Smackdown is Riv - 2-22-2013
Riv , 2013/02/22 17:38

Meh – Smackdown. Not even feeling this today.

Alberto Del Rio is here, after retaining successfully against the Big Show at Elimination Chamber – why? NOBODY wanted to see another Big Show title reign, ever. Del Rio is out here to talk about Wrestlemania. Del Rio talks about Jack Swagger’s new friend and new attitude, his new mission and how he feels that he is everything right about America. Yeah, about that…

…of course Smackdown was taped before Swagger’s push went “up in smoke.” Del Rio says the country was BUILT by immigrants trying to provide their families with a better life. He says Jack Swagger is nothing but a real jackass. Randy Orton comes out here and interrupts. Randy Orton wants Del Rio to step aside for just tonight because Orton wants a match with Swagger tonight to handle some personal business of his own for losing at the elimination chamber. Booker T comes out and says he had plans. That plan involves putting ADR in a non-title match with the Intercontinental Champion, Wade Barrett. Booker says Swagger will in fact have to go one on one with Randy Orton tonight as well. After that we get Sandow vs. Sheamus which I can’t say I care about much because it’s happened already a few times and because it usually ends in Sheamus winning.

Sandow says that we will bear witness to the destruction of the false idol that is Sheamus – a man whose only purpose has been dragging the people further into the bowels of their own ignorance. Sandow wants to end Sheamus’ reign of terror. …which is why he’s probably going to lose, unfortunately. Sheamus wins after a long match. I can’t say I care all that much. It… happened. Whatever. We’re then reminded Wrestlemania 30 will be in New Orleans.

Winner of this match probably gets a giant trashbag full of Pineapple Express.

Even the Intercontinental Title hasn’t fixed the damage that the Corre did to Wade Barrett’s career. After this we get a Shield promo video and finally for the first time in weeks on Smackdown or RAW a Divas match.

By the AND THEIR OPPONENTS the ring announcer just said somebody got the jobber entrance here. Kaitlyn and Layla make their way to the ring while Josh Mathews says we missed out on a backstage segment by not having the WWE Active Ap.

Sorry Josh, not even Kaitlyn’s bosom is going to convince me to download that fucking ap.

Cody Rhodes potentially in a romance angle with her even less so. Is this really where WWE is going with Cody Rhodes? We broke up Rhodes Scholars for this? We broke them up so we can push the fact Kaitlyn likes mustaches and Cody Rhodes has one? You people are on crack-cocaine. I don’t think Jack Swagger is the only one with a drug problem.

The opposing team are Aksana and Tamina. Aksana reminds me of European anal pornography and Tamina reminds me of my mother’s transsexual friend Amber.

Layla begins to dance and shake her ass which gives every male in attendance a boner. 5/5 best women’s match of the year solely based on that. I don’t get happy erections often enough in life because I am sitting here recapping Smackdown for you people.

Aksana then shows us how she keeps HER job before Layla kicks her in the ass to start the fighting. Layla then hits Aksana in the face with her ass before tagging Kaitlyn in. Can you believe there was a time where Kaitlyn vs. Aksana would be considered worse than AIDS? It was NXT Season 3 – Kaitlyn has improved dramatically since her debut and Aksana… …well I’m sure Aksana is a nice person. Kaitlyn finds herself on the outside due to cheating tactics by Tamina. Aksana drops Kaitlyn with a sidewalk slam and whips Kaitlyn into the corner where Aksana does her “slut crawl” before slapping Kaitlyn in the face in the corner. Aksana now works on Kaitlyn in the corner. I am somewhat surprised Tamina has not been tagged. Aksana pulls out that Headfucker move that Madison Rayne in TNA does only Aksana does it much more clumsily. Again Aksana contines her offense on Kaitlyn without making the tag. Finally she misses a splash and Kaitlyn is able to tag in Layla against Tamina. Layla now takes Tamina down with a few clotheslines and kicks. I’m surprised Tamina is being booked so weak. Layla hits a cross body which she calls “LOL.” That’s hideous. Tamina catches Layla but Layla blind tags Kailtyn who spears Tamina and gets the win. Layla grabs the belt and forgets she’s not Divas champion.

This leads to a lot of apologizing, awkward glances and an eventual Layla heel turn I am sure. A RAW Rebound shows us the unveiling of the new WWE Championship before we find ourselves backstage.

Wade Barrett has a confrontation with Jack Swagger and says he agrees with Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter and he plans to dish out punishment to Alberto Del Rio who Barrett agrees is what is wrong with the United States. Zeb says that since Wade Barrett doesn’t talk like him and is not from here they have a misunderstanding. Zeb tells Wade Barrett he is part of the problem because he is here taking a job from an American. Zeb says he hopes Barrett and Del Rio beat each other up and both go back to where they came from.

Barrett stares puzzled as to what point Jack Swagger got promoted higher up the card than Wade did. Orton vs. Swagger is up next with Orton on job duty as to make Swagger look important. After Swagger wins we get ANOTHER RAW Rebound and a Miz vs. Cody Rhodes match which already happened last week, and some time before that, so in keeping with my no repeat policy, I’m not recapping this other than the part where Cody Rhodes complained about being bullied over his mustache.

He says people have no lives to obsess over his decision to grow a mustache. He also calls it a lovestache. Miz wins with the Figure 4 because we have to pretend that the Miz is good at it, which he’s not. I can’t say I care. Up next is our main event of Wade Barrett vs. Alberto Del Rio – a match we haven’t really gotten before so I am glad it’s going on, even if Wade Barrett is in limbo and has the Intercontinental Title in limbo with him. Decent match while Swagger and Zeb watch from the ramp. Del Rio makes Barrett tap out to the cross armbreaker while Swagger looks on. Smackdown comes to a close and about 1/3rd of it was RAW Recap. The glory days of Smackdown are over.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com