Bangable Videogame Heroines (Tekken)
Riv , 2013/02/16 16:22

In my previous article, I looked at the Bangable Videogame Heroines of Street Fighter and found that most of them are fucked up. I’ve concluded it is entirely possible all women in all videogames are a walking mass of psychological complexes that are only good in theory. I doubt Tekken’s females are going to fare much better than Street Fighter’s but now it’s time to take an in-depth look and see how they match up.

Nina Williams

Nina is the token Tekken female, and basically the Tekken equivalent of Street Fighter’s Chun Li in terms of being the “1st lady” of the series. There isn’t a Tekken game that Nina Williams hasn’t been in. She’s a cold-blooded, calculating, bad-ass assassin who just so happens to look good. She’s been hired by Mishimas, she’s been hired to kill Mishimas, and sometimes she’s been hired by Mishimas to KILL Mishimas. Sometimes she changes sides repeatedly within the same game. She’s not just a double agent but a triple agent. When the series jumped 20 years ahead between Tekken 2 and Tekken 3 they had Nina preserved in a cryogenic chamber to make sure they didn’t have to age her. Saggy tits and dumpy booty doesn’t sell copies of videogames.

Nina Character Concept Design for Tekken 75.

Pros

Nina Williams is your typical attractive blonde. She’s athletic, and there’s just something hot about a woman who knows how to handle all manner of weapons AND is versed in hand-to-hand combat. She ages well, and I guess that she has being frozen for a long time to thank for that.

Cons

Nina Williams is a stone cold killer. She doesn’t seem all that interested in sex. She’s technically a milf as while she was frozen they artificially inseminated her with the sperm that later would become Tekken’s Steve Fox. Nina doesn’t seem to fuck often and usually if she gets close to a man and seems like she’s about to fuck them it’s so she can KILL them. Chances are if you had a date with Nina Williams that went well someone that has a lot of money hates you and wants you dead.

Michelle Chang

Michelle Chang is another one of the original women of Tekken, debuting in the first game. She is a half-Chinese half-Native American woman who wants revenge on Heihachi Mishima for killing her father. In the 20 years that pass between Tekken 2 and 3 she manages to adopt a child, who is also a Tekken fighter. She is the object of affection for the original fat fuck of Tekken, Ganryu.

Don’t worry, she doesn’t feel the same way.

Pros

If you’re one of those guys that has a ethnicity checklist for women you want to fuck you can get both Chinese and Native American knocked out in one shot (of semen). Michelle seems simple, non-materialistic, and easy to please – just don’t be Ganryu.

Sorry, Ganryu, you fat fuck.

Cons

She dresses just a little bit fucking ridiculous. She dresses so ridiculous that other Native Americans in ridiculous costumes in videogames laugh at her. In theory you’re not there for her to be wearing clothing but she’s the kind of girl you may not want to be around in public. Also the Mishimas have a habit of kidnapping her, her mother, her daughter, her mail man, the last six people she spoke to, etc. If you want to be black bagged and held hostage for no reason other than “Heihachi/Kazuya/Jin hates Michelle Chang and is bored” go right ahead and plow her even if it means you may never be seen again.

Anna Williams

Nina’s uglier, less popular sister. I have never known ANYONE who liked Anna more than they liked Nina. She dresses silly, she’s got an older sister complex, and she’s usually your sloppy seconds assassin. She’s the bootleg copy of Nina people hire when Nina is not available sort of like how in Hollywood Donnie Wahlberg is only hired for movies when they can’t afford Marky Mark.

Anna has a long-lasting feud with Nina in an eternal game of 1-ups(wo)manship. Anything Anna can do Nina can do better, except for the being cryogenically frozen thing which Anna did as well and managed not to suffer amnesia, pregnancy or being mind-controlled upon being woken up. But none of that matters because Anna’s just not hot.

