RAW is Riv - 8-6-2012
Riv , 2012/08/06 22:20

3-Hour-RAW: Week 3. This is still pretty painful. I feel like there should be an Olympic Medal for recapping this fucking shit consistently as I have with little to no reward other than the feeling that I have no life. Tonight is “Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night” and while I respect all that the Heartbreak Kid has done does he really NEED an appreciation night? I mean, wasn’t that his Retirement Night, or Hall of Fame Induction Night? Or just about any number of nights? I guess being the best friend of the guy who fucks the boss’s daughter and will probably be the boss when the Boss finally fucks off and dies has a number of advantages. He’s Shawn Michaels and shows up when and where he wants – it doesn’t exactly need a specific title.

Hey I wish someone would throw “Jason Rivera Appreciation Night.” Not even my BIRTHDAY is Jason Rivera Appreciation Night. I feel like Mondays are “Jason Rivera UN-APPRECIATION Night” because I have to recap this shit for three hours. WWE Signature. I hate this thing. The previous one was vastly superior.

LAST MONDAY, AJ Lee became a midget version of Stephanie McMahon thus ruining everything. John Cena fought Big Show in a “Same Old Shit” match to determine who would go on to face CM Punk at Summerslam for the WWE Championship. Punk caused the match to get thrown out and AJ decided to (very predictably) make this into a Triple Threat match and the most horrible idea ever because nobody wants to see John Cena OR the Big Show. I’m excited for Summerslam weekend for completely different reasons. The new RAW intro plays “Tonight is the Night.” I HATE this intro. Frankly I hate RAW. It’s consistently the worst show to recap every week.

AJ opens the show. In a white suit. Jesus Christ that ass. I want to despise AJ as GM because this is the worst spot for her ever (as she puts Big Show vs. Randy Orton in a NOBODY CARES BUT PEOPLE WITH PUSSIES match). Daniel Bryan will also take on John Cena and… CM Punk is in a bad mood and decides to interrupt this.

More importantly… AJ looks naughty.

I admit that makes parts of me tingle. Punk gets on the microphone and admits he made a mistake last week when he lost his temper. He apologizes to AJ for yelling at her and letting his emotions get the better of him and disrespecting AJ Lee. Punk says the GM should not be disrespected. The WWE Champion should not be disrespected either. Punk then says he realizes how difficult the GM job must be and yes AJ is going to make mistakes like make Triple Threat matches for Summerslam. He tries to get AJ to cancel that match. AJ says the match stands and Punk accuses AJ of trying a petty hand at revenge for not marrying her. John Cena comes out here.

Cena is here to dick-to-ass AJ, ruining AJ, ruining RAW, ruining Summerslam, ruining Christmas, ruining pretty much everything while Cena bashes CM Punk for demanding respect. Cena talks about how he has to fight for respect to earn it. This becomes a very boring, generic, cookie cutter Cena promo.

No. Fuck you. AJ says she’s not letting them get out of hand and puts Big Show and John Cena in matches. Punk wants a match in the main event tonight. He’s granted it but AJ says it’s up to the WWE Universe, not her.

CM Punk will face either the Miz, Kane or Rey Mysterio. It’ll be Rey. This isn’t even a competition. We’re told to vote on Twitter and the vote will happen after the commercial break. Nice to know Punk went from Mr. 10 PM to Mr. 8 PM.

Rey Mysterio (predictably) wins with 47% of the vote. Rey is also the guy who caused Punk to cut his dirty Jesus hair, and jobbed Punk out consistently a few years back. I hope that now that the landscape has changed this is not the case. I am sick and tired of the predictability of Rey’s WWE finisher, the 619 however, and it makes most of his matches difficult to watch.

Why does Rey Mysterio look like the Riddler’s sperm tonight? Typical WWE match with commercials in between to make it look longer and more important than it actually is. Punk gets his knees up when Rey goes to drop the dime after the 619. GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. 3 Count. Punk wins.

Alberto Del Rio is here. This is important for some reason. Don’t ask me.

WADE BARRETT PROMO. Barrett not has facial hair and looks and sounds more pissed off than ever. AJ didn’t have Alberto scheduled for anything and he was fine with that and he says he was worried she was going to do something crazy. She doesn’t like being called crazy and forces Del Rio to wrestle even though he had the night off.

Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio is our match. Del Rio hasn’t even had time to take his suit off. This is a decent match. People hate Del Rio but I don’t see why. I just hate his feuds with have usually not been the right opponents to bring out the best in him in the build-ups. He’s good in the ring, as is Christian. I think tonight however will be the beginning of the Christian “Fuck my Life” tour to go along with the Drew McIntyre and Jack Swagger “Fuck My Life” tours respectively. Christian jobs thanks to the distraction by Ricardo Rodriguez. Sheamus responds to this by stealing Alberto’s car.

Randy Orton vs. the Big Show is next. No fucks given by anyone with a penis. DQ. RKO anyway. Who even fuckin’ cares?

Curt Hawkins HATES HIS LIFE. Ryback is going to 2 is Better Than 1 Reks and Hawkins tonight. Squash.

MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THAT’S RIGHT. Titus and Darren are already in the ring with Abraham Washington and we’re told they will take on Primo and Epico who are without Rosa tonight because she’s busy getting arrested and beaten by her fiancé. Decent tag match though. Primo and Epico are vastly underrated in the ring, but the Prime Time Players are being pushed and Primo and Epico have too many wins on them already so I expect the score to be evened up tonight. The Players try to leave but Boring Boom block their way. One Backstabller leader, Primo and Epico get the win.

