I was trying to figure out the best way to close out Black History Month 2013 on JasonRivera.com when suddenly, @tayl0rthecunt on Twitter (Taylor to some of you) decided to embark on an epic journey. For those who don’t know Taylor she’s an A student who also happens to be black and well-educated. Much like many of the other black people I know who have educations, decency, aspirations and upbringing she’s not particularly a fan of those who reinforce the negative stereotypes by doing nothing with their lives whatsoever. With the popularity of “Catfishing” (thanks to MTV exploiting something that has been going on for decades), and the PlentyOFFish articles on this very site, Taylor would embark on a journey of her own searching on the site that pretty much says “if you’re a stereotype, and can’t get laid any other way, this site is for you!”
BlackPeopleMeet.com. I helped fund the project and Taylor worked on the execution and what we found on BlackPeopleMeet was really fucking bad. I’m going to share some photos with you and you can decide whether or not you believe that BlackPeopleMeet is where bad style and bad stereotypes fuse together into perfect harmony, causing you to question what is wrong with this world while simultaneously setting race relations back about a hundred years. For starters BlackPeopleMeet puts up a splash logo of fine upstanding black people looking like some sort of Jet magazine models. I find it amusing because generally these days the vast majority of black men and women I know date outside their race almost exclusively. The reason why is because a black woman perceives most black men as being THIS:
HEY MAMI WHATS GOOD? I GOT DEM NEW JORDANS AND BE SMOKIN’ DAT BLUNT OUTSIDE THAT QUIKTRIP. MY KIDS? SHEEEEETTT… WHICH ONE? I GOTS SIX. OH, YEAH I AIN’T SEEN MY BABY GURL IN A HOT MINUTE, BUT WHAT YOU NO GOOD BOO, YOU GONNA GIMMIE THAT GOOD GOOD TONIGHT? I’S GUNNA BEAT DA BRAKES OFF DAT SHIT, SHAWDTY. ME & MY NIGGAS GUN' RUN A TRAIN ON DAT SHIT. CHOO, CHOO, BITCH!!!
Black men on the other hand perceive black women as THIS:
I GOT DAT NEW WEAVE TODAY AT THE STO’. I GUN GET MY NAILS DID LATER. I WANT SOME CHICKEN. YOU GOTS TO PAY 2 PLAY SEVEN SEVEN OH, THREE THREE SIX ONE TWO SIX TWO. BRING $50, 420 FRIENDLY. I DON’T DO ANAL THO BECAUSE JESUS IS WATCHIN’& SHIT.
The truth is the most racist people against black people ARE black people but it’s because the stereotypes ruin it for everyone and any black person who is NOT a stereotype is fighting desperately to break the negative perception as opposed to the opposite end of the spectrum who not only doesn’t break that perception but embraces it and makes it worse. Personally, I know people of every race of every color from all walks of life. I don’t judge based on skin color but you have to admit there are a lot of stupid people out there that are at the root of the problem. These people usually expect free shit from the President now that a “black man” (correction: he is only HALF black) is in office:
The worst part about this? Stupidity made her famous, which proves only the unintelligent get air-time, but that’s a different story for a different day. Let’s get back to BlackPeopleMeet. BPM has really tried to push their product. There are commercials for BPM all the time, especially whenever a sports game is on. The whole idea is not unlike ChristianMingle (which we also did an article about some time ago) where the idea is those of a like mind can meet, date, and interact. Of course black is a race and not a religion, and to that there’s the negative connotation that it could be construed as “people should only date their own kind.” Whatever your opinion is on the purpose of BlackPeopleMeet, it’s here, for better or worse – but some of the people on it are the worst of the worst. First let’s look at the profile Taylor created in order to find the “Black Man of Her Dreams.”
Taylor started off using a photo of WWE NXT Diva Sasha Banks – mainly because of the fact that Sasha looks like she’s mixed with about 200 different things, or possibly the bastard spawn of both Lilo and Stitch. We really can’t tell. For some reason Sasha is now an unmarried Jewish woman who smokes every day, grew up in Nigeria, makes more than $150,000 dollars a year and is a Ultra Conservative (See also: Tea Party) with ten kids, who likes a lot of animals including the exotic. Well, I’m sold. Taylor has managed to make Sasha Banks seem interesting and came up with a better backstory for her than anyone in WWE Creative has managed to do. Usually when Sasha wrestles, I cheer for the other girl because the other girl is usually Audrey Marie.