Pros

Unlike Nina who is the perfect assassin, Anna is kind of a hoe. She has a lot of ass/tit shaking win poses because she clearly has an inferiority complex. Even if on the off chance Anna was there to kill you she’d probably end up fucking you first, then botch the attempted murder and you’d get away and have gotten some ass in the process. All you have to do is tell her “Nina Williams is better and I settled” and she would probably break down into tears and be unable to continue. She is pretty much a failure at life created by Namco because they couldn’t think of anyone cooler to make into Nina’s sub boss in the original Tekken.

Cons

She’s not Nina Williams. Also her hair NEVER moves, or grows or remotely ever changes – I am convinced it’s a wig. I’m convinced Nina set her fucking hair on fire when they were children and she’s worn a wig ever since.

On top of the fact she might secretly be Telly Savalas, if Nina DOES try to kill her you’ll probably be collateral damage, used as a human shield and murdered in the ensuing battle.

And before you think you’re safe, Nina spends ALL HER FREE TIME trying to kill Anna – sometimes vice-versa.

Kunimitsu

Kunimitsu is a ninja that was expelled from Yoshimitsu’s Manji Ninja Clan for stealing for personal gain. Kunimitsu always wears a cat mask and is known for her red hair and knives. Also a funfact is for some ungodly reason Kunimitsu was a MAN in Tekken 1. Don’t worry, unlike Poison the words NEW HALF weren’t written under her character design and there is no evidence to anything claiming she’s really a male. It was just lazy character design and it is believed she was hiding her gender in the first game for some reason. Kunimitsu holds a grudge against Yoshimitsu for expelling her from the Ninja Clan and also wants to steal Michelle Chang’s pendant for some reason.

Pros

Pigtails just mean you have handlebars. That’s pretty much the only pro.

Cons

There are many, which is unfortunate. First off, nobody has seen Kunimitsu without the mask. Although recently some glitches, rumors, hackers and buggers have managed to find this:

There are rumors Kunimitsu is scarred the fuck up and possibly blind. I guess if you do her from behind or keep her fox mask on you never have to find out but if those aren’t scars somebody wiped their ass on her face and made it a mess. I’m pretty sure if her mask came off she’d stab you immediately even if it wasn’t your fault. Bitches in masks cannot be trusted. Plus if she’s blind Lionel Ritchie probably already has dibs on her. Haven’t you ever seen that video?

Secondly Kunimitsu much like MANY of the Tekken characters is a thief/assassin. Much like the Williams sisters she might be here to kill you and if she isn’t there to kill you, you have something she wants and it isn’t the D and since she is a master thief you’ll probably wake up to an empty apartment and possibly missing one or both of your kidneys.

Thirdly she was a man in Tekken 1, meaning you never know when Namco is going to feel as malicious as Capcom and suddenly go “POOF! NEWHALF!”

Jun Kazama/ Unknown

Jun Kazama was the female addition to Tekken 2, an insanely popular character due to buggy infinite corner trap combos. Her job was to protect smuggled wildlife which the Mishima family does pretty often (I mean these fuckers have pet bears for fuck’s sakes). Kazama is charged with arresting Kazuya Mishima but also senses the dark power in him. Later this somehow causes her to fuck (or be raped by; it’s never clarified) him and have their son Jin who would become the main character of the series from Tekken 3 onward. It’s believed Ogre killed her so essentially she just has really bad luck. All her appearances post Tekken 2 have been non-canonical in origin.

After her “demise” she is mostly seen as “Unknown” covered in some nasty gunk with an evil wolf spirit floating over her head, which is clearly the risks of having sexual intercourse of Kazuya and probably the worst STD ever.

That disease makes you grow an entire werewolf coming out of your anus at all times. She should probably consult a physician.

Pros

She’s got a pure heart. She was probably a virgin when Kazuya fucked her. If you want innocent, inexperienced and strong all in one she has it. She seems like someone who would be a good cook. She tried to be a good mother, so she’s a family-oriented kind of gal.

