Friday Night Drinking With Riv!
Riv , 2012/07/20 22:39

Getting my pre-game face on.

I actually don’t need to drink – I haven’t had a drink since the time I was forced to review hideous BBW Porn. However today just put me in that mood between good and bad where they cancel each other out and make you numb and either one of two things will happen: I’ll either get really happy from drinking, or really fucking depressed. So here I am, flipping the coin and making Scott Hall proud. Or at least the Scott Hall Parody account on Twitter is proud.

This man used to be my hero when I was like 12… That’s probably why I grew into such a fucked up adult.

Beer 01

Corona, how I missed thee – and writing? I missed writing too but there hasn’t been anything good to write about in a long time and I’ve been stuck doing non-stop wrestling recaps. That’s probably because wrestling comes on four fucking times a week. I don’t do Troy’s TNA recap for him but I STILL have to get the screens. Landin probably can do NXT on his own but Landin and I are probably two of the best collaborative writers on the entire Internet. It’s like a text-version of those two old man muppets, only we have nice tans and abs and hair.

Okay – Landin has the abs and I have the hair. And I’m probably not doing myself ANY favors in the abs department by sitting here drinking while writing this because I do in fact happen to be 100% Hispanic and suffer from Luis Guzman’s Disease. At least Landin has the luck of being only HALF Puerto Rican so he only gets mild LGD… and stunted midget Italian growth like Stallone. Oh well at least neither of us are in danger of going full Guzman: There’s no going back from that.

That horrible photo was brought to you by Mach’s Fakes who is also the creator of FINLAYDICK.JPG which has been going around. WWFMike is an awesome gay mad scientist. I believe he even made a fake nude of Johnny Landin that’s floating around somewhere on the Internet. You’re probably asking yourself “what kind of sick person commissions a fake nude of Luis Guzman?” Well, I’ll have you know that the Fake Nude of Luis Guzman actually has some real life application, which involves the time that my STALKER came down to Georgia and I attempted to make myself the absolute worst date ever to make her lose interest. The man now known on Twitter as CrankyRiv then proceeded to spam text her Naked Luis Guzman over and over and over again the entire time she was here. What a glorious human being Crusty is, although his new identity as a parody of me is kind of strange like the time Scorpion became Venom and then became Spider-Man.

Fuck you Mac Gargan – Eddie Brock will always be Venom. Fuck yourself. Anyway back to my point – writing will always be my first and foremost passion even when I haven’t written an article that wasn’t a wrestling recap in a good long while. I will always be my most creative typing a thought, an idea, an opinion or a review. Even though nowadays everyone wants to do Podcasts, Tweet, Do YouTube shows and even Tout, (TOUT, REALLY?) my passion will always be as a writer. Unfortunately in this world of damn near illiterate people with no attention span whatsoever, writing is a dying artform on the Internet which will soon be replaced by shit like dumb creepy motherfuckers making videos about their fantasies about gay sex with Mike Mizanin:

I’m not really sure why that kid is allowed to exist. See what happens when you PREVENT bullying? You create a world where it’s OK to be fucking creepy. When that kid skins the Miz, eats him, and wears his removed scrotum around his neck as a medallion, it will be on all your heads for preaching TOLERANCE.

Beer 02

Anyway as I was saying before I decided to embed the creepiest homosexual to ever be born into the world, the Internet is plagued by the fact that the creation of other media outlets which encourage you to express thoughts at a maximum of 140 characters or less and audio/video content is taking over, however even that is being limited. Now we’ve got Tout which is for 15 second video clips. What can you really do in 15 seconds? I can’t even start and finish a piss in 15 seconds – believe me I touted and tried.

In fact the only person who manages to make the most out of 15 seconds (which is about 10 more seconds than he gets on television every week these days) is my good friend Derrick Bateman, who remarked that he would come to my wedding and do body shots off Johnny Landin in one of his touts (that means CLICK HERE since Tout doesn’t let you embed… yet). So yes, Derrick Bateman will be at my wedding. And he also owes me a personally chaperoned date which would be totally fucking awesome. Seriously he’s the most entertaining person NOT being used in the WWE – and he’s the Most Interesting Man on Tout.

I mean how can you not respect that sculpture? (I wonder if that's a sculpture of Kaitlyn) That’s the best use of clay I’ve seen since the movie Ghost (which will be reviewed in the near future on JasonRivera.com for all you young’uns who don’t appreciate the greatness of that film).