OH FUCK YES… Anyway, I just reviewed Not The Cosbys XXX 1 and Not The Cosbys XXX 2 so I’m all out of lotion and can’t sit here to… appreciate Audrey Marie. Anyway, back to the point: Anyone who is literate SHOULD be able to read this profile and know it’s a joke. Unfortunately most of the Live Responses by both Taylor and her partner in crime, @AndrewTheMark were lost due to the fact the video on their weekly live-stream at Top Turnbuckle Live was sadly not retained by the Twitch website – by the way, make sure to go there. The majority of the people there are good folk and they talk about wrestling and play videogames, two wonderful things. Anyway we were fortunate enough that all the best profiles (or absolute worst, depending on how you look at it), were saved and we will now display to you the awfulness of the caliber of person you’ll find on BlackPeopleMeet.
Here we see “Brennace.” Brennace apparently likes to “kick it” and he plays Basket Ball (instead of “basketball.”) He graduated job corps and… …you know, his profile is just one giant run-on sentence. I almost pity Brennance because he’s so… boring, but I think Brennace has a lovely future here on BlackPeopleMeet because compared to everyone else on here he looks like a champion.
I mean when the competition consists old guys who dress like some sort of hybrid between McGruff and Inspector Gadget I don’t think you have anything to worry about. In his spare time this dandy gentleman likes to hang out in parks and watch the children with one hand uncomfortably down his pants. Here is the original picture:
Frankly I don’t think hanging around trying to look serious while wearing a trench coat in the middle of a park in mid-day is a good way to pick up women. I mean if it’s the middle of the day shouldn’t you be out working, or doing groceries, or… anything OTHER than taking a really awkward photoshoot in the park for your BlackPeopleMeet profile? That just seems all sorts of fucked up. I’d also like to point out whoever took these photos is a douchebag and a shitty friend for not telling this guy “Hey, umm… this isn’t a good idea.”
You know what else isn’t a good idea? Not being able to spell your own username. Here we see LUXARYBROWN75 – why? Because “luxury” was spelled incorrectly. I was about to give him a pass – maybe he just had a weird name like “Luxary,” but the message clearly indicates this man’s name is Charles. I’ve often been criticized myself for having an overly Asian face with a smile but at least you can tell I have eyeballs. The guy’s profile also sounds like some crappy lyrics from some R&B artist that never made it, so ultimately I don’t think this divorced 37 year old has a good future outlook when it comes to getting him some of DAT SASHA BANKS. I probably have a better chance of getting pussy than this guy has of ever touching a vagina ever again. Of course he has nothing on our next eligible Ohio bachelor.
MRPOLO704. At first I thought this was one of Sasha’s NXT co-workers Corey Graves in blackface, but upon further inspection this is not intended to be a joke. This guy is real. He starts out with the whole I believe in God spiel. Why is it that some people think if they capitalize GOD that it somehow makes them more devout than the next guy? He has a military background and education and is open about the fact he has a child which are all positive traits. On paper this guy seems to have his shit together… until you see that he wants to GO PLAY PUTT PUTT AND HAVE THE BEST TIME EVER. Holy shit, are you fucking retarded? You mean to tell me a 30 year old, travelled military man who is a Business Major… wants to go out and play PUTT PUTT? What happened to wining and dining, romance, fun? Hell, even asking for SEX is probably vastly superior than “let’s go play putt putt.” What are you? 6?
