So it’s Black History Month, and you know that here at JasonRivera.com we “go there.” Last year I reviewed Can’t Be Roots – An XXX Parody, because nothing says “respecting black history” like Blaxploitation pornography especially one the NAACP openly tried to prevent saying it was racially insensitive. I don’t see how black slaves getting to fuck their white masters’ big-assed daughters could be considered insensitive to black people. Personally, that’s pretty fucking awesome because they’re not even slaves at that point; they’re paid in pussy.
Anyway, I decided this year I would find something else to review that might be awesome to some but racially insensitive to others. I decided to delve into the greatest African American Sitcom Family of the 1980s, one of my all-time favorite comedians, and one of the most educated men in this country Bill Cosby and his hit series the Cosby Show.
Now this isn’t the first time Bill Cosby has clashed with me on this site; I reviewed the god-awful Leonard Part 6 and somehow did so without typing a single curse word, without stroking my own ego, or randomly peppering the article with attractive half-naked women. I assure you that reviewing Leonard Part 6 was no easy task. However, do I really want to tangle with Bill Cosby a second time? He’s a bad motherfucker. I think I’m going to go with something more extreme – something that lowers the tone of the 1980s classic series. Something that involves… WOOD.
Ahh yes, the Cosby Show XXX Parody. Is anything sacred anymore?
The answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT. If you had asked me in 1997 when I started writing articles on the Internet if I ever expected to be recapping a pornographic movie where a grown man was emulating The Cos himself Bill Cosby in sexual acts I’d have probably punched you in the throat and moved on with my day. Yet here I am and here is a man with the most awesome fake Cosbfro ever. I want that hair.
…I am going to hell when I die. Rather than recap the opening segment which is an amazing parody of the dancing intros to the Cosby Show I managed to find it on YouTube seeing as it shows no pornography and therefore doesn’t violate the YouTube TOS.
I am actually highly disturbed by how accurate this looks the Cosby Show cast.
Holy fuck even the set looks eerily accurate to the original Cosby Show. These porn people spared no expense to capture the feel of The Cosbys. I hope there is a laugh track.
We immediately start the show off with something that was common on the show: Denise and Clair argue about colleges. I’m pretty sure this happened like every other episode in the real Cosby Show. Denise wants to go to college in Hawaii. Clair and Cliff don’t agree. As Cliff Huxtable walks down the stairs the laugh track begins.
…I can’t help but laugh too because his purple outfit makes him look like someone shoved him up Grimace from McDonalds’ ass – that and the fact he has that same bewildered Bill Cosby DAWWWWW look.
He immediately tells Clair to make the decision to TAKE THE CAKE out of THE OVEN before it COMMITS SUICIDE by BURNING ITSELF TO DEATH. Holy shit this guy’s Bill Cosby is fucking spot on. I don’t even care that there’s a pornographic video behind it at this point I just want this crude remake of the Cosby Show to continue. In fact I hope the XXX version has as many episodes as the actual show did just because this guy is so fucking awesome. Clair goes to work on the cake while Denise wants to talk to her Dad who is on his way to deliver a baby. She say it will only take a minute and he replies she does not understand the BASICS of CHILDBIRTH. I like how this guy emphasizes every other word exactly like Bill Cosby does.
I also have a bad feeling he’s going to fuck his own daughter. Incest on the Cosby Show? It’s The Cosbys meet a Game of Thrones on this shit. Denise asks Cliff to talk to her later tonight. Denise wants advice about her boyfriend Malique.
Jesus, Malique who regularly listens to Asked every week JUST turned 18 and he’s already bangin’ beaver in the Cosby XXX? That guy works fast! Meanwhile she says she need a man’s advice and he almost makes her talk to Theo. He says she’s not ready to clean the kitchen sink let alone have sex with a man. He keeps randomly doing the Bill Cosby head-shake too. I think that if Bill Cosby ever dies this guy should spend the rest of his life being Bill Cosby and we probably wouldn’t know the difference. Sondra walks through the door talking about her troubled marriage which also used to happen like every other real episode of the Cosby Show.
Sondra meanwhile tells Denise to never put out ever because if she doesn’t remain a virgin until she is married the Huxtable parents will KILL her. I think this is going to turn into a snuff film. MODERATE WOOD. Sondra is upset that Denise’s boyfriend is pressuring a naïve girl like her so Denise responds by saying she masturbates every day.
I think this is heading to Sistercest. Sondra begins talking to Denise about sex because Denise says sex sounds like fun. Sondra wants to make sure Denise loves Malique first. Denise talks about how Malique gave her a lecture on blue balls and basically said his junk is going to explode if he doesn’t get her pussy. This is fucking great.
Theo rushes down and I immediately think on the actual Bill Cosby’s stand-up routine about “brain damage.” That being said, this fellow is an AWESOME Theo. The phone rings and Theo gets it. It’s Malique calling for Denise. He wants to come to Denise’s friend Melanie’s slumber party tonight. He has been invited by Melanie. Theo immediately gets turned on and has visions of crashing this thing.
