Friday Night Drinking With Riv! Riv , 2012/07/20 22:39
Getting my pre-game face on.
There are times in life where life itself just puts you in a mood. A mood where youíre not mad, or depressed, but just in a rut. You feel trapped, stuck. You feel anxious Ė you want things to get better, but thereís just these little things that jab at you that put you in a state of ultimate fucking limbo. And sometimes on these days where you feel like youíre not alive, just existing on auto-pilot you just feel the need to drink.
I actually donít need to drink Ė I havenít had a drink since the time I was forced to review hideous BBW Porn. However today just put me in that mood between good and bad where they cancel each other out and make you numb and either one of two things will happen: Iíll either get really happy from drinking, or really fucking depressed. So here I am, flipping the coin and making Scott Hall proud. Or at least the Scott Hall Parody account on Twitter is proud.
This man used to be my hero when I was like 12Ö Thatís probably why I grew into such a fucked up adult.
This article will be updated in real time as I get more and more drunk so keep refreshing to watch the madness (or greatness) progress.
Corona, how I missed thee Ė and writing? I missed writing too but there hasnít been anything good to write about in a long time and Iíve been stuck doing non-stop wrestling recaps. Thatís probably because wrestling comes on four fucking times a week. I donít do Troyís TNA recap for him but I STILL have to get the screens. Landin probably can do NXT on his own but Landin and I are probably two of the best collaborative writers on the entire Internet. Itís like a text-version of those two old man muppets, only we have nice tans and abs and hair.
Okay Ė Landin has the abs and I have the hair. And Iím probably not doing myself ANY favors in the abs department by sitting here drinking while writing this because I do in fact happen to be 100% Hispanic and suffer from Luis Guzmanís Disease. At least Landin has the luck of being only HALF Puerto Rican so he only gets mild LGDÖ and stunted midget Italian growth like Stallone. Oh well at least neither of us are in danger of going full Guzman: Thereís no going back from that.
That horrible photo was brought to you by Machís Fakes who is also the creator of FINLAYDICK.JPG which has been going around. WWFMike is an awesome gay mad scientist. I believe he even made a fake nude of Johnny Landin thatís floating around somewhere on the Internet. Youíre probably asking yourself ďwhat kind of sick person commissions a fake nude of Luis Guzman?Ē Well, Iíll have you know that the Fake Nude of Luis Guzman actually has some real life application, which involves the time that my STALKER came down to Georgia and I attempted to make myself the absolute worst date ever to make her lose interest. The man now known on Twitter as CrankyRiv then proceeded to spam text her Naked Luis Guzman over and over and over again the entire time she was here. What a glorious human being Crusty is, although his new identity as a parody of me is kind of strange like the time Scorpion became Venom and then became Spider-Man.
Fuck you Mac Gargan Ė Eddie Brock will always be Venom. Fuck yourself. Anyway back to my point Ė writing will always be my first and foremost passion even when I havenít written an article that wasnít a wrestling recap in a good long while. I will always be my most creative typing a thought, an idea, an opinion or a review. Even though nowadays everyone wants to do Podcasts, Tweet, Do YouTube shows and even Tout, (TOUT, REALLY?) my passion will always be as a writer. Unfortunately in this world of damn near illiterate people with no attention span whatsoever, writing is a dying artform on the Internet which will soon be replaced by shit like dumb creepy motherfuckers making videos about their fantasies about gay sex with Mike Mizanin:
Iím not really sure why that kid is allowed to exist. See what happens when you PREVENT bullying? You create a world where itís OK to be fucking creepy. When that kid skins the Miz, eats him, and wears his removed scrotum around his neck as a medallion, it will be on all your heads for preaching TOLERANCE.
