Vickie.
The end result?
Spiccy Minaj… er… Raquel Diaz. She claims she’s on the “exfoliating ugliness” tour. Have you seen her MOTHER? That’s probably a FULL TIME JOB. This look does her absolutely no favors whatsoever. I would seriously rather her come out here with a fake mustache and a mullet like her father than dressed like Lady Gaga.
Landin: We are then hit with a Raquel Diaz promo, which reminds us all that women do in fact still exist on NXT. For those of you who are unaware, "Raquel Diaz" is none other than Eddie Guerrero's daughter, yet for some reason WWE has a hard-on for giving children of wrestlers really awful cartoon names (see: Michael McGillicutty.) Raquel's promo shows a bunch of her tweets as she talks about how ugly everyone is and promotes her "Exfoliating Ugliness Tour." Umm, newsflash "Raquel," but have you looked in the mirror lately?
I think my comment sums it all up. It's obvious painfully obvious that Raquel is trying to be the Mexican Nicki Minaj. The main difference is, I'd do terrible things to Nicki Minaj, whereas I'd probably only touch Raquel Diaz if I were drunk and if she allowed me to yell VIVA LA RAZA before, during and after. In her defense, the gimmick DOES seem interesting, as it's the first true heel diva gimmick we've seen in a while. Most female characters in WWE are exactly the same, and the only cool heel divas in recent memory are Laycool. Five bucks says once Vince McMahon sees her and this gimmick, he will call her a pepper belly, pull her off TV and give her the gimmick of a girl who works at a taco stand instead.
She calls herself an ALPHA FEMALE. Does that mean she takes bigger dumps than Johnny Landin? She says she will rid NXT of “the repulsive.” This all sounds strangely familiar…
I’m not a TNA mark by any means but there’s no denying whatever Raquel intends with this “ugly people” shit has already been done ten times better by Velvet Sky and Angelina Love. Also when you have a gimmick of “cleasing ugly people” it helps if you at least look good. Men don’t want to really nail Lady Gaga, and most people think Nicki Minaj looks better when she doesn’t look like some sort of reject from Cirque Du Soleil. We’re told the UNVEILING will begin next week. The sad part is Raquel isn’t that bad when she isn’t dressed like a character from The Fifth Element. I hope that there’s an actual cloth over a veil and when they remove it we see this:
…like that time he stole some shit and replaced it with his photo from Angle… or was it JBL? Who hasn’t Eddie stolen from? I miss Eddie. I’m not thrilled for Latina Gaga. It’s already time for our main event and the Usos are doing their trademark intro on the ramp. The acoustics at Full Sail don’t do a very good job of accommodating the Usos trademark entrance.
For about 5 seconds you can hear the appalling crap they gave the Prime Time Players for entrance music when they had considered changing it. They dubbed over it with the epic song known as MOVE GET IT GET IT which should never be changed under any circumstances. You can hear bits and pieces of the horrible music as the commentators speak too since that couldn’t be dubbed over in addition to telling just by the fact Titus isn’t his usual animated caricature of himself because he marks to his own entrance theme.
The theme was changed because of a reference to Parkinson’s. Just to remind you here is an awesome remix someone made where instead of removing the Parkinson’s reference they added a million more of them:
That’s the greatest edit of that theme ever…
…is Titus O’Neil seriously combing Darren Young’s hair? These guys get more over the top and ridiculous by the week. It’s about time they started to do something right. Both of them were absolutely boring as SERIOUS guys and shit like this is actually getting the team over. Darren demands the Usos wait until he’s done. Once Titus has approved Darren’s hair the match begins.
Landin: The Usos are the shit, as are Titus and Darren, so this match should be good. As predicted, Jim Ross is out here on commentary now, meaning he was probably late for work this week. Conspicuous by his absence is Abraham Washington, who does not exist in the Full Sail Hell Dimension, mostly due to the fact that Full Sail is permanently stuck in May 2012. The Usos tights remind me of watermelon. That's probably why these two teams fight so much.
These guys have fought a billion times and Jimmy’s first move is to completely mess up Darren’s hair which seems to be what this feud is about now that they’ve removed Tamina Snuka from it and now that most of the promos involve the Usos telling Darren his head looks like a “boom mic.” Young runs to his corner offended by what they’ve done to his hair and hugs Titus O’Neil.
Landin: Considering the win-loss records of both teams, it's pretty obvious who is going to win here. I actually have a theory as to why Darren and Titus win so much. You see, Titus O'Neil's penis is so small that there is barely any blood flow going to it at all. This allows more blood flow to the rest of his body, which enables him to hit harder and put more strength behind his moves. I'm a genius for figuring this out, so thank me later.
This is actually happening. Darren then rushes Jimmy Uso and gets floored. Jey is tagged in and splashes Darren in the corner followed by a knife-edge chop. Darren Young is in trouble because he’s been worried more about his hair than this match. Darren finally manages to headlock Jey and work him into the corner where Titus O’Neil is tagged in. Titus begins ramming Jey’s head into the turnbuckle repeatedly and powering him down but Jey is taking the fight right to him. Jimmy is tagged back in and now O’Neil is in trouble. Finally Titus tags in Darren Young. William Regal says Titus O’Neil made a donation to the “Save The Donkey” association this week. The Prime Time Players take a break outside to try to comb Darren’s hair some more and the Usos mock them in the middle of the ring. Darren gets back in and gets clotheslined right back to the outside. One Uso back bodydrops the other to the outside on top of Young and O’Neil and then the Usos play to the crowd in the center of the ring while team Soul-Glo is down outside. We come back and the Usos are still dominating the match. Finally double team tactics allow Titus O’Neil to get the advantage.
I laugh as Jim Ross calls Titus a “massive man” and a “huge individual.” Titus small penis jokes will never die. Young is tagged back and begins to work on the leg of Jimmy Uso who is now in trouble in the heel corner. O’Neil cuts Jimmy off from his corner and the tag and then powers him right back into the heel corner where Young is tagged back in. Young manages to prevent the tag in the corner by the Usos by tripping Jey before Jimmy can tag him. The pace of the match is slowed. The Prime Time Players are dominating but Titus spends too much time focused to the crowd (at least he didn’t do the dog back) and that allows Jimmy to fight out and drop him. Jey and Darren are both respectively tagged in for your typical “hot tag” formula the WWE loves so much. Darren is shoved into Titus knocking him off the apron as Jey hits a Samoan Drop and plays to the crowd before hitting the Ass Crash in the corner. He goes for a cover but Titus breaks up the 3-count. Jimmy drags Titus to the outside but gets kicked in the face while Jey is beating Darren’s ass in the corner. The official is tending to Jey as Titus hits a backbreaker into Darren’s elbow drop allowing The Prime Time Players to get the victory. MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THAT’S RIGHT.
Landin: As expected, Titus O'Neil and his bear cub penis come through and pick up the win. Darren and Titus are also referred to as the Prime Time Players when they win, which makes me wonder why William Regal referred to them as the Main Event Players in the beginning of the show. It's worth noting that even WITH commentary inconsistencies such as this, this show still stays true to the continuity more than Raw and Smackdown do. That's it for this week's NXT. As painful as it was, it was still more interesting than the 37 AJ segments we are force fed on the two major shows every week. Plus, no Hornswoggle and no Santino means I was not tempted to shoot myself at any point throughout this broadcast.