Of course at least he isn’t so old that he wandered onto the wrong site by accident. Here we see a sad old WHITE MAN on BlackPeopleMeet. I was hoping that he was looking to reinstate slavery and was looking to buy a few people but his profile causes me to realize Ted Danson over here is just senile creepy and crazy. First of all, he’s messaging the Sasha profile which is well over half his age to begin with. He says he likes to be “spoiled back.” That means licking his hairy white pubes on his hairy white ballsac. That’s disgusting. He then goes on to say that the Virgo is the strongest sign on earth and therefore the world revolves around him… maybe he’s into the Slavery thing after all then. I really wish BobbySoFine had Twitter or Facebook or some other way of contact. I would love to try to hook him up with Mecca our occasional Spare Ashlynn on Asked. Her white boyfriends are superior though; then again that’s not saying much.
Not to be outdone by Old Whitey, Old Blackie is even worse as we see VEGASDR. Now I’d like to think that means “Vegas Doctor” but he is in Washington DC and he is clearly not a doctor judging by his outfit; he’s either a boxing referee, a waiter, or Samuel L. Jackson as Stephen from Django Unchained.
WHY IS THIS NIGGER ON A HORSE?
Anyway, Sasha informed VEGASDR that she’s too old for him because frankly we’re in a gray area as to whether or not a heart attack in mid-sex translates into a homicide charge.
JAZZYONE23 is the next man up. He is passionate, confident and easy-going so he says but the all caps “NEVER” makes me think that this guy is a bit forceful. He doesn’t want to be taken advantage of which translates into “I DO THE TAKING YOU LITTLE BITCH.” He wants an “intimate woman in joys” which probably means anal. Still, he’s clearly a criminal and plans to kill again judging by the fact that his default profile photo is clearly and obviously a mugshot at a police station. Believe me, I know what police stations look like being a minority myself.
…of course even if you’re not a criminal you just look like a homosexual version of Vega from Street Fighter II with that long ass braid and effeminately soft-looking skin. I also can’t tell if that’s a little golden penis hanging off of his necklace. What makes me feel bad about this isn’t his flamboyant appearance or his Z True Long Island Story shoes but the fact this faerie has a Galaxy S3 phone which is slightly nicer than mine. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
Then we have STIMPVA, who is so dark he might as well be invisible. The VA obviously stands for Virgina but what does STIMP stand for? “Stimp” sounds like something tiny and small, and nonexistent which makes me feel that we have a black man with an incredibly small dick here. Now before you say “ALL BLACK MEN HAVE BIG DICKS,” I must refer you to Exhibits A, B, and C below:
MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MILLION DOLLA MOVES! MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MILLION DOLLA MOVES! MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MILLION DOLLA MOVES! MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MOVES, MAKIN’ MILLION DOLLA MOVES! ...the biggest move this guy can get is using “millions of dollas” to invest in a penis transplant. Of course if you can stretch your penis you might be Mr. Fantastic from the hit Marvel Comic: The Fantastic Four.
…or you could be this douchebag who calls himself MRFANTASTIC. Maybe that’s why he isn’t just single but SUPER single. How does one become SUPER single? Maybe it’s because he’s got that stupid face where he’s licking his lips like he’s thinking of RAPE. On top of that Mr. Fantastic has never been married, yet has two children and that shows us a lack of responsibility since he was stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. Add to that the fact that he claims that smoking doesn’t make you a smoker and drinking doesn’t make you a drinker so he is neither even though he does both and you have a confusing, confused person who is probably going to raise his kids to knock up liquor stores.
…Of course at least he’s not sitting there wearing plain-as-fuck clothing in hopes you will notice his expensive shoes like this dipshit. Oh well, at least this ugly little guy works out as this is clearly taken in the locker room of a Bally Total Fitness, so this creepy little bastard lifts at the very least.
NIMB wants us to know that our profile caught his eye. Unfortunately for his eye it can’t spot a fake because it’s blinded by his penis’ desperation. Taylor tried to hit him up for an iPhone but clearly that phone means a lot to him and he did not want to part with it at this time. Of course at least it wasn’t like our next guy…
MERKABA1 decided he wanted to hit US up for a LAPTOP because apparently Sasha Banks made him DROP his laptop. Unfortunately it wasn’t out of a window as to prevent his Internet access and unfortunately he didn’t fall down with it. I wonder if his CAPSLOCK KEY WAS BROKEN BEFORE OR AFTER HE DROPPED THE LAPTOP AS WELL AS HIS ABILITY TO TYPE THE WORD “TO” INSTEAD OF “2.” The only thing this guy has going for him is nice sunglasses because they look like mine.