WHAT A WONDERFUL WIN FOR PUERTO RICO… AND THE WORLD.

Damien Sandow is asked to explain his attack last week on Brodus Clay. Damien Sandow says he’s here to rid the WWE of all foolishness and tonight he will dispose of Brodus Clay. Maybe Sandow should start by eliminating WWE Creative who are the source of all the foolishness here. It’s time for him to fight Brodus next and I can only hope that he wins. Funky is apparently “on a roll.” Sandow attacks Brodus before the bell on the ramp and begins beating his ass. He totally prevented ass to ass. Damien Sandow attacks and destroys Brodus Clay and works his leg over. This is broken up and Sandow is proud of what he has done. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Damn that’s hot. I love AJ’s facial expressions. Daniel Bryan is still angry at AJ about ditching him at the altar. He says he’s calm now. Bryan wants to be in the title match as a fatal four way but AJ informs him he’s in a match with Kane. He tries to keep calm and this leads to him NO-ing while AJ YES-es. He storms off angry.

I have a boner. AJ is still cute. I just hate her as a General Manager because it takes her out of the ring, and gives her TOO MUCH exposure.

Everyone on Twitter bitched for Divas action… so we get Kelly Kelly… vs. Eve. This is just horrid.

Eve looks good as a heel. The rest of this sucks. You want a Divas match and you get the only two Eve cares about. Kelly wins… with the K2 Rollup. After the worst Divas Match ever, which sadly did NOT end in Kelly performing a roll-up off a cliff to her death, we get Shawn Michaels.

Shawn talks about RAW 1000 and the DX Reunion. HBK talks about how there are new faces backstage and but one thing that’s the same is the way everyone is talking about HHH-Brock at Summerslam. Brock’s music interrupts.

Lesnar and Heyman are out here because Lesnar can probably get massive heat by hurting Shawn. Heyman gets on the microphone and says HBK is in fact the greatest in ring entertainer in WWE history but Brock and Heyman realize that they don’t want his opinion on this particular match because Brock Lesnar is not coming to Summerslam to entertain. Brock’s going to kill, maim, maul, destroy, rape, molest, whatever on Hunter. He even calls Brock a BAD DUDE. Shawn says that they’re not getting an HHH that wants to entertain either because they made personal attacks on Hunter’s family so Shawn is going to say that Triple H is going to beat Brock at Summerslam. Shawn adds that he will be in Hunter’s corner at Summerslam. Heyman says Shawn will be bearing witness to the end of Hunter’s career and that it’s bad enough Hunter’s wife and kids are going to see it. Brock says the only reason he believes that is because he’s never been in a ring with Brock… until now. Hunter’s music plays and the Game is out here to make the save. Brock backs off and says he will see HHH at Summerslam and he will see HBK before that.

Sheamus is touting while driving. Apparently that’s perfectly ok. Sheamus begins singing in front of the Alamo in Alberto’s car. This is retarded. Nobody should in the WWE use Tout except Derrick Bateman.

Oh, hi jobber. Chris Jericho is doing commentary so this is probably Dolph Ziggler. It is. Dolph will likely win. This should consist of Alex Riley getting on his knees (a natural position for him) and begging Dolph to carry his briefcase for a year like he did for the Miz. Dolph begins beating A-Ry’s ass and dropkicks him so hard he ends up back in time on NXT Season 2. Jericho distracts Ziggler who gets ROLLED UP BY ALEX RILEY. The commentators don’t give Alex Riley props. Instead Jericho says Riley hasn’t won a match since Methusala was alive and Jerry Lawler says this is the only time Alex Riley will ever trend on Twitter.

No. Kane beat Miz clean with the chokeslam.

Sheamus got back and took a dump in and around Del Rio’s car. Del Rio is furious with Ricardo for leaving the keys in the car. Meanwhile Daniel Bryan NOs his way to the ring for the main event with John Cena.

He begins shaking on the ground like a lawn gnome with PARKINSONS. This facial expression is how 3 hour RAW makes me feel. I’d care if they did something different and maybe let Daniel Bryan win one.

Out comes John Cena. Fuck that music. Fuck the green shirts. AND FUCK YOU. This match should be on a Pay Per View… with Daniel Bryan winning. It’s on Raw with little to no build other than FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I’m not impressed with the way this match was built but at least they’re not making Cena mow over Daniel Bryan with some great moves and submissions. This needs to be inconclusive or DB needs to win because we need to believe there’s at least one person on the roster who is Cena’s kryptonite or he’s never truly beaten that is main event caliber. Cena wins clean with the FU. FUCK US ALL. Punk comes out after the match.

Staredown. And this time only one of them has a belt. Cena shoves Punk because he saw Big Show coming. Big Show and Cena end up fighting again while Punk is down and he drops Big Show and Cena when Cena is in FU position. Both men are down and Punk snatches a headset and begins yelling at Lawler. CM Punk says he’s let people like Lawler disrespect him and he’s been shaking hands, smiling good, and kissing babies and let people walk on him but from here on out CM Punk is out for himself and anyone who stands in his way will be left on the mat like Show and Cena. Punk tries to roundhouse Big Show but gets knocked out. Fuck this. The show should never end with Big Show victorious. Ever.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com