Cons

Well technically she is dead, so this is necrophilia which is frowned upon in most circles. Secondly even if she was alive, sex with Devil Kazuya probably traumatized her (and was a hentai artist’s personal favorite):

If that’s not enough we’re not sure the long-term effects of sex with the Devil had on her. Example, when she turns into Unknown she gets covered in nasty dark goo that looks like the Anti-Jizz.

I don’t want to get that shit all over my body. And then there’s the whole wolf-spirit thing which in one ending completely over took her body.

What if that happens during sex? Then you’re partaking in bestiality and that just makes you a sick motherfucker… and the wolf-thing is probably going to kill you too.

Angel

Angel is the antithesis to Devil Kazuya and supposedly part of the soul of Kazuya Mishima battling to try to prevent him from going further down the dark path. She essentially was nothing more than a swap of Devil that was used so they could technically consider it a second character.

Pros

Intangible people are slightly better than masturbation. Technically you may be able to have sex in mid-air which is an all-new experience seeing as she has the strength to lift a grown man and is also capable of flight.

Cons

Much like banging Rose in Street Fighter is the equivalent of fucking M. Bison, Angel is part of Kazuya therefore technically you are fucking Kazuya’s feminine side.

This makes you gay.

Julia Chang

Julia Chang is basically Michelle Chang but hotter. MUCH hotter. She manages to make Michelle’s shitty fashion sense work for her. How does she do this? By putting on a pair of glasses.

Behold. THE CUM SHIELD.

Julia Chang also likes professional wrestling, and has the alter-ego Jaycee, a masked luchadore version of herself. Rey Mysterio wishes he looked that good. Julia is Michelle’s replacement from Tekken 3 onward in just about every aspect. She’s more aggressive than her mother and wants to work on reforestation. She is a crazy environmentalist. Why are those always hot?

Pros

DAT CUM SHIELD. Julia is pretty awesome. She likes wrestling meaning you nerds may not have too much trouble with her. She’s smart, seems to be clean, and has big breasts.

Cons

Julia is an environmentalist and will probably force you to become a vegan. The odd contradiction to this is that she is the object of affection of fat men.

Ganryu gets arrested for straight creepin' in Tekken Tag Tournament 2.

Ganryu has this sick Mother-Daughter sexual fantasy and creeps on the younger Julia even though he initially wanted to nail Michelle. You may want Julia to sit on your face and end up with Ganryu instead.

AND THEN THERE WAS BOB. For some reason Julia is aligned with Bob in Street Fighter X Tekken, and the ending hints that Bob may admire her and the feeling may be mutual. Come to think of it this isn’t a con at all – she likes fat men, and most of you are fat Internet nerds anyway. Proceed. Just remember that Ganryu and Bob will probably smother you in their fat folds, killing you in the process.

Ling Xiaoyu

Tekken 3’s answer to Sakura from Street Fighter. Xiaoyu terrifies me.

First of all she used to walk around Tekken 3 looking like the People’s Republic of China. She was obsessed with amusement parks… and Pandas. She is a terminal child despite the fact that she’s now an adult by storyline…

…and yet is still in fucking high school so she’s kind of dumb. Oddly enough Xiaoyu has gotten much less ugly in the more recent Tekken games, and is a capable, competent martial artist despite the fact she doesn’t appear to be mentally over the age of 6.

Pros

Someone this dumb should be pretty easy to manipulate into sex. Xiaoyu is a fucking idiot in every sense of the word. Unlike her Street Fighter counterpart at least she doesn’t look like a little boy in a schoolgirl outfit, even if she is equally as obnoxious.

Cons

Above: Xiaoyu becomes possessed by Pandora while trying to protect Jin Kazama.

Xiaoyu is obsessed with Jin Kazama which is the only sign she fingers her vagina evident in the Tekken series. She’s obsessed with him to a ridiculous level even though he’s essentially told her to go fuck herself on 600 different occasions between Tekken 3 and Tekken 6. She’ll do anything for Jin Kazama (including taking the King of the Iron Fist’s Fists in her ass).

