There are things in this world that you despise, and dread, yet they must be done. Whether it's doing taxes, going to the dentist, meeting your girlfriend's parents - some things are just GOING TO HAPPEN, no matter how unavoidable. You may try to prolong it but in the end, it's inevitable... so granted by the subject matter of the site, it was sadly inevitable that at some point in my life I would have to endure... 1 Night in China.
Chances are, whether you watch professional wrestling or not, you know of Joanie “Chyna” Laurer and her antics. If not, allow me to give you a brief history:
Joanie Laurer first burst on the mainstream wrestling scene in the World Wrestling Federation under the name “Chyna” as a bodyguard character for Hunter Hearst Helmsley, her real-life boyfriend. As things progressed, Chyna and Hunter (renamed Triple H), became members of the marketable wrestling faction D-Generatioin X, along side Road Dogg Jesse James, Bad Ass Billy Gunn, and Sean “X-Pac” Waltman. As mainstream popularity and success came her way due to the peak of professional wrestling, the masculine Chyna developed a fanbase of sorts, and to appeal to them more had many surgeries performed on her jaw, breasts, and face to make her look more “feminine.” This eventually even lead to a Playboy photo shoot, and Laurer’s Playboy issue sold in the top ten of all-time. Unfortunately for Laurer, her ego began to get the better of her and she began to make outlandish claims and demands of the World Wrestling Federation. It also didn’t help that her beau at the time, Triple H began having an affair with the WWF’s chairman’s daughter, Stephanie McMahon. Laurer soon found herself out of a job, and some time later, so did Waltman due to drug problems. Eventually the two former partners would find their own romance off-screen and attempt to capitalize on it in hopes to regain some of their fading popularity.”
So that brings us to “1 Night in China,” a film about two wrestlers having sex. I would say “a male wrestler having sex with a female wrestler,” but I still have yet to believe that Chyna is 100% woman – in fact here are some photos that would suggest otherwise:
So, as you can see, “1 Night in China” isn’t a video of pleasure, it’s a video of PAIN. However, if I was going to be condemned to hell, I would not go alone. I invited my friend, and personal JasonRivera.com Head of Security Curtis over and decided to use my digital camera and photography skills to rate 1 Night in China based on his facial expressions, comments, and reactions. So in effect, Curtis is the man who had to suffer 1 Night in China moreso than I.
Our program opens up with the introduction, this picture, and credits – a montage of horrible events – a taste of things to come, or worse a taste of Joanie and Sean’s cum. As we see this picture, Curtis Commentary #1 hits:
Curtis: Eww… She looks like something out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Me: Fuck that, she just looks like straight-out “Rocky.”
We then get an introduction showing us Sean Waltman. He tells us that he’s the craziest motherfucker ever. This makes Curtis laugh a bit, at how pathetic it is Waltman said “SUCK IT” did a crotch chop and referenced DX, the only time Waltman was ever even remotely close to “famous,” and yet it was seven years ago.
Waltman stops some guy to talk to him. If the guy knew what this video was about, and had known what Joanie looked like naked, he probably would have ignored Waltman completely. In fact I bet he’d have called someone to get those two coked-out former wrestlers deported.
As the drums beat, we see Rocky Horror Picture Chyna again…
She then turns around and shows us her man-ass…
Curtis looks on in horror. The look on his face says it all, and shall be immortalized with such greatness as the fabled "Dayco Look" also featured here on JasonRivera.com.
Lots and lots of bad camerawork in a poorly lit room follows, and while this is usually a bad thing, considering who the two people fucking in this video are, the poorly lit room is your friend and mine. At this point Waltman looks at Joanie and says “Huh Huh. One of your boobs is hanging out. Huh huh, huh.” Which probably means our next porn video will be a two-on-one Chyna gangbang entitled “Beavis and Butthead Do Chyna.”
I begin hearing noises and kissing sounds. These disgust The Curtis as well as myself, but fortunately the room remains dimly lit, so we can’t see anything. Joanie begins to suck X-Pac’s dick, confirming after all these years that YES, Sean Waltman actually HAS a dick.
Joanie instead begins to suck Sean’s fingers because they’re bigger than his penis.
Finally after lots of playing, the two begin to fuck, and we are horrified. In fact I feel like ten to twenty years of my lifespan were just depleted; it is as if this video steals a part of your soul. Where does it go? No one knows. It’s more than likely used to keep Ric Flair alive.
Chyna begins to moan. However, the moaning sounds more like an Elk being put out of it’s misery in the wilderness. Mike Tyson probably has a more feminine, seductive voice than Chyna does. Curtis begins to cry at the sound of Chyna's voice, likely the same sound Satan's ass makes when he passes gas.
Even though this has no relation to the scene, bear in mind that Shawn Michaels and Triple H ran a train on this woman for her to get her job… That said, HHH deserves ten World Title reigns. Hell, the guy deserves charities to donate money to him after having sex with this fuckin’ monster. I actually feel sorry for the guy now. As for Michaels – well soon after that experience he found God, and justifiably so. God owes him an explanation for Chyna.
