WWE NXT - 2-20-2013
Riv , 2013/02/21 17:29

I am not really all that excited to recap NXT because my week has already been made amazing by reviewing Cosby Show Porn and having TJ Marconi join Landin, Glenn, Mecca and I on a special Asked where we talked about all sorts of truly fucked up and awesome things. If you don’t click on both of those things and follow them to their conclusion I hate you and I hope you burn in Hell.

Just a reminder how the WWE Signature ends… with FOREVER which is how long Monday Night RAW feels now that it is 3 hours. Additionally, I am still not recapping that shit until Wrestlemania is over because it’s 75% less painful if I don’t recap it. However you can always help speed up the process if I get a new capture card, and one conveniently is located on my Amazon Wishlist. I am currently trying to win the competition against my Asked co-hosts for dominance. So help me win. Buy me the capture card (Avertv Hybrid Volar Max TV Tuner Kit for Windows MTVHVMXSK) and I’ll start recapping RAW again early. I get something, you get something, and everybody is happy.

Last week Adrian Neville and Oliver Grey became the first ever NXT Tag Team Champions in the final round of the tournament to crown the first ever champions against the Wyatt Family.

Here are some really nerdy looking fans who are happy about it who look like they should star in a direct-to-video bootleg version of Superbad. In all seriousness though Neville and Grey make good champions and it was a great match. It’s time to cue the NXT intro.

Also cue the worst human being on the planet. Really? You came to see Alex Riley? Why? Does he owe you money?

Speaking of suck, here’s Yoshi Tatsu. He really sucks. He’s out here for singles action which means he’s not dragging Percy Watson to hell with him, surprisingly. Since Yoshi Tatsu is considered a full-fledged WWE Superstar he’s probably out here on job duty so the commentators can make a big deal that whichever NXT talent kills him holds a win over a member of the main roster. The problem with that is I can’t remember the last time Yoshi Tatsu won anything or was even in a match on main roster TV. Beating Yoshi Tatsu is not an accomplishment. I’ve defeated Yoshi Tatsu four times since this article started, in fact.

Yep, Yoshi Tatsu is about to die and I am completely OK with it. It looks like Bray Wyatt is 100% again. Bray no-sells all of Yoshi Tatsu’s offense in the early going and then hits the David Otunga Verdict on him with no effort. Yoshi Tatsu is now dead. Bray runs Yoshi Tatsu over in the corner. Bray Wyatt kisses Yoshi Tatsu’s head and drops him with the swinging reverse STO, killing him. I’d like to think we will never see Yoshi Tatsu again. After the match he demands Harper and Rowan to get in the ring. Usually Harper is giving nut sundaes but I think he is about to receive one for his failure. Bray Wyatt makes his flunkies watch the British Guys defeat them to win the NXT Tag Titles. Bray explains that Harper failed him and tells Rowan that it’s Harper’s fault. He tells Rowan to hit Harper and Rowan gives Harper a half-assed slap. Bray convinces Harper to hit Rowan. He then makes them beat the shit out of each other for a while for his amusement before breaking it up. He then asks Rowan how he likes that taste in his mouth. Maybe this is about semen and nut sundaes after all.

Oh c’mon, you know you thought it too.

OH NO. NOT THIS ANGLE, AGAIN! For some reason Sasha Banks’ smile annoys me. She looks like a cartoon. I believe it was Johnny Landin who keeps linking photos of Lilo & Stitch.

She looks like if they grew up and Lilo got impregnated by Stitch and this was the child.

This is a waste of Renee Young. She’s more interesting when her and Big E. Langston are flirting all day on Twitter than trying to find out who it is that wants to bang Sasha Banks so badly. “I can’t wait for you to see the desire in my eyes, here comes the big surprise.”

A FULL FLEDGED AUDREY MARIE HEEL TURN. BUHGAWD, KING! JOHNNY LANDIN JUST JIZZED HIS PANTS! TWICE!!! Audrey explains she’s been out injured and THIS is what they replaced her with? She tells Sasha to get OUT of NXT and then laughs at her. I’d like to think in my warped kind of fucked up brain that what really happened here is that Johnny Landin has been continually ignored by Sasha Banks on Facebook, and that Audrey Marie didn’t like that.

I honestly forgot and didn’t even care that this is our current NXT title feud. Apparently it’s non-title meaning that O’Brian will have to defeat Langston to earn the opportunity to fight for the title. Either Graves is going to cause a double DQ or Conor is going to win. Not sure which yet.

IS THAT THE REAL SIN CARA? Nope, it’s El Local. This fellow looks strangely familiar… I feel like I know this guy. I feel like he’s actually on all the time. Nope… must be a case of… umm… mistaken identity.

It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Xavier Woods on NXT but this match can go either way seeing as its El Local’s first NXT televised appearance. I almost feel like Woods belongs in that Cosby Porn Parody I reviewed earlier in the week.

Why does Woods look like a Ninja Turtle on one half of his Titantron and like a disgruntled black shoe salesman on the other? Woods seems to be in control with some arm-drags and a sweep kick in the early goings. Local turns things around with a double stomp on Woods’ head in the corner. Local now with a body slam and legdrop and a cover. Snapmare and a running enzuigiri while Tony Dawson calls Local fat and Regal calls him ugly and the commentators try to play it off like they have no idea who El Local really is. Eventually Woods puts El Local away with a Tornado DDT for the win. We get a condition update on Paige’s shoulder injury to try to play it up like Summer Rae put her out longer than is necessary. We’re reminded of the non-title challenge match.

First we’re getting Sasha Banks vs. Audrey Marie. MODERATE WOOD.

I would.

Audrey looks too happy and face-Diva-esque on the way to the ring for someone who JUST turned heel.

Also I think the crowd is more likely to want to bang Audrey because she doesn’t look like a Disney Cartoon about a little girl and an alien.

Sasha is easier to look at with her mouth closed.

Still… Sasha is so skinny she makes AJ Lee look like she has an obesity problem. Tony Dawson confirms that Audrey Marie is in fact the secret admirer and the ambush wasn’t just a random angry Audrey attack. Unlike all the other Divas not named Paige, Audrey has improved to the point she’s a believable Diva. Her clubbing heel shots to the back need a little work, though. Something is missing in this match. Oh wait, I know.

That’s better. Audrey wins this with a facebuster by the way and all is right with the world. HOUSTON WOOD.

HOLY SHIT WHO IS THE DRAG QUEEN? Oh wait, it’s just Summer Rae. Yuck.

DISGUSTING. 0/10 would not hit. Between her horrible promos and her deformed head and giant nose, I feel myself go FLACCID. Thanks for ruining my Audrey Marie Erection you horrible… creature.

Oh man. This is sadder than watching Old Yeller die to watch Tyson Kidd walk around like that. Tony Dawson interviews Tyson about tearing every ligament in his knee and having to go through surgery. Tyson says he’ll promises he’ll be back in this ring and then is asked about CM Punk’s comments about being an underappreciated workhorse in the WWE. Tyson Kidd says love or hate Punk he has been the longest reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years and he is flattered that Punk talked about Kidd being a workhorse. He says that it’s not a catchphrase but it’s a way of life for him to be the absolute best he can be. He is interrupted by Leo Kruger.

Kruger immediately says” I AM GOING TO END YOUR CAREER. :-)” I can’t help but laugh because interrupting an injured man and claiming you’re about to kill him is kind of a dick move. Kruger is turned on about Tyson reminding him of wounded animals and walks to the ring sounding like some sort of retarded action movie villain. Kruger kicks Tyson’s legs out from under him and goes for a crutch which allows Tyson Kidd’s tag partner, Justin Gabriel to make a save and set up a feud between the two South African stars, Kruger and Gabriel.

Decent interview, regardless. Up next is Big E. Langston vs. Conor O’Brian. The official tries to break it up and disqualifies both men when they both shove him down. Well… that was a waste. Some people in the crowd boo, the rest had their momentum and interest killed by this. After the match Corey Graves blindsides Langston and steals the NXT Championship Belt as Big E Langston chases him. This was a bit of a lackluster finish to an otherwise decent episode of NXT. Let's see how next week turns out.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com