Derrick was also on-screen engaged to Karlee "Maxine" Perez, which was the greatest thing ever because Maxine’s hotness actually made her level of psycho worth it. Hopefully Derrick’s not too mad that after Johnny Curtis she moved on to me, at least for 30 seconds she did:

Anyway back to the point: there’s not much I can do in 15 seconds. Have you ever asked me a YES or NO question? I don’t even answer with YES and NO because I tend to feel the need to fully explain my answer. I don’t think I will be using this whole TOUT thing very much at all. Maybe if they up it to 30, but even then, I rarely ever do Rivality TV anymore because of the fact nobody is ever around to play camera man and the last time anyone wanted to hang out with me it was only if they could borrow $100. Fuck getting old. People stop being around. Ever. Don’t get old. And if you get old don’t get old alone because life suddenly becomes PSYCHO difficulty level with no continues or save points.

Beer 03

Anyway, so there will be a wedding one day and Derrick Bateman and Johnny Landin are invited. I just hope my love is as pure and as true as the love between AJ Lee and Daniel Bryan:

Now THAT is love. Except for that time he wished she’d never been born which is kind of fucked up. Although I think I have found the perfect candidate in @kisawesomexo.

Kara actually likes the idea of being with me for some reason in a world where everyone hates and fears me like I’m one of Charles Xavier’s rape victims I mean… X-Men. She claims me, she talks to me, she’s sweet to me. Usually people on Twitter are too busy saying hurtful shit like this:

That is literally the way 97% of Twitter speaks to me.

Anyway, Initially Kara and I decided to piss everyone off by being overly affectionate but something actually came of that and in all seriousness, she talks to me, and isn’t ashamed to admit we have a thing and understands me in a way I haven’t had in a long time and while most people would sit there and make their stupid little comments, they’re not privy to the conversations that aren’t out in the open and Kara may very well be the only girl I’ve clicked with that isn’t completely psychotic and insane. So Kara, if you’re reading this, you’re great, and thank you for always treating me the way I want and often need to be treated. And for being able to only other person that finds immense humor in Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

Stabler is the fucking man.

I’m pretty sure the only person who isn’t completely disgusted by us is Cassie the owner of CMPunkSource.org, and therefore Cassie is the only one of you that’s a truly wonderful human being so go to her website. Or else. Kara is seriously the greatest thing to happen to the female gender since AJ Lee.

AJ still gives me bonners too though.

Nevermind. Bonner Kid ruined it. Bonner Kid ruins everything. Okay enough of the mushy stuff. And no I don’t give a fuck if you people don’t like it or think I should hand in my man-card. You people have no right to judge me. I REVIEWED CHYNA PORN FOR YOU PEOPLE. Fucking ingrates.

I should be out tonight seeing The Dark Knight Rises to get this shit over with. Unfortunately the latest showing is at 10:45 PM and so at 10:00 PM with 45 minutes to get dressed that’s not enough time to do anything, and that’s the only IMAX showing they have and if you’re going to see some shit like this might as well fucking see it in IMAX anyway. And it has nothing to do with the shooter – it just has to do with how lame everything has gotten especially with things dubbed “white people movies.” I live in a predominantly black area and I’m pretty sure if it was another one of those fucking Madea movies, they would actually play it in 12 fucking theaters and probably have built in KFC and free watermelon.

Yes I’m being stereotypical – but fuck you. It gets bad when a Tyler Perry ANYTHING comes out here which is funny because every single black person I know in real life or online fucking despises Tyler Perry and would assassinate that son of a bitch themselves probably because almost all his movies are about convincing black women that black men are pieces of shit and all need to die. Hell I fucking reviewed For Colored Girls where there were black rapists, and black post-traumatic stress syndrome guys throwing their kids out a fucking window for the hell of it.

I admit, I laughed. But I’m pretty sure all the black men that didn’t get laid for months after this movie came out did not.

Beer 04

Anyway, while I am a realist and not stupid enough to believe The Dark Knight Rises is going to be the be-all end-all of movies, I want to see it to get it out of the way, avoid spoilers, and get it over and done with. I almost don’t even care because it’s been overhyped and I’m not a big fan of Anne Hathaway and I’m a poor motherfucker that has been FORCED to sit through The Devil Wears Prada - and honestly Anne Hathaway is just… boring. Even NAKED Anne Hathaway is boring.

That’s the most disappointing celebrity baseball card in existence. This is catwoman? I feel like I should go do something else rather than stare at her naked. And Bane is just… not good front villain material. In fact my expectations for a Batman movie have never been lower than they are for this movie and the second film The Dark Knight is just a tough act to follow. Period. Ledger’s performance was so good he died afterwards probably knowing he could never fucking top that.