Obligatory shot of the outside of the Huxtable residence. This is really accurate. Denise goes upstairs to her room, presumably to masturbate.
It makes me wonder when did the Cosby Kids have the time to do stuff like fap in the show? How did they get privacy with so many of them in the house? What did “the talk” sound like when Bill Cosby talked to them about the birds and the bees? This is all very interesting.
Meanwhile Denise is working both her holes. It’s difficult to be even remotely turned on by Cosby XXX because your mind immediately gravitates to Bill which is like one massive cockblock.
There’s something ridiculously funny about the two youngest Huxtable daughters being played by grown-ass women.
Rudy immediately sings “I KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!” Oh lord. It’s getting weird…
Honestly if you can fucking look at Porno Bill Cosby and not immediately laugh your ass off you’re either ridiculously young and have no idea who Bill Cosby is (by the way please hit the back button, leave this website and never, ever return), or you have no fucking soul. Cliff tells Rudy babies come from the Sears Catalog. Rudy wants Denise to have babies and Denise and her Princess Leia hair tell her that’s not happening any time soon.
I give her ridiculous hair 10/10 XXX Bill Cosbys.
I think I should rank EVERYTHING I review on a scale of 1-10 XXX Bill Cosbys now. Rudy says she doesn’t want to work to get to the top. She wants to just marry a rich man so she doesn’t have to make anything of herself. Seems legit.
Why is Denise probably the only black chick at this slumber party? This slumber party looks like they’re secretly going to sell Denise into slavery which only just today was FINALLY abolished in the entire country because Mississippi forgot to do so.
Hello random hot pornographic Asian girl.
Hello Tori Black in the middle of a White People Sandwich. Denise thought it was supposed to be girls only but Melanie thought that was boring. Melanie and Tori Black begin to get it on right in front of everyone while Denise tells Malique he is trying to pressure her. Malique tells her not to be a prude and he has a point – this *IS* a porno. Denise storms off so Melina decides she wants get her interracial on.
Malique is about to fuck a white bitch. Here is a song about it.
This degenerates into one colossal orgy. Remind me if I ever have children that they are not allowed to have slumber parties. EVER.
Also… when did they start letting dudes with retardation do pornography? Fuck my life.
I really like the fact the chick playing Melanie looks like a blonde version of the chick that plays April Kepner on Grey’s Anatomy. That makes me enjoy this scene a lot more despite the random retard walking around fucking multiple hot chicks. SEATTLE GRACE WOOD.
After the long weird orgy we go back to The X-Cos making fun of Theo for being retarded (which happened in many episodes of the actual Cosby Show). In fact you would think that Cliff Huxtable intentionally went out of his way to ensure Theo was a moron for his own amusement since it’s the closest one could get to being able to own their own personal court jester.
And X-Cos is MY personal court jester. I want him to call into Asked as Bill Cosby. Every week. Forever. The X-Cos is asking Denise to explain why she’s mad at Malique if she was at a slumber party with a bunch of girls. Denise explains what happens and the Huxtables are proud their daughter didn’t hoe it up and has spent all her time masturbating instead.
Denise also takes this time to mock Theo for being a retard and rubbing it in his face that he wasn’t at the massive fuckfest that was Melanie’s party.
Oh no. Rudy porn is just awkward and uncomfortable.
The fact that she’s highly likely to get it on with Cockroach makes it even MORE uncomfortable. Theo convinces Cockroach that instead of going to the Knicks game he has another plan. Cockroach is too busy looking at Vanessa which is a slight step up from Rudy but still somewhat creepy.
That fucking hair and smile. I give it ANOTHER 10/10 XXX Cosbys.
Rudy takes Vanessa away and Cockroach has an erection. Theo’s response is to look at his sisters with a look of sheer stupid.
That’s accurate even if this guy looks nothing like Malcom-Jamal Warner. Theo and Cockroach plan to find Melanie’s fuckfest slumber party. Theo tries to give their Knicks tickets to Dr. Huxtable.
It is impossible to look at this man without laughing as he refers to the Knicks by their full name of the “New York Knickerbockers.” You know you’re fucking ancient when you refer to them by the full name. Cliff Huxtable is bought off as Theo and Cockroach decide to enter the fuckfest which is STILL GOING ON.
Theo and Cockroach are relieved that there is now a 1 guy to 1 woman ratio and it’s not a complete sausagefest.
Tori Black forces them to get naked but they’re afraid to take their clothing off and more concerned with the fact Malique is here and fucked Melanie. Melanie wants Theo to stay so he can tell Denise she’s missing out on the fun. Tori Black offers to do these guys but Theo doesn’t know what that means. I literally want to pimp slap Theo for being BRAIN DAMAGED. Everyone randomly leaves to go skinny dipping and finally Tori Black teaches Theo how to fuck.