Anyway as I was saying before I decided to embed the creepiest homosexual to ever be born into the world, the Internet is plagued by the fact that the creation of other media outlets which encourage you to express thoughts at a maximum of 140 characters or less and audio/video content is taking over, however even that is being limited. Now weíve got Tout which is for 15 second video clips. What can you really do in 15 seconds? I canít even start and finish a piss in 15 seconds Ė believe me I touted and tried.
In fact the only person who manages to make the most out of 15 seconds (which is about 10 more seconds than he gets on television every week these days) is my good friend Derrick Bateman, who remarked that he would come to my wedding and do body shots off Johnny Landin in one of his touts (that means CLICK HERE since Tout doesnít let you embedÖ yet). So yes, Derrick Bateman will be at my wedding. And he also owes me a personally chaperoned date which would be totally fucking awesome. Seriously heís the most entertaining person NOT being used in the WWE Ė and heís the Most Interesting Man on Tout.
I mean how can you not respect that sculpture? (I wonder if that's a sculpture of Kaitlyn) Thatís the best use of clay Iíve seen since the movie Ghost (which will be reviewed in the near future on JasonRivera.com for all you youngíuns who donít appreciate the greatness of that film).
Derrick was also on-screen engaged to Karlee "Maxine" Perez, which was the greatest thing ever because Maxineís hotness actually made her level of psycho worth it. Hopefully Derrickís not too mad that after Johnny Curtis she moved on to me, at least for 30 seconds she did:
Anyway back to the point: thereís not much I can do in 15 seconds. Have you ever asked me a YES or NO question? I donít even answer with YES and NO because I tend to feel the need to fully explain my answer. I donít think I will be using this whole TOUT thing very much at all. Maybe if they up it to 30, but even then, I rarely ever do Rivality TV anymore because of the fact nobody is ever around to play camera man and the last time anyone wanted to hang out with me it was only if they could borrow $100. Fuck getting old. People stop being around. Ever. Donít get old. And if you get old donít get old alone because life suddenly becomes PSYCHO difficulty level with no continues or save points.
Anyway, so there will be a wedding one day and Derrick Bateman and Johnny Landin are invited. I just hope my love is as pure and as true as the love between AJ Lee and Daniel Bryan:
Now THAT is love. Except for that time he wished sheíd never been born which is kind of fucked up. Although I think I have found the perfect candidate in @kisawesomexo.
Kara actually likes the idea of being with me for some reason in a world where everyone hates and fears me like Iím one of Charles Xavierísrape victims I meanÖ X-Men. She claims me, she talks to me, sheís sweet to me. Usually people on Twitter are too busy saying hurtful shit like this:
That is literally the way 97% of Twitter speaks to me.
Anyway, Initially Kara and I decided to piss everyone off by being overly affectionate but something actually came of that and in all seriousness, she talks to me, and isnít ashamed to admit we have a thing and understands me in a way I havenít had in a long time and while most people would sit there and make their stupid little comments, theyíre not privy to the conversations that arenít out in the open and Kara may very well be the only girl Iíve clicked with that isnít completely psychotic and insane. So Kara, if youíre reading this, youíre great, and thank you for always treating me the way I want and often need to be treated. And for being able to only other person that finds immense humor in Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
Stabler is the fucking man.
Iím pretty sure the only person who isnít completely disgusted by us is Cassie the owner of CMPunkSource.org, and therefore Cassie is the only one of you thatís a truly wonderful human being so go to her website. Or else. Kara is seriously the greatest thing to happen to the female gender since AJ Lee.
Nevermind. Bonner Kid ruined it. Bonner Kid ruins everything. Okay enough of the mushy stuff. And no I donít give a fuck if you people donít like it or think I should hand in my man-card. You people have no right to judge me. I REVIEWED CHYNA PORN FOR YOU PEOPLE. Fucking ingrates.