Eventually X-Pac gets off her with all the enthusiasm of a man being sent to a firing squad. My guess is all the drugs he puts in his body wore off at this point, Waltman said to himself “What the fuck am I having sex with?” and upon realizing it was Joanie Laurer got off her, didn’t cum and walked away like it was every day business, and had this been 1997 WWF, I’m sure that having sex with Joanie WAS every day business. Even though, I don’t understand how being on the road so long could ever make anyone feel sex with Chyna was a release… Then again I guess when Pat Patterson is your only alternative, you have to make due…
I’m not gay, but I would have chose Patterson, myself – soiled underwear and all.
Waltman stares at the Great Wall of China, likely in regret of the acts he has just committed, crimes against humanity by filming this hideous act of bestiality.
Curtis, is at a loss for words. Well, not really as Curtis informs us that: “Nigga better put some Neosporin on his dick.” Waltman then is atop the Great Wall, and Curtis and I are in agreement that “He should jump off the wall.” As the proud owner of WWF Over the Edge 1999 where Owen Hart is dropped 89 feet to his death by accident in the Kemper Arena, I can say that “wrestling death” is much less painful than “Joanie Laurer’s Surgically Created from a Cock Pussy Being Fucked.”
I refuse, absolutely refuse to believe after this screenshot that Joanie is not a Johnny – that it’s not some sort of hideous drag queen and always has been. World Wrestling Entertaiment, the WWE refers to Chyna at times as the “9th Wonder of the World.” In that case, the 10th Wonder of the World is how my cock continues to function despite watching this atrocity.
Now for a difficult question. What is this a picture of?
a) Sin, the giant mutated monster from the hit PS2 game Final Fantasy X.
b) some form of the bat family that is upside down, sleeping in hibernation.
c) Joanie Laurer’s pussy, which sadly looks like a miniature penis.
d) The new face of erectile dysfunction.
If you guessed BOTH C and D you’re absolutely right, but if you mistook it for a vampire bat or Sin, then I can’t say I blame you. We earlier referred to Joanie as looking like Rocky. How sad it is that her face looks like Stallone, and her cunt looks like a speedbag. At this point Chyna’s hideous vagina has cost Curtis his eyes for the time being, from as he called it "a pussy, if you can call it that, which looks like rotten roast beef."
Waltman begins to finger her I-can’t-believe-it’s-a-pussy. I throw up in my own mouth just a little. I realize that fingering Chyna is the ultimate submission move. Forget the Ankle Lock. Forget the Walls of Jericho. Forget the Crippler Crossface. I don’t care how tough you are… staring at that will make you tap out. You cannot win a staring contest with Chyna’s crotch.
Words cannot describe this. I’m horrified. This is the stuff of nightmares. I have resorted to once again sleeping with the night light on. I mean, why would you put your mouth there? Eating Chyna's pussy probably causes Gingivitis.
Just when I think that I have seen all there is to see that is disturbing on earth, Chyna prepares for doggy-style and shows her ass to the camera up-close. At least I think it’s her ass. It looks more like a replica globe of the moon complete with every nook, cranny, and crater in it. This video disturbs me but if you’re some sick fuck out there with an anal-acne fetish than you will just love Chyna’s pimply, hemorrhoid-friendly anus. Rumor has it aspiring astronauts step on Chyna’s ass to feel how Neil Armstrong felt when he landed.
At this point I can’t tell if Waltman is fucking Laurer’s ass, or if she’s giving him head. Both sides look about the same.
Time for another Multiple Choice. This picture is:
a) Chyna’s Crunched Up, Deformed Body, While Pac fucks her Missionary.
b) Like-Like, the shield eating enemy from the Legend of Zelda series.
c) Proof that God hates us all.
d) Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s shame
If you answered ALL OF THE ABOVE, you’re probably right.
The last time I saw a face like that, it was being slaughtered to make bacon. Finally X-Pac blows his load on her, and the video ends. But not without permanent irreparable damage to the sanity of Curtis and the sanity of myself. It basically shocked Curtis retarded, as you can see.
The video ends with Waltman telling us that he’s had as much of Chyna as he can handle…
Meaning that it’s probably Road Dogg or Billy Gunn’s turn to fuck her. I bet Rick Rude is glad he’s dead now since it means he doesn't have to! As the video comes to a close, I realize there is only one solution, one way to end this for all. I took the burned DVD and stuck it in a jewel case, with a note, a warning…
Click the YouTube Video to find out how it ends… The only way it could end… The only way it SHOULD end…
For all you wrestling fans, rumor has it that Sean Waltman may be allowed to return to WWE in the near future. In fact, they even made him a new Titantron, with Chyna's pussy replacing the energy drinks.
Remember, there are four fates worse than death in this world: Disfigurement, Slavery, Marriage… and 1 Night in China. Now if you’ll excuse me, the tradeoff for spending 1 Night in China, is Countless Nights in Therapy…