Here is Theo eating Tori Black's ass. Just because.
What I find the most awesome about this is Cliff Huxtable NEVER has sex, even when we have scenes which almost seem like a natural fit for it. In this way the XXX Cosby Show somehow preserves a level of integrity, even nobility. Even the pornographic industry respects The Cos.
…is Clair jacking him off under the covers while he makes “DAW!” face? Never mind. Forget everything I just said.
Pretty sure that there is no God now. Thank you pornographic industry.
Theo is asked how his night went and immediately raises his hands in the air. I see he’s learned “what to do if a white cop corners you.” Huxtable again realizes his son is damn near retarded. Theo says that he and Cockroach were at the mall. Cliff says “UNTIL MIDNIGHT?” and we also find out Tori Black called and said she had a great time at Melanie’s slumber party last night. Shit is about to get real. It’s a good thing Denise didn’t hear any of that. Also he has to explain why Cockroach claimed he was Theo’s investment broker. This leads Huxtable to tell us how he used to tell girls he was a baseball player for the Philadelphia Phillies and it’s how he married Clair.
Another Cosby facial expression. These are fucking priceless. Denise is taken to check out the college with Cliff and Clair. They are in the same dorm room Clair used to have in college and she insists all that happened in this room is studying and sleeping. Cliff moves slightly to his left claiming “I don’t want to get hit by the lightning.” He then explains that Clair used to fuck a guy he hated from England named Boom Boom Henderson.
I believe Henderson changed his last name to Hendrix and now goes by the name @AH_Walker on Twitter. Denise wants to know why he was called Boom Boom and Huxtable explains that his IQ was so low it kept hitting the floor. This guy is a master of Cosbyism. He is my hero and should be a national treasure. Clair says that isn’t true and Boom Boom is an inventor now so Cliff says “maybe he should invent a higher IQ.” Cliff leaves the two ladies alone to talk about Boom Boom. Clair explains the story of Boom Boom Hendrix which flashes us back to when she was young.
CLAIR HUXTABLE PORN IMMINENT.
Oh nevermind, Boom Boom is a white guy. Sorry AH Walker. It’s not your day to get laid by Bill Cosby’s TV wife.
Clair Huxtable sex scene. INTELLECTUAL WOOD. Then I remember that this is Clair Huxtable which was originally played by Phylicia Rashad and then I remember what she looked like the last time I saw her when I reviewed For Colored Girls.
HOLY FUCK. FLACCID. Meanwhile back at the Huxtable Home, the parents are gone, Theo is nowhere to be found and Vanessa is alone with Cockroach. Well we knew THIS was coming. Cockroach makes Vanessa bring out a bottle so they can play Spin the Bottle. Cockroach talks Vanessa into taking her clothing off.
You have to admit that ridiculous hair makes this WAY funnier than it should be and not even remotely sexually gratifying. It’s downright hilarious.
Denise meanwhile is upstairs complaining about being a virgin some more. She basically goes into desperation mode which is hilarious because…
…HOLY FUCK THAT GUY IS A MASSIVE FUCKING DWEEB. This is every article about love & relationships Johnny Landin and I have ever written rolled into one. This is a woman settling. This guy is a massive douche. Considering that the setting is in the 1980s I’m going to suspend disbelief and say that XXX Denise Huxtable is the first woman to EVER settle for a loser EVER and the trend has snowballed gaining in size ever since. This is every guy that women pass up normal men for. This motherfucker looks like he collects stamps.
This motherfucker looks like he rips the brown part of his sandwich bread off all the edges.
This motherfucker looks like he’s in bed before 9 PM.
This motherfucker looks like his hobbies include FINDING WALDO six times a day.
Anyway he gets to fuck Denise in the saddest tale of lost virginity of all-time. I feel like her losing her virginity to Pee-Wee Herman’s stunt double is somehow the weakest finish to the pornographic scenes in this movie. You’d think she’d lose it in an orgy or some kind of crazy college angle but instead she loses it to a a guy who probably alphabetizes his meals before eating them. As soon as he nuts on her the whole family is back and Denise has to find a way to escape…
…and needs Theo’s help of all people. She’s doomed. I hope she gets caught with her weenie boyfriend and ragged on by 10000 assorted Bill Cosby jokes.
The X-Cos even finds a beer left behind that weenie tried to drink and stares at it with the dumbfounded Bill Cosby look. It’s still funny. It never stops being funny. Denise fesses up that Patrick is her tutor, not some dweeb she randomly begged to have sex with her.
However she is caught in a lie when Rudy asks if Patrick needs his underwear back and as the laugh track plays our story ends with Denise losing her virginity to a tumbling, tumbling dickweed. And so we come to a close with the greatest pornographic black movie I’ve ever seen. That was great, I can only hope one day they make a…
…NEVER MIND! It LOOKS like my WORK isn’t quite DONE HERE.