King of the Iron Fisting.

Hentai isn’t really arousing so much as fucking hilarious. Anyway the other problem is her bodyguard, Panda who may rip you to fucking shreds if you go near her, and SPEAKING OF WHICH…

Panda

A female panda bear who is Xiaoyu’s pet. Why this is even listed? For completionist purposes.

Pros

…really if you expected me to list any you’re a sick fuck and should go kill yourself.

Cons

It’s a goddamn panda. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Christie Monteiro

AWW YEAH. Now we’re talking. She’s Brazilian and into Capoeira. Her grandfather taught Eddy Gordo how to fight and Eddy Gordo repaid the favor after he got out of prison to teach Christie. Her goals are to save her elderly dying grandfather using some of the Mishima Zaibatsu’s experiments and also to retrieve Eddy Gordo himself from the tournament.

Pros

DAT BUM. Christie is easily the hottest chick in the Tekken series. She’s also Brazilian (DAT BUM becomes DAT POPOZAO) which means nothing is off limits as Brazilian people are all freaks that are willing to do the nastiest of things. She’s got a giant ass and she is flexible.

Cons

Obsession with Eddy Gordo. Clearly Capoeira isn’t the only thing he taught her. He probably fucked the living bejesus out of her… and since Brazilian chicks are freaky this means he probably did some weirdo shit like farted in her mouth or something. Eddy is a scummy looking guy and I wouldn’t put the nastiest, most disgusting of shit past him. She’s damaged goods.

Miharu Hirano

Miharu started off as a swap of Xiaoyu and is her best friend in school. Like Xiaoyu she is retarded and likes amusement parks. That’s pretty much it.

Pros

She’s as stupid and easily manipulated as Xiaoyu with none of the Jin Kazama obsession or Panda bodyguarding.

Cons

Aside from possibly being mentally retarded there aren’t many. I’m relatively sure her design and existence is there for somebody to beat off to as she’s basically in a bikini top by Tekken Tag Tournament 2. I guess the fact she’s devoid of a personality much like Street Fighter’s Makoto is a problem but at least she doesn’t look like a mutated baby in a gi.

I really fucking hate Makoto from Street Fighter. That has no relation to anything; I just felt like saying it.

Asuka Kazama

Hotter sexier version Jun Kazama, she’s a cousin of Jin’s and likes to fight, usually multiple men at once. She’s loud, brash and arrogant. Oddly enough there’s sexual tension between her and cousin Jin which is somewhat disturbing. Still she’s quickly become popular among gamers because horny nerds love a hot-headed woman.

Pros

She just looks like a good fucker.

Cons

Oh, it's not incest - motorboating is how Kazamas greet each other!

She’s potentially into incest as almost any scene involving her and Jin Kazama includes some kind of sexual tension. Kazama is really into breaking up gang violence which may psychologically mean that she has some sort of underlying fetish for triple penetration.

Translation: She might get gangfucked by all your friends.

Lili

She is the anti-Asuka. Lili is Asuka’s rival and is also somewhat hot-headed, arrogant and obsessed with battle. She tries to hide it under frilly dresses, blonde hair and A LOT of money. She’s trying to save the family business which the Mishima family has caused problems for. She’s very haughty, thinks money solves everything, has her own man-servant, boat, limo, and is so self-absorbed that I am pretty sure she masturbates a lot.

Pros

This girl has a lot of money. I mean a lot of it. And she looks like she’s obsessed with cleanliness which means you don’t have to worry about a rotten snatch.

Cons

Lili is insanely arrogant to the point she probably expects you to thank her profusely for the sex afterward. Sebastian, her butler is almost always by her side and he’s probably going to be in the room watching you have sex as the result of that. Also Lili is creepy because she looks and dresses like Jon-Benet Ramsey so even though it will be Sebastian watching you have sex it’ll feel like Chris Hansen is waiting to take you away at all times.

Actually you PROBABLY WILL get taken away because Lili is only 17 as of the newest Tekken games and the only current non-adult. Please consult your local age of consent laws.

Alisa Bosconovitch

Alisa Bosconovitch is the newest female in the Tekken series, and a female robot made to resemble a teenage girl. Dr. Bosconovitch went total Pinocchio when he created her and just like most of his creations she is a weapon. However she’s much more aesthetically pleasing than the Jack Robots. She has the personality of a cheerful happy girl as well. She’s happy, she’s bubbly but she’s also fucking deadly.

Pros

She can be deactivated. Just imagine a woman with an OFF switch. Sure Alisa might insist that she is human but at the end of the day there’s nothing a magnet can’t cure. Hell you can probably erase her memory with one. She probably has a lot of stamina since she doesn’t require food, water, or sleep. She’s essentially a Terminator that you can fuck.

Cons

When Forest Law asked for head for Valentine's Day this wasn't what he meant.

Fucking a walking weapon of mass destruction has its setbacks. First of all, Alisa’s head is removable and can turn a full 360 degrees. Just imagine a girl who can stare creepily at you WHILE you fuck her doggy style. If that’s not disturbing there’s also the fact that she has chainsaw arms and metal wings with propulsion jets.

If she gets excited you never know WHAT she might cut off accidentally as she doesn’t seem to be a master of self-control very often. The flames from the wings will probably set you or your bed on fire. Add to this her vagina is made of cold steel and may freeze your cock off immediately… unless her systems get overheated in which your cock will be like a sausage in a frying pan on a stove at full power. Either way you’re going to lose a limb for sure if you attempt to bang this robot. And besides, just because she has emotions doesn’t mean she’s capable of orgasms, does it? Her “father” CREATED her and I know if I created a daughter I would either make her incapable of that shit, or make it where any guy who tried was going to have a rotten fucking time likely resulting in his death.

Zafina

A new character for Tekken 6 that doesn’t seem to have much thought put into her. She hates evil, she’s trying to prevent some prophecy about Jin and Kazuya causing the world to be destroyed, seems to know about the stupid evil Crystal Chicken boss in Tekken 6 and everything about her is pretty much unknown as far as a backstory which is developer speak for “we were stumped on how to many anyone give a shit about her.”

Pros

She has tits, an ass and a vagina.

Cons

…she’s so goddamn boring. She’s so boring I didn’t even want to Google for more than one photo of her for this article.

Leo Kliesen

…what? No. No. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently Leo was revealed to be a female that is hiding his… her… its identity. She… umm… err… this is some Boys Don’t Cry shit and is highly uncomfortable.

Pros

Ummm… THAT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE A GIRL.WHAT THE FUCK? THERE ARE NO PROS UNLESS YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING GENDER CONFUSED.

Cons

THAT’S A BOY GODDAMNIT! 0/10 WOULD NOT FUCK.

So that wraps up.. no. It doesn’t. A NEW CHALLENGER HAS ARRIVED.

Bob

I really DID NOT want to put Bob on this list but @ThePurpleLego insisted. The argument was made so… -sigh- here we go. Besides if we can count Leo as a fucking chick then we might as well fucking count Bob as one, too because Bob has the biggest tits of anyone in the Tekken series. Bob is all about SPEED… and WEIGHT and smiting evildoers. Bob is really fat. Bob has no neck.

Pros

…I’m going to be honest with you. I am at a loss and highly disgusted however legally since Poison counts as female because she has tits despite having a dick technically this makes Bob a “she” by that logic. Plus apparently a penis doesn’t count as still existing if you haven’t seen it in years.

Cons

Under the fat folds that look like a mangina is a penis. I’d like to think nobody on earth could reach the level of desperation where they go gay and “sucking knob for Bob.” Oh, if that’s not enough to make you sick to your stomach, Bob hentai DOES exist and I’m not sure what’s worse:

Bob Hentai

...or Ganryu Hentai.

I’m going to call this article a wrap and go gouge my fucking eyes out now. Thanks, Bob.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com