I AM MERKABA2, THE NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION THAT DOESN’T DROP LAPTOPS. (I STILL TYPE IN ALL CAPS THOUGH).
Here is JGray20, the gayest Black Man to live in Johnny Landin’s hometown of Staten Island. Seriously, Landin is a bigger negro than this guy .
I was proud that Taylor spelled it out to this guy in a language that he understands. Also if you’re male and have angel wings on your back you are gay. No exceptions. Sorry Husky Harris.
And finally there is EASYE94. Didn’t… Easy E die of AIDS? Why would you want to associate yourself name-wise with someone who DIED OF AIDS on a dating website? What an idiot. Aside from the fact that looks like he spends his spare time pouncing on people and shoving his thumb up their ass, he’s not sure why our screen name is “TWERKMASTER.” Well… it’s STILL more sensible than someone who died of AIDS. He was quick to ask for dinner and drinks without getting to know someone so I assume he thinks Sasha Banks is an escort. Either way he was hilariously awful as were all of the guys on here and this resulted in an increase of fan mail being sent to Ms. Banks at NXT Arena, Full Sail University:
The nasty shit they tell Sasha gives Dusty Rhodes a massive erection. So with that we are… wait. WE’RE NOT DONE. While Sasha had no fan mail from women it didn’t stop us from browsing to see what kind of ladies are on BlackPeopleMeet, so let’s take a final look, shall we?
If you like women with hoop-hoe earrings, and heads with hair that have the texture of a tennis ball while having the face of your average Super Mario Bros. Koopa Troopa you’ve come to the right place with BlackPeopleMeet.
Of course there are also the black Stay Puft-style women who know they are beautiful because their momma and the flower in their hair said so. Plus he weight makes her SASSY. Holy shit those pants and shoes look like they are in pain. She might need to find a blacksmith to nail those shoes onto her feet.
Here is a random picture of a dog. Michael Vick likes this… which is why it looks completely fucking terrified.
Oh no, not you again. This bitch needs to go away. She looks less like a Koopa Troopa here and more like some sort of Reptile-Human like the Reptites from the legendary Super NES Role-Playing Game Chrono Trigger.
The Reptite might be sexier, actually.
Is there some sort of law that says when you reach your thirties and are a black female that you have to wear those loud-ass print blouses with those dashiki-like sleeves that remind me of maternity wear? I assume it’s because these black women breed so much that they don’t even need a new outfit to accommodate their pregnancy stomach when it happens. Also why the hell are her earrings miniature curtains? And why the hell does it look like she’s the only behemoth at the club where she is at? It’s almost as if this fat woman has gotten in the way of the camera which is trying to aim at all the pretty women blocked out by her existence in the background. This bitch is a hater, yo.
Of course this bitch is even worse. There are only three people who should wear capes in this world:
Austin Aries, the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived.
That said, she’s neither the Hamburglar (although she has eaten much McDonalds to get that way),and she is clearly not A Double, therefore she is an evil wizard and she has cast Aveda Kedavra… on my cock. Flaccid. FUCK YOU.
I have zebra print bedsheets. However one man’s bedsheets are one black woman’s shirt. Again with the really ugly blouse thing! And this one has Gong Show earrings to add to it. She also comes minus a neck and plus a belt that looks like it’s horribly strained to “hold all that in.” The smallest thing on this bitch is her watch. That’s kind of sad. Those poor, poor zebras who died to clothe this woman. I pity them immensely.
…no. Just no. You know what? I can’t do this. Taylor… I… I gotta go.
Since I funded this whole thing it’s time for me to cancel that membership in the best way I know how to do so.
Ultimately BlackPeopleMeet was a painful choice that led to painful feelings of sadness and misery and made me ashamed to be black, and I’m not even a black person. I don’t know why they decided to make this website to begin with as the original concept for BlackPeopleMeet was much better.
And it’s way more effective, just take a look at the testimonial video below if you don’t believe me: