Smackdown is Riv - 3-1-2013 Riv , 2013/03/01 16:47
I recap Smackdown because it’s half the size of RAW if you cut out all the filler. WWE Signature airs and we’re reminded that the Super Babyfaces and the Shield don’t like each other. We’re told Randy Orton is going to take on the Big Show. That is like being told the WWE hates you and wants to lock you into a coma.
Ricardo Rodriguez is here, a master of introductions. You know, if wrestling doesn’t work out for him in the long run I think he could host Sabado Gigante and hang around with a bunch of women with big tits and pretty faces that look nothing like the Mexicans I see in public.
Am I the only one that misses Del Rio’s cars? I mean I get he was tweaked so he’d be more… babyface in general (and I’m surprised that caught on so well), but I miss the expensive vehicles and the Titantron graphics of him having a giant house. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are here with Josh because JBL was unable to be here.
His opponent is Damien Sandow and while I would normally be thrilled to see Sandow out here he and Rhodes have ended up demoted to “jobbing to main eventers” on the Road to Wrestlemania and also “having no current plans to do ANYTHING” at Wrestlemania. Sandow makes sure to at least read Alberto Del Rio the riot act for his improper English and being accompanied by a man in an outdated tuxedo wielding a spit bucket. Del Rio counters on the microphone and tells Sandow his mouth smells like kaka. Why… why is that what Del Rio is countering with? Decent match begins as the commentators focus on Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger who are watching backstage and talk about the politics issues. Del Rio naturally wins because they’re just not going to make a champion look bad on the Road to Wrestlemania. We are told Jim Ross will be interviewing Coulter (and that other guy) tonight.
I can’t be the only one that notices Zeb Coulter is in the foreground, not the background. You’d think Jack Swagger was Zeb’s manager for Wrestlemania 29 and not the other way around.
-sigh- Retarded children power hour. They are bickering about blindfolds and arms tied behind backs and Prime Time Players and who is better. They have a rematch and this time Kane is going to be blindfolded and Daniel Bryan will have an arm tied behind his back. I miss Daniel Bryan the wrestler not Daniel Bryan the imbecilic 3rd grader in the playground that picks on the really big retarded sociopath kid.
The Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro for the US Title. No thank you. This is a two out of three falls match. I like Cesaro a lot but I’m tired of watching him vs. the Miz. I am thankful the Miz has not won the title however and every time they push this match I worry it will be the time they decide Cesaro needs to lose the belt. Cesaro wins with a cheap roll-up & pull-tights victory to cement he needs to cheat to beat the Miz meaning this shit will continue to Wrestlemania 29. Ugh.
Boring McBoringPromos. Sheamus offers to watch Orton’s back in case of the Shield.
It’s time for some good ol’ fashioned RACISM. It’s hilarious. Jim Ross begins asking Jack Swagger about the losses that caused him to snap and leave the company for five months and he wants to know what happened when Swagger was gone. Zeb says he taught Swagger the reality of this country. Jim Ross says he was asking Jack Swagger and he doesn’t understand where Zeb is coming from. Basically Zeb says Mexicans including Del Rio need to LEAVE the United States. He compares what is happening to the country to a fruit basket where the fruit is rotting and attracting flies.
All Jack Swagger adds to it is “WE THE PEOPLE” and Jim Ross gets pissed that Zeb Colter has brainwashed him. Zeb says if anyone brainwashed Swagger it was Jim Ross during his formative years. Jim Ross tells Zeb to shut up (in a more formal way than that). Zeb then threatens Jim Ross to keep a civil tone otherwise something bad is going to happen to him. Swagger now slaps the hat off Jim Ross and threatens him. Del Rio comes to the aid of Jim Ross and faces off with Swagger and Colter. After the save is made we get Team Say Hell No To Middle School Gimmicks vs. Team Negro.
Okay, I admit the Goat Face on the blindfold bag is fucking funny. The Prime Time Players get the win when Bryan is rolled up while arguing with a blindfolded Kane. I wish that had been for the tag team titles. Once Kane has removed the blindfold he realizes it has a goat face on it and is not happy.
Just a side-note: Why the hell is Kane wearing red shit on his face under his mask? Daniel Bryan goes for a hug but Kane puts the Goat Blindfold on him and slaps him in the face.
No. Immediately after we get FAN-DAN-GO!!!
Johnny Curtis corrects Matt Striker. He is Fahn-Dahn-GOOOO!!!! Matt Striker gets it wrong. He tells Striker “breathe the ‘A’s in.” FAAAAHNNNNN DAAAHNN GOOOOOO!!! Johnny Curtis tells Striker not to get hung up on the N. FAAAAHNNNN DAHNNNN GOOO!!!! Striker asks him about his fighting style and we are told he has mastered the art of dance and everything there is to accomplish in the ballroom. Fandango says it’s time for him to take rhythm, precision and grace to the ring so everyone can follow his lead. This sounds like the reason DeeJay is in Super Street Fighter II. Matt Striker says Curtis will be debuting against ZA-(told you so) but Curtis says not next, not now, not tonight… not until Striker gets his name right. FAAAAHHHNNN DAHNNNN GOOOO!!!
Matt Striker is terrified that this man is going to chloroform him again.
One of my favorite Johnny Curtis segments of NXT.
I like the implication Alicia Fox was going to get it next. The really boring Orton-Big Show main event is next. This match doesn’t pick up until the Shield come out and attack everyone but the Shield accidentally knocks into Big Show who knocks Reigns out. Big Show then knocks out Orton. Sheamus then Brogue Kicks the Big Show. This is a big mess. I’m glad it’s over. I wish Fandango had debuted. I am disappointed. Oh well, at least there’s no Bo Dallas.