I should be out tonight seeing The Dark Knight Rises to get this shit over with. Unfortunately the latest showing is at 10:45 PM and so at 10:00 PM with 45 minutes to get dressed thatís not enough time to do anything, and thatís the only IMAX showing they have and if youíre going to see some shit like this might as well fucking see it in IMAX anyway. And it has nothing to do with the shooter Ė it just has to do with how lame everything has gotten especially with things dubbed ďwhite people movies.Ē I live in a predominantly black area and Iím pretty sure if it was another one of those fucking Madea movies, they would actually play it in 12 fucking theaters and probably have built in KFC and free watermelon.
Yes Iím being stereotypical Ė but fuck you. It gets bad when a Tyler Perry ANYTHING comes out here which is funny because every single black person I know in real life or online fucking despises Tyler Perry and would assassinate that son of a bitch themselves probably because almost all his movies are about convincing black women that black men are pieces of shit and all need to die. Hell I fucking reviewed For Colored Girls where there were black rapists, and black post-traumatic stress syndrome guys throwing their kids out a fucking window for the hell of it.
I admit, I laughed. But Iím pretty sure all the black men that didnít get laid for months after this movie came out did not.
Anyway, while I am a realist and not stupid enough to believe The Dark Knight Rises is going to be the be-all end-all of movies, I want to see it to get it out of the way, avoid spoilers, and get it over and done with. I almost donít even care because itís been overhyped and Iím not a big fan of Anne Hathaway and Iím a poor motherfucker that has been FORCED to sit through The Devil Wears Prada - and honestly Anne Hathaway is justÖ boring. Even NAKED Anne Hathaway is boring.
Thatís the most disappointing celebrity baseball card in existence. This is catwoman? I feel like I should go do something else rather than stare at her naked. And Bane is justÖ not good front villain material. In fact my expectations for a Batman movie have never been lower than they are for this movie and the second film The Dark Knight is just a tough act to follow. Period. Ledgerís performance was so good he died afterwards probably knowing he could never fucking top that.
But unfortunately this motherfucker had to spoil the bunch. Itís sad because people are living in fear of a dumb fuck who took the movies too seriously, shot and killed people at a midnight showing, insisted on being called the Joker and booby trapped his entire fucking apartment. I wonder if Marvel Comics hired him just so people wouldnít go see this movie. Iím not going to make wise-cracks though because this was seriously screwed up but if you donít go live your life and you donít go to the movies because of what this lunatic did, youíre robbing yourself and letting him win. People like this want you to live in fear obviously and stop living life. You can get hit by a bus tomorrow, lightning could strike you. You could wake up and have a tumor or a stroke or anything. My point is you never know what life is going to throw at you. Donít let some idiot who canít distinguish fantasy from reality stop you from living it. No matter what don't give these scumbags that satisfaction.
Although people who look like THIS are probably the reason you donít want to go to the movies at midnight. These people come out in full force. These are the people who are 45 year old virgins, and spend all day playing Magic: The Gathering.
I bet itís hard to find a Reya Dawnbringer card that isnít covered in crusty cum because these people have never even smelled a vagina in their lives. Seriously.
And people are getting mad I donít shout them out in articles, mainly @MehIsKrazy who claims he asked me for one once but I donít remember. Pardon me. I am old. And drinking. And My brain doesnít work that good when I do.
Itís somewhat hard to do the drunken article thing anymore because I honestly have been outclassed at this by the drunken live-tweeting of one @Barrettunga who I donít think is ever sober. Heís pretty hardcore and he posts so much on Twitter heís jailed at least twice a day. How do I have more followers than this guy? Go follow him if you arenít already Ė aside from that his accent is pretty bad-ass and you can even hear his guest spot on this weekís Asked & Answered - at least he sounds manlier than AH Walker.
Holy fuck. That just makes me need another beer. Why does that exist? I decide to read my horoscope. I wonder if it says I will see AH Walker photoshopped into a Mangina today.
Well thatís depressing sounding SO FUCK YOU. You know whatís NOT depressing? Heath Slaterís entrance theme:
IíM JUST ONE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN WHOA, IíM THE ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNDDDD!!! Listen to that while I go get another beer.
And if you donít like Heath Slaterís music FUCK YOU AND WATCH THIS:
MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THATíS RIGHT. MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT MOVE MOVE MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THATíS RIGHT. MOVE GET IT GET IT MOVE MOVE GET IT THATíS RIGHT. How did I not notice this existed the entire time I recapped NXT? Itís so appalling that itís epic. Itís probably the only good thing about Titus OíNeil and it is ALL DOWNHILL from there. Anyway Iím still drinking and drinking alone. Kara is in bed and probably embarrassed by her earlier mention and I donít want to screw that up because sheís the only woman who talks to me like I havenít decisively failed at life anymore. But in all truth MOST women these days are out there and drinking alone ensures that I donít end up like an angle in TNA Wrestling.
The CRACKHEAD community?!? Iíve honestly thought that as far as the future of my love-life my life was doomed unless Johnny Landin and I starred in some sort of 2012 remake of the hit Ď80s classic film Weird Science and created our own woman.
For you young fucks out there, this was the most awesome movie ever where two nerds CREATED the perfect woman. And shit got out of control. Chances are it will be remade and be only 1/4th as awesome as the original which is how Hollywood does things these days. Fuck you Hollywood. Iím especially mad that Total Recall has a remake coming in theaters soon as that movie was too fucking perfect the FIRST time, so much that I reviewed it was one of my all-time favorite Arnold movies. I may still go see the remake but not for Colln Farrellís flowery ass, but for the three-tit woman 2012 edition.
Baby, you make me wish I had THREE HANDS! Seriously though, I promise any of you that arenít as ancient as me the 1980s and 1990s originals of films are WAY fucking better than most of these sorry ass remakes. So what if the special effects were cheesy back then? We did the best with what we had and it was quality. Arnold was a fucking BEAST. I miss those days. Now we have so much UNMANLINESS plaguing society that itís not even remotely funny. This is why Justin Bieber is so popular and for those who want to know the reason I hate Bieber so much this is why.
Justin Bieber is so anti-Alpha itís frightening and with however-many-million Beliebers it means that a lot of adolescent girls are growing up with a horrible and gross misconception of what a man is and is supposed to be. Real manhood is being replaced with sappy douche behavior. Itís worrysome and sad. When I was growing up THIS was a real man:
YOU'RE ALL SLUTS! :-)
Now itís THIS:
Somewhere in life society took a WRONG turn. And this is probably why Iíve been officially single since 2006. Ladies I beg of you if nothing else PLEASE STOP GIVING PUSSY TO MEN LIKE THIS. They arenít even fucking men. Youíd be better off fucking lizard-creatures than this.
Yes, I went out of my way to find that to disgust all of you but it shouldnít be any more disgusting than sex with Justin Bieber or worse, ONE DIRECTION.
Seriously women. What the fuck is wrong with men who have height, weight, stamina, manliness, or virility? Most women are afraid of spiders. Somehow I doubt any of these guys would actually kill a spider. Theyíd probably jump on the bed with you and cry like little bitches. There is just too much estrogen in todayís men. It makes me ill. Clint Eastwood shits bigger than these five fuckfaces.
EASTWOOD. THATíS A REAL MOTHERFUCKINí MAN. Eastwood is so fucking manly no other man ALIVE can attain EASTWOOD status. Thatís how manly he is. WOMEN, you need to learn that Clint Eastwood is the absolute truth and that One Direction take turns sucking each otherís dicks. This is the law of the universe. In factÖ listen to this. Because Iím A FUCKING MAN!
AND I GUARANFUCKINGTEE YOU that rendition of the theme from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly is fucking MORE MANLY THAN ANY FUCKING SONG JUSTIN BIEBER OR ONE DIRECTION EVER AS OR EVER WILL PUT OUT. SPAGHETTI WESTERN ERECTION. FUCK YOU.
AWWW, HERE WE GO. Iím at the halfway point and clothing is cominí off RIGHT HERE. With LIMITED MOTOR SKILLS AND ABILITY JASON RIVERA WILL OVER COME THE ODDS RIGHT DERE.
Yes, @stefan_bailey, yes, the ability to type perfectly while inebriated took years of mastery. Itís some fucking Jedi fucking master shit RIGHT NOW, IN DIS BUSINESS!
Mace Windu, motherfuckers! Itís sort of funny that if you actually watch the Star Wars movies that Samuel L. Jackson is in even though they suck you can add ďMOTHERRFUCKERĒ to any line he says in that movie and it would fit perfectly. I also dare say if he cursed in those movies they would be infinitely better. Too bad Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were too busy raping everything they ever made great.
Sometimes South Park is insanely accurate. Anyway you know itís getting weird when I lack clothing, but truth be told Iím getting more confident in my looks despite my LGD and now here is one for the ladies:
You know I may not have abs, but I got balls and confidence. Balls and fucking confidence. BALLS AND GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING CONFIDENCE Ė and you will LOVE ME, except you canít because Kara treats me better than pretty much all of you EVER did.
And Dom fucking wins at best tweet of the fucking night award. Flattery gets you everywhere in Rivís world. So you will follow him at @allnewtpir so he can show you all the pictures of Kaitlynís ass that he shows me.
That is just nice. I want to be friends with it. At least she likes me a little better than she likes Landin though for some reason. Maybe because Iím tall and not in shape like Will Ferrell or something. And I love a nice backside on a girl. You can always fix nice tits but usually if you have no ass thereís no help for you. Itís a Latin thing I guess. I donít fucking know. What I want to know isÖ
DERRICK IS THAT A SCULPTURE OF KAITLYN OR NOT?!?
Here is a picture of Kelly Kelly pissing in a sink for no reason. Why? Because I hate her and unfit to lick my toutÖ err taint because her name isnít AJ, Kaitlyn or Maxine. Not that I'd want ANY woman to lick my tout or my taint because that's just insanely fucking creepy.
On an unrelated note I feel like that AJ Lee's ass is an ass crafted by the hands of fuckin' Zeus and I just want to point out any MAN that says ďAJ looks 12Ē and wouldnít fuck her is either a lying sack of shit or a Liberace level homosexual and should probably go have sex with EdWood, JasonRivera.comís Openly Gay Benefactor, staff member, and friend.
I still say this EdWood gif is the greatest gif of a non-female of all time. Mainly because that is the most bad-ass shirt ever. OAKES FOR CONNECTICUT SENATE 2016.
Is it weird that AJ Leeís WWE Entrance Theme gives me a boner? That was rhetorical. Donít answer that. Iím starting to wind down and get introspective and lonely and all that sad shit. There arenít many distractions so I decide to stare at my counterpart in Star Wars: The Old Republic.
It irritates me after 40 levels Iím still not a fucking Darth when you can become a Jedi in ten. Thatís just not fair and makes me mad. Still this game is fun and I think people are too hard on it based on a lack of patience/being on shitty servers. Ever since server transfer this game became enjoyable again, of course I donít MMO 10 hours a day because Iím not one of THESE GUYS:
Dweeb. I bet this guy jacks off to thoughts of fucking women in Star Wars or Warcraft costumes.
I guess I shouldnít criticize when Iím sitting here listening to AJ Leeís weird creepy entrance theme on loop. I begin to feel really emotional and caring. Shit. Fuck you feelings. Iím trying to write a fucking article here.
I drink a little more. I realize despite my soulless nature that Iím at my worst with an emotional and mental disconnect from everything and everyone. There is a common misconception that when I am unhappy I am a good writer. Nothing could be further from the truth Ė when I am unhappy I am miserable. I donít want to say or do anything. I donít even want to live. Itís only when I am happy that my best work comes out Ė I can be crazy Ė I can be venomous. I can produce classic articles. Any of my best work was done when I was happy or content with life. I also think the fact I havenít as of late (the past two years) is the reason articles are so few and far between. Thatís a little insight into how my mind and soul operate for all of you who go OUT OF YOUR WAY to make me unhappy in hopes that it will make me better at writing or at podcasting. You have it backwards and I honestly hope that everything that brings you joy in life is taken away from you if you believe my best work is when I am miserable. In fact I hope you get hit by a bus like Trini from Power Rangers.
Bitch morphed into fucking road kill. At least Amy Jo Johnson is still alive.
I think that kid likes ass even more than I do. If thatís even possible.
I love SadFrog. Itís the greatest thing ever. I seriously never stop laughing even if it reminds me of the sad music from Chrono Trigger When Glenn becomes Frog (which is ironic since it makes me think @Glenntertain can become @RasslinTroll through black magic and sorcery).
That theme is SO FUCKING DEPRESSING. I miss when videogames had awesome soundtracks. Chrono Trigger is one of the best fucking soundtracks ever. The music really caused you to get absorbed into the moment of the game. We donít have that anymore because every game wants to use fucking dubstep. Dubstep sounds like what would happen if I ate a Speak Ní Spell and had to shit it out an hour later with explosive diarrhea. Maybe Iím just old. Shut the fuck up and listen to the Chrono Trigger soundtrack. FUCK YOU!
YES! SUPER NES! IíM *THAT* OLD! FUCK YOU! HEREíS SOME MORE. FUCK YOU SOME MORE!
IT WAS EPIC! YOU X-BOX AND PS3 PIECES OF SHIT KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NO GODDAMN CHRONO TRIGGER! Beliebers begin to fight with me on Twitter as is an almost weekly occurrence because they like men who look like Ellen Degeneres.
Someone should explain to this person I am vicious, cold-blooded and cruel to everyone on earth except for Kara and AJ Lee and so he can fucking DIE. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. DIE like Kefka telling you to die from Final Fantasy VI.
I AM IN AN OLD SCHOOL SNES RPG STATE OF MIND. FUCK YOU ALL. AND FUCK CALL OF DUTY TOO. I miss the days the RPG ruled the videogame worldÖ and Kefka.
Okay, Kefka was kind of a faggot but he was still a bad-ass faggot. AND THAT MUSIC. Iím old school. And old school means that Kefka could kick the shit out of Sephiroth 100 times out of 100 times. Most of you just donít know because you only came on board from Final Fantasy VII onward. Kefka would fuck your mothersÖ and your fathers (because heís so totally fucking gay) then shove the Light of Kefka up your asses too.
You know who is a cheap sack of shit? Eddy Gordo from Tekken.
This really has nothing to do with anything previously written other than my moment to tell you that Eddy Gordo is a sack of fuck-shit and if you have EVER picked Eddy Gordo in anything you are a cheap motherfuck and your mother SHOULD be fucked and gangraped by black people like the Mexican maid in Death Wish 2.
Iím not condoning rape but that shit was fucking funny. Movies were just weird in the late Ď70s/early Ď80s. Back then though people werenít sensitive to every little fucking thing. I hate how ďeasily offendedĒ the world is. Everything makes everyone made. Somewhere someone is mad at this article and to them I say GO FUCK YOURSELF. I really donít need to be on Twitter after this many beers because posts like THIS happen:
Yeah I might just be a little hostile and hyper when I drink. I miss Kara. Mainly because she knows exactly what to say to bring me back to earth when I go into ďCrazy Person Mode.Ē I decide to listen to Raptor Jesus on YTMND while trying to figure out what to do next. Iím all out of ideas, you see. Thatís probably why I donít write very often. Fuck this. Itís not worth drinking four more beers to please you sons of bitches. Iím going to bed. Fuck everyone. And if you use Eddy Gordo PLEASE DIE OF AIDS.