But unfortunately this motherfucker had to spoil the bunch. It’s sad because people are living in fear of a dumb fuck who took the movies too seriously, shot and killed people at a midnight showing, insisted on being called the Joker and booby trapped his entire fucking apartment. I wonder if Marvel Comics hired him just so people wouldn’t go see this movie. I’m not going to make wise-cracks though because this was seriously screwed up but if you don’t go live your life and you don’t go to the movies because of what this lunatic did, you’re robbing yourself and letting him win. People like this want you to live in fear obviously and stop living life. You can get hit by a bus tomorrow, lightning could strike you. You could wake up and have a tumor or a stroke or anything. My point is you never know what life is going to throw at you. Don’t let some idiot who can’t distinguish fantasy from reality stop you from living it. No matter what don't give these scumbags that satisfaction.

Although people who look like THIS are probably the reason you don’t want to go to the movies at midnight. These people come out in full force. These are the people who are 45 year old virgins, and spend all day playing Magic: The Gathering.

I bet it’s hard to find a Reya Dawnbringer card that isn’t covered in crusty cum because these people have never even smelled a vagina in their lives. Seriously.

And people are getting mad I don’t shout them out in articles, mainly @MehIsKrazy who claims he asked me for one once but I don’t remember. Pardon me. I am old. And drinking. And My brain doesn’t work that good when I do.

It’s somewhat hard to do the drunken article thing anymore because I honestly have been outclassed at this by the drunken live-tweeting of one @Barrettunga who I don’t think is ever sober. He’s pretty hardcore and he posts so much on Twitter he’s jailed at least twice a day. How do I have more followers than this guy? Go follow him if you aren’t already – aside from that his accent is pretty bad-ass and you can even hear his guest spot on this week’s Asked & Answered - at least he sounds manlier than AH Walker.

Holy fuck. That just makes me need another beer. Why does that exist? I decide to read my horoscope. I wonder if it says I will see AH Walker photoshopped into a Mangina today.

Well that’s depressing sounding SO FUCK YOU. You know what’s NOT depressing? Heath Slater’s entrance theme:

I’M JUST ONE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN WHOA, I’M THE ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNDDDD!!! Listen to that while I go get another beer.

Beer 05

And if you don’t like Heath Slater’s music FUCK YOU AND WATCH THIS:

MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THAT’S RIGHT. MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT MOVE MOVE MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THAT’S RIGHT. MOVE GET IT GET IT MOVE MOVE GET IT THAT’S RIGHT. How did I not notice this existed the entire time I recapped NXT? It’s so appalling that it’s epic. It’s probably the only good thing about Titus O’Neil and it is ALL DOWNHILL from there. Anyway I’m still drinking and drinking alone. Kara is in bed and probably embarrassed by her earlier mention and I don’t want to screw that up because she’s the only woman who talks to me like I haven’t decisively failed at life anymore. But in all truth MOST women these days are out there and drinking alone ensures that I don’t end up like an angle in TNA Wrestling.

The CRACKHEAD community?!? I’ve honestly thought that as far as the future of my love-life my life was doomed unless Johnny Landin and I starred in some sort of 2012 remake of the hit ‘80s classic film Weird Science and created our own woman.

For you young fucks out there, this was the most awesome movie ever where two nerds CREATED the perfect woman. And shit got out of control. Chances are it will be remade and be only 1/4th as awesome as the original which is how Hollywood does things these days. Fuck you Hollywood. I’m especially mad that Total Recall has a remake coming in theaters soon as that movie was too fucking perfect the FIRST time, so much that I reviewed it was one of my all-time favorite Arnold movies. I may still go see the remake but not for Colln Farrell’s flowery ass, but for the three-tit woman 2012 edition.

Baby, you make me wish I had THREE HANDS! Seriously though, I promise any of you that aren’t as ancient as me the 1980s and 1990s originals of films are WAY fucking better than most of these sorry ass remakes. So what if the special effects were cheesy back then? We did the best with what we had and it was quality. Arnold was a fucking BEAST. I miss those days. Now we have so much UNMANLINESS plaguing society that it’s not even remotely funny. This is why Justin Bieber is so popular and for those who want to know the reason I hate Bieber so much this is why.

Justin Bieber is so anti-Alpha it’s frightening and with however-many-million Beliebers it means that a lot of adolescent girls are growing up with a horrible and gross misconception of what a man is and is supposed to be. Real manhood is being replaced with sappy douche behavior. It’s worrysome and sad. When I was growing up THIS was a real man:

YOU'RE ALL SLUTS! :-)

Now it’s THIS:

Somewhere in life society took a WRONG turn. And this is probably why I’ve been officially single since 2006. Ladies I beg of you if nothing else PLEASE STOP GIVING PUSSY TO MEN LIKE THIS. They aren’t even fucking men. You’d be better off fucking lizard-creatures than this.

Yes, I went out of my way to find that to disgust all of you but it shouldn’t be any more disgusting than sex with Justin Bieber or worse, ONE DIRECTION.

Seriously women. What the fuck is wrong with men who have height, weight, stamina, manliness, or virility? Most women are afraid of spiders. Somehow I doubt any of these guys would actually kill a spider. They’d probably jump on the bed with you and cry like little bitches. There is just too much estrogen in today’s men. It makes me ill. Clint Eastwood shits bigger than these five fuckfaces.

EASTWOOD. THAT’S A REAL MOTHERFUCKIN’ MAN. Eastwood is so fucking manly no other man ALIVE can attain EASTWOOD status. That’s how manly he is. WOMEN, you need to learn that Clint Eastwood is the absolute truth and that One Direction take turns sucking each other’s dicks. This is the law of the universe. In fact… listen to this. Because I’m A FUCKING MAN!

AND I GUARANFUCKINGTEE YOU that rendition of the theme from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly is fucking MORE MANLY THAN ANY FUCKING SONG JUSTIN BIEBER OR ONE DIRECTION EVER AS OR EVER WILL PUT OUT. SPAGHETTI WESTERN ERECTION. FUCK YOU.

Beer 06

AWWW, HERE WE GO. I’m at the halfway point and clothing is comin’ off RIGHT HERE. With LIMITED MOTOR SKILLS AND ABILITY JASON RIVERA WILL OVER COME THE ODDS RIGHT DERE.

Yes, @stefan_bailey, yes, the ability to type perfectly while inebriated took years of mastery. It’s some fucking Jedi fucking master shit RIGHT NOW, IN DIS BUSINESS!

Mace Windu, motherfuckers! It’s sort of funny that if you actually watch the Star Wars movies that Samuel L. Jackson is in even though they suck you can add “MOTHERRFUCKER” to any line he says in that movie and it would fit perfectly. I also dare say if he cursed in those movies they would be infinitely better. Too bad Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were too busy raping everything they ever made great.

Sometimes South Park is insanely accurate. Anyway you know it’s getting weird when I lack clothing, but truth be told I’m getting more confident in my looks despite my LGD and now here is one for the ladies:

You know I may not have abs, but I got balls and confidence. Balls and fucking confidence. BALLS AND GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING CONFIDENCE – and you will LOVE ME, except you can’t because Kara treats me better than pretty much all of you EVER did.

And Dom fucking wins at best tweet of the fucking night award. Flattery gets you everywhere in Riv’s world. So you will follow him at @allnewtpir so he can show you all the pictures of Kaitlyn’s ass that he shows me.

That is just nice. I want to be friends with it. At least she likes me a little better than she likes Landin though for some reason. Maybe because I’m tall and not in shape like Will Ferrell or something. And I love a nice backside on a girl. You can always fix nice tits but usually if you have no ass there’s no help for you. It’s a Latin thing I guess. I don’t fucking know. What I want to know is…

DERRICK IS THAT A SCULPTURE OF KAITLYN OR NOT?!?

Here is a picture of Kelly Kelly pissing in a sink for no reason. Why? Because I hate her and unfit to lick my tout… err taint because her name isn’t AJ, Kaitlyn or Maxine. Not that I'd want ANY woman to lick my tout or my taint because that's just insanely fucking creepy.

On an unrelated note I feel like that AJ Lee's ass is an ass crafted by the hands of fuckin' Zeus and I just want to point out any MAN that says “AJ looks 12” and wouldn’t fuck her is either a lying sack of shit or a Liberace level homosexual and should probably go have sex with EdWood, JasonRivera.com’s Openly Gay Benefactor, staff member, and friend.

I still say this EdWood gif is the greatest gif of a non-female of all time. Mainly because that is the most bad-ass shirt ever. OAKES FOR CONNECTICUT SENATE 2016.

BEER 07

Is it weird that AJ Lee’s WWE Entrance Theme gives me a boner? That was rhetorical. Don’t answer that. I’m starting to wind down and get introspective and lonely and all that sad shit. There aren’t many distractions so I decide to stare at my counterpart in Star Wars: The Old Republic.

It irritates me after 40 levels I’m still not a fucking Darth when you can become a Jedi in ten. That’s just not fair and makes me mad. Still this game is fun and I think people are too hard on it based on a lack of patience/being on shitty servers. Ever since server transfer this game became enjoyable again, of course I don’t MMO 10 hours a day because I’m not one of THESE GUYS:

Dweeb. I bet this guy jacks off to thoughts of fucking women in Star Wars or Warcraft costumes.

I guess I shouldn’t criticize when I’m sitting here listening to AJ Lee’s weird creepy entrance theme on loop. I begin to feel really emotional and caring. Shit. Fuck you feelings. I’m trying to write a fucking article here.

I drink a little more. I realize despite my soulless nature that I’m at my worst with an emotional and mental disconnect from everything and everyone. There is a common misconception that when I am unhappy I am a good writer. Nothing could be further from the truth – when I am unhappy I am miserable. I don’t want to say or do anything. I don’t even want to live. It’s only when I am happy that my best work comes out – I can be crazy – I can be venomous. I can produce classic articles. Any of my best work was done when I was happy or content with life. I also think the fact I haven’t as of late (the past two years) is the reason articles are so few and far between. That’s a little insight into how my mind and soul operate for all of you who go OUT OF YOUR WAY to make me unhappy in hopes that it will make me better at writing or at podcasting. You have it backwards and I honestly hope that everything that brings you joy in life is taken away from you if you believe my best work is when I am miserable. In fact I hope you get hit by a bus like Trini from Power Rangers.

Bitch morphed into fucking road kill. At least Amy Jo Johnson is still alive.

I mean… damn. #DATBUM.

*#datbum is © @RasslinTroll, 2011-2012, all rights reserved.

I think that kid likes ass even more than I do. If that’s even possible.

I love SadFrog. It’s the greatest thing ever. I seriously never stop laughing even if it reminds me of the sad music from Chrono Trigger When Glenn becomes Frog (which is ironic since it makes me think @Glenntertain can become @RasslinTroll through black magic and sorcery).

That theme is SO FUCKING DEPRESSING. I miss when videogames had awesome soundtracks. Chrono Trigger is one of the best fucking soundtracks ever. The music really caused you to get absorbed into the moment of the game. We don’t have that anymore because every game wants to use fucking dubstep. Dubstep sounds like what would happen if I ate a Speak N’ Spell and had to shit it out an hour later with explosive diarrhea. Maybe I’m just old. Shut the fuck up and listen to the Chrono Trigger soundtrack. FUCK YOU!

YES! SUPER NES! I’M *THAT* OLD! FUCK YOU! HERE’S SOME MORE. FUCK YOU SOME MORE!

IT WAS EPIC! YOU X-BOX AND PS3 PIECES OF SHIT KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NO GODDAMN CHRONO TRIGGER! Beliebers begin to fight with me on Twitter as is an almost weekly occurrence because they like men who look like Ellen Degeneres.

Someone should explain to this person I am vicious, cold-blooded and cruel to everyone on earth except for Kara and AJ Lee and so he can fucking DIE. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. DIE like Kefka telling you to die from Final Fantasy VI.

I AM IN AN OLD SCHOOL SNES RPG STATE OF MIND. FUCK YOU ALL. AND FUCK CALL OF DUTY TOO. I miss the days the RPG ruled the videogame world… and Kefka.

Okay, Kefka was kind of a faggot but he was still a bad-ass faggot. AND THAT MUSIC. I’m old school. And old school means that Kefka could kick the shit out of Sephiroth 100 times out of 100 times. Most of you just don’t know because you only came on board from Final Fantasy VII onward. Kefka would fuck your mothers… and your fathers (because he’s so totally fucking gay) then shove the Light of Kefka up your asses too.

Beer 08

You know who is a cheap sack of shit? Eddy Gordo from Tekken.

This really has nothing to do with anything previously written other than my moment to tell you that Eddy Gordo is a sack of fuck-shit and if you have EVER picked Eddy Gordo in anything you are a cheap motherfuck and your mother SHOULD be fucked and gangraped by black people like the Mexican maid in Death Wish 2.

I’m not condoning rape but that shit was fucking funny. Movies were just weird in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s. Back then though people weren’t sensitive to every little fucking thing. I hate how “easily offended” the world is. Everything makes everyone made. Somewhere someone is mad at this article and to them I say GO FUCK YOURSELF. I really don’t need to be on Twitter after this many beers because posts like THIS happen:

Yeah I might just be a little hostile and hyper when I drink. I miss Kara. Mainly because she knows exactly what to say to bring me back to earth when I go into “Crazy Person Mode.” I decide to listen to Raptor Jesus on YTMND while trying to figure out what to do next. I’m all out of ideas, you see. That’s probably why I don’t write very often. Fuck this. It’s not worth drinking four more beers to please you sons of bitches. I’m going to bed. Fuck everyone. And if you use Eddy Gordo PLEASE DIE OF AIDS.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com