For Black History Month this year I found myself doing a review/recap of the somewhat legendary Not The Cosby Show XXX and that’s because nothing screams Black History like Bill Cosby, or rather a Bill Cosby impersonator rather reasonably attractive black chicks pretending to be his daughters take a lot of dick. The pornographic film was absolutely brilliant to the point I didn’t even care about anything pornographic or sexual in it due to the performance of the Bill Cosby Impersonator in it and his delivery of Bill Cosby-style humor and jokes. I was actually overjoyed to find out there was a sequel made and I figure with only 3 days left in Black History Month I should get on that right now.
…plus I am sexually frustrated and need to see some tits and ass.
Anyway, prepare yourself, unzip your pants, grab some popcorn and a bottle of lotion and get ready for Not The Cosbys XXX 2.
The ridiculous music and dancing, as well as the Cosby head-shake make this intro epic and I am glad it was not changed despite the fact there are about 75 variations of the Cosby Show intro out there, even though this one most resembles the Cosby Show Season 2.
I think I prefer the pornographic version.
What a perfect African-American family. It’s hard to believe every girl in this photo takes dick for money. Denise is in college after losing her virginity to the biggest dickweed in pornographic history at the end of the previous “episode” of Not the Cosby Show XXX. Rudy really misses Denise.
I have pornography to thank for the fact that whenever I see a fully grown woman dressed in really bright “cutesy” pajamas that I assume they’re about to be penetrated balls deep. Seriously, bright loud pajamas on a grown woman are akin to lingerie. You can always assume if you see a woman in those type of pajamas that a blow job is certainly to follow.
Sondra says that it “sounds like Denise is enjoying herself” and Cliff says “what’s not to enjoy about college when everything is paid for and you spend all day thinking about boys?” All of a sudden Vanessa and Rudy want to go to college. I must remind myself they are in fact legal for the purposes of this pornographic film. I’d be highly disturbed and want to vomit if the REAL Vanessa and Rudy had ever been this way on the REAL Cosby Show circa Season 2.
Claire is not amused about the fact that all of her daughters are growing up to be the kind of hoes that VH1PNUT would insult all day on Twitter:
Bill Cosby’s worst nightmare. If he had read these he’d have kept his daughters in a dungeon until they turned 18 with no ability to socialize with anyone with a cock.
Seriously if you want to prevent your daughters from doing anything with a guy in this age where a lot of girls are up to no good, you either better be an A+++ parent, or lock her in Goro’s Lair from Mortal Kombat with nothing Internet related in there as well. …and you still have to worry about her fucking the skeletons.
There’s just something about Bill Cosby throwing his hands in the air that’s hilarious. Clair insists that college is hard work and Cliff knows that she’s lying. Cliff then demands that all his children go to college and get an education…
…even Theo who is baffled by the concept of a Rubix Cube, or a haircut that doesn’t make him look like a black version of Toad from Super Mario Bros. Theo, like most young black male youths sees an education as punishment and tells his mother he wants to skip college and start his own business. …with money he borrows from his Dad. They tell him he needs to be responsible and nobody in the house believes he can be because he is dumb as bricks. Cliff says that Theo should intern with him at the medical clinic. I’m sure this breaks all sorts of rules and regulations and will probably set Dr. Huxtable up for several lawsuits as well.
Huxtable remembers he is a gynecologist and immediately regrets the decision to allow Theo anywhere near vaginas. Theo’s first instinct is to go tell Cockroach.
Later that day Sondra reveals that Alvin decided to be a cunt and cheat on her with his ex-girlfriend.
More importantly Theo gets a job interview that he has to go through and becomes the Happiest Black Man to ever Work. He assumes it is from Dad’s clinic but they want him to go to 8th Ave in Times Square where all the porn shops are.
It looks like Theo’s penis is going to nail Tori Black again. Theo doesn’t remember nailing her in the previous episode. She hooked him up with a job application. He is hesitant but Tori Black says that he should be grateful and in two days he could be hired and on the register.
If that’s not incentive enough the man who owns the porn shop has mafia connections and Tori Black informs Theo he will end up dead at the bottom of a river if he doesn’t. Porn Shops are serious business. She also adds that if Theo plays his cards right she’ll let him hit it again. No man in the real world is going to have this kind of vaginal opportunity where they can work in both a pornographic shop AND as an assistant to a gynecologist. That much vagina in one man’s life should not be legal – mainly because I am bitter and jaded and jealous. She also takes this moment to ask how Denise is doing in college and Theo says she’s really busy studying…
…what is she going to get in college? A master’s degree in creepy white men in Members Only jackets? Theo calls Denise right before her sexy time panicking about prostitutes and times square and the mafia and Dad’s office and Denise says she’ll be home this weekend and they will figure out what to do so that Theo doesn’t get murked.
Meanwhile a man with the fashion sense and balding hair of Al Bundy gets to eat her vagina. Denise’s lack of taste in men is pretty awful. Oh well at least it’s not that skinny AIDS-looking dweeb she fucked at the end of the first film.
…AND I BET YOU THOUGHT OBAMACARE WAS A GOOD IDEA. Cliff explains that an examination table is not for Theo to ride like a bull. Huxtable slaps Theo’s hands because the examination tools are also not toys because they go inside a woman’s vagina. Cliff then asks if Theo has ever actually seen a vagina. Theo says he has but mostly in magazines and Huxtable now has to explain the difference between an actual vagina and a vagina in magazines.
It’s the MASTER of the shocked, disgusted face. He might surpass the actual Bill Cosby. This guy as Bill Cosby should be in everything – comic books, feature films, funerals, weddings, courtroom trials. This Bill Cosby Impersonator should be our next president in fact. He’s awesome. Cliff explains to Theo that real vaginas are not airbrushed or shaved like plucked chickens and real vaginas come with all sorts of medical problems and decisions.
Two black men and a white woman with her pants down – it’s almost a guarantee something is going to happen.
Dr. Huxtable’s response to Mrs. Rose laying down and spreading her legs is PLEASE GIVE MY REGARDS TO YOUR HUSBAND. Theo meanwhile acts like he has seen the most beautiful thing ever created. Theo should be disgusted as she says she has a yellowish discharge. That probably means the bitch has an STD. He examines the vagina and says she has a vaginal infection and requires medication. Huxtable makes Theo look at the now yellowish-GREEN discharge. Holy shit, this bitch has a moldy pussy! That’s disgusting. Even my infinite hard-on is dead after hearing that. Theo vomits and I don’t blame him. Huxtable has a client who is giving birth and tells Theo to wait for his next client who doesn’t speak much English but is very pretty.
Theo responds by implying he might be gay after seeing Mrs. Rose’s vaginal discharge.
Oh hello girl from Spain that doesn’t speak much English. I would like to examine your vagina as well but since I have Luis Guzman Disease and nobody really cares about or tends to my sexual needs in even the slightest way I am going to live vicariously through Theo Huxtable’s fucking of your pussy.
It’s bum. There is only one proper way to react to this:
Anyway this young lady has mistaken Theo for a doctor because of his white coat and immediately wants to be examined and Theo decides to lie. She says there is no problem and wants the regular exam. Theo tells her to give her regards to the husband and she says she is not married and needs to have more sex while Theo tries to listen to the sounds of her vagina through a stethoscope which makes me wonder if you can hear the ocean through a vagina like you can seashells since I have never tried. She says to kiss her pussy but she also says it in the Consuela from Family Guy voice:
That’s really the best part of Family Guy… at least until they make an XXX Parody of THAT as well. Other than that I really couldn’t care all that much. Anyway, I don’t care that this girl talks like she’s in this country illegally and took a job from a hard working American because DAT PUSSY.
She may have taken your job, but she’s giving back jobs too…
Oh and she rides the D which makes me wonder if Theo Huxtable can get laid, why can’t I? Suddenly I hate my life.
I wonder if this scene is going to end in Cliff Huxtable getting jerked off again. Clair wants to know how Theo did and Cliff says that Theo was spectacular just like his father. I wonder if that means Cliff fucked the lady from Spain with limited English as well at some point.
Theo brags to Cockroach about fucking her. I’ve always wondered what possessed that kid to be named Cockroach. That has to be down there on the worst nicknames of all time, along with “Jackdick, Cumstain, Pubeface, Goatsecx, and Lemonparty.” I’m glad the best I could come up with is Riv because I am an uncreative son of a bitch. That makes my life a lot better. Cockroach and Theo start dancing in the room. I thought the Dance of Joy wouldn’t appear until the Perfect Strangers XXX Parody reared its ugly head. Cockroach asks Theo to hook him up with the Peep Show job so he can get out of it. Cockroach wants to meet the girls. It’s funny because he was at the Massive Orgy to begin with. Cliff believes Theo won’t go after women for a while after seeing his first vaginal infection. Clair says that she’s all clean and fresh down there and Cliff wants a peek.
…however having a billion daughters in the house is a permanent 100% guaranteed cockblock.
Rudy jumps in between her parents and claimed she saw a monster. This probably means a monster cock which is terrifying since the chick playing Rudy does in fact look like a little kid even though she’s not. She asks if she can stay with her parents. Cliff says NO BECAUSE THE MONSTER JUST WENT HOME which is Cosbyspeak for “my erect dick just died.”
I am pretty sure that in his mind Cliff Huxtable has gone from gynecologist to abortionist about 67 times. Since somebody has to be on Rudy Duty Cliff goes to prove the monster is gone and probably wants to get back in time for sex but Clair being a bitch decides to masturbate without Cliff.
That’s just fucking cold. So fucking cold. YOU DON’T COCKBLOCK THE COS, BITCH!
Sondra and Denise talk about all the wild sex in college the next morning. Unfortunately I went to Clayton College and State University and most of the women there looked like Mojo from the Uncanny X-Men and therefore I had no sexual interest in any of them.
Tonight when you say your prayers remember that I live in a horrible place like this and then please say a prayer for my cock. Anyway back to Cos-Porn. Denise says that since Sondra was cheated on by her husband she should retaliate by cheating on him and letting loose for a change. Sondra stays home alone to wait for the plumber.
OH NO NOT THIS GUY AGAIN!!! Ugh, this is the same dweeb that devirginized Denise in the last movie with his stupid little t-shirt. This dweeb shouldn’t be in the porn industry!
THIS GUY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX.
THIS GUY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE HIS PANTS OFF EVEN WHILE SHITTING.
He goes upstairs to the restroom while one of Denise’s cute friends shows up. She sort of looks like if she were a doll she would be one of Barbie’s friends. Her name is Kelly, which is the default name for “blonde who puts out.” I know what is going to happen here and I don’t like it at all.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING FOOL IS GETTING HIS COCK SUCKED BY TWO WOMEN. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
THIS IS A FUCKING TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE!!! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO FIX THIS! I REFUSE TO LIVEIN A WORLD WHERE THIS NERDY TOM HANKS WITH AIDS LOOKING DWEEB GETS LAID (AND PAID FOR IT) AND I DO NOT. I refuse! God damn it! Shit. Fuck! Sierra! Hotel! India! Echo! Lima! Delta! SHIELD.
The Shield came into the room, powerbombed that guy and then he died.***
(***Okay, so that didn’t actually happen but just pretend for my sake that that guy didn’t get to finish and he died a violent death for the injustices committed against the human race here in this video.)
Now back to breakfast with the Huxtables! That Rudy is insanely creepy. Cliff is worried Sondra is depressed. Clair thinks she will be back with Alvin tomorrow. I just hope she stops trying to get with ugly dweeb men. Sondra says she will never get back with Alvin.
Aww, man! Rudy is about to have sex with Vanilla Ice. That’s just fucking wrong. How the fuck did this guy even get in the house? Rudy says she’s going to show him a secret. This is the start of just about every chat transcript on Dateline NBC ever, but unfortunately Chris Hansen shall not come to our rescue.
Rudy saw everything Sondra did yesterday and now she wants to show this Ice-Ice-Baby creep these things. RudyPorn officially makes me want to quit life, living, and all things. This… makes me feel violated - and like I need to take a shower and not a shower to get naked shower but a shower to wash away the dirtiness shower. Meanwhile Theo and Cockroach are at the Peep Show.
No not THAT Peep Show… THIS ONE:
I at this point realize his name is Cockroach because it is impossible to look at him without wanting to empty a can of RAID in his face in hopes it burns off his skin and eats his eyeballs.
This also applies to the original Cockroach from the REAL Cosby Show. He’s clearly the gayest black man I have ever seen since @Devin_DTurner.
…That’s pretty fucking gay, too. I am sure that his willingness to follow Theo into his many misadventures to try to get laid are all secretly Cockroach hiding his homosexuality which will emerge later in life after his third or fourth mid-life crisis.
These guys quickly get their Horsedick.mpg on and proceed to fuck a white bitch. You know for an inept moron Theo gets to have sex way too often. Maybe it’s my higher brain functions that cause me to be undesired by women. Maybe women like men who are one IQ point away from being legally considered mentally retarded.
I would like to believe Melody Nakai does not actually exist anymore and that Vanessa has replaced her? Why? Because that hair is fucking hilarious and as you know it gets a whopping 10/10 Floating Bill Cosby XXX Impersonator Heads:
I think what makes it great is she keeps moving her head casually side to side like the hair is weighing her hair.
Now Rudy gets in on the creepy soulless Huxtable Daughter smile. At least her head isn’t see-sawing all over the place like Vanessa’s though. That’s hilarious. I feel like Melody Nakai just goes places in that get-up and stares at people with her head wobbling everywhere smiling that creepy smile. And that’s totally okay. I feel like it makes everybody uncomfortable which means it is quite effective.
Theo walks in and gets interrogated about where he has been by his sisters. He claims he was working on a science project with cockroach. Denise outs Theo on his little problem, and Theo reveals it’s a girl problem trying to downplay it when they get a phone call. Rudy says the phone is for Theo. She delivers a message in front of everyone: It’s a man named Guido. Theo owes him $150 and he’s coming over now to collect it. Theo immediately volunteers to drive Denise back to college so that he doesn’t have to encounter Guido. And so our story ends.
I’m a bit disappointed we’re not getting “Not the Cosbys XXX 3: The Wrath of Guido” but hopefully the pornographic industry will get on that before Black History Month 2014 so I have something to watch and laugh at hysterically. Otherwise, it looks like next year I might be recapping ACTUAL EPISODES of the real Cosby Show and that’s just not as funny without the random sex scenarios. Plus I don’t think I could ever look at Bill Cosby’s TV family the same ever again after this. In fact I don’t think ANYTHING will ever be funny again UNLESS it involves a Bill Cosby impersonator in pornographic scenarios ever again. This movie has broken my sense of humor, forever.