Britney & Kevin - Chaotic!
Riv , 2005/05/31 19:13

I actually had this one on my desk the past couple of weeks, now, but I simply have not had the time, inclination, motivation, or mental capacity to handle a full hour of the first episode of the new reality TV show Britney and Kevin. If you haven’t heard about this yet, you should known that UPN has signed a reality TV show featuring the now-pregnant “teenage bitch who brought shitty pop songs about underage sex” back to prominence, and her husband (?) boyfriend (?), whatever-the-fuck he is, some guy named Kevin who knocked her up.

Was Jessica Simpson not retarded enough for television alone? The sad part is UPN probably shelled out a lot of money for this one, as are evidenced by all the advertising and tons of commercial promotion. Of course, UPN will put anything on the air; this is the same company that has brought us quality television over the years such as:

Homeboys In Outer Space, a show about two black guys in outer space…

The Mullets, a TV show about two white guys with, yep, mullets.

“Cuts,” A show with 3/4th black actors and 1/4th Shannon Elizabeth (better known to the entire world as “That Nadia Chick From American Pie”) involving the merger of a black barber shop and a… whatever-the-fuck-Shannon-Elizabeth-is DaySpa.

And of course, the only show I watch on UPN purposely (and I don’t know why), WWE Smackdown complete with current reigning WWE champion, a rapping wigger named “John Cena,” whose catchphrase is “You Can’t See Me.” Most people can’t – why? Because they CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

So naturally giving Britney Spears a reality television show is normal UPN logic. Of course before we delve into the first episode, let’s look at reasons OTHER than my hate for Britney Spears why this show logically will not do very well:

Britney’s Fanbase

--Britney’s primary fanbase are 18-45 year old men who want to fuck her, cum all over her, and put various things in her ass as well. However, that said, even the most perverted of perverts probably won’t want to see a television show where she’s fat from being pregnant and knocked up by some guy named “Kevin,” who is now the most hated man on earth to these very same 18-45 year old men. Also of note is that these men don’t really give a fuck what Britney Spears has to say, as they feel Britney was meant to suck a dick, not to be heard.

--Britney’s secondary fanbase are a bunch of 13-14 year old girls who like to have lots of sex. As such they are doing this with older men instead of being at home watching her television show, or they are grounded by their parents for fucking 45-year old men and getting caught.

--Britney’s third and final fanbase are a bunch of 13-14 year old girls who are so stupid they have no clue how to operate a remote control on a television, let alone have the attention span to watch anything for more than five minutes.

Kevin’s Fanbase

--Kevin doesn’t have any fans. The end.

So you don’t have to hate Britney Spears to see that this television show is going to suck balls. That said, it’s time to watch a show so bad it might be on par with the pornographic horror that is “One Night In China.”

My recording opens up with a commercial about the final three in this season’s edition of America’s Top Model. I have my money on the black girl in the middle because she’s the one who looks the most like WWF Tough Enough Winner Maven.

Britney starts with a supposedly deep speech about how “When you’re in the public eye, people think you’re different, but truth is she wants what everyone wants.” And what does everybody want?

No, not Head. Britney is pregnant and tainted by the dick of some generic asshole, so no one wants head anymore…

That’s right, dancing around like a complete retard, that’s what we all want, and I’m sure at least one other person watching this, at this point in the show got up and started dancing like a fuckin’ retard with Britney, too. I know I was.

Britney says she wants men who haven’t seen much because she’s seen a lot. If she’s talking about her, I don’t know as the bitch is half naked on almost everything she’s ever done but then we cut to this. A closeup of up Kevin’s nose, saying in his best “trying to be a seductive black man even though I’m not black” voice, “I care about you.”

This is Britney’s journey… to prove once and for all her tits aren’t fake implants, as you can see by the fact they look like complete shit when she’s wearing a wifebeater.

Here is another picture of Britney Spears looking retarded. Notice that almost every screenshot has an ad for ANOTHER UPN show? UPN must think billions of people are watching this, so they want to capitalize and make people watch Top Model and Kevin Hill. Personally the only show that remotely catches my eye is Veronica Mars because I’d fuck her.

Kevin reappears, this time saying “I think you’re scared to love me.” I think I’m scared… scared of the fact Kevin gets about ten seconds of airtime in between Britney talking like she’s a black woman for the next five. It’s as if UPN is subliminally trying to make people become fans of Kevin, who is basically every asshole in America retarded chicks like Britney Spears goes for. I literally see fifty guys that look just like him a day walking the street.

GET THEE BACK, SPAWN OF SATAN!!!

After this, Britney talks about sex with Kevin, thus eliminating 98% of her audience who only really wanted to fuck her when she was a virgin-slut. I don’t know what it is to us men, but virgins are just so much hotter probably because no cock has yet to mark that territory. Britney Spears not only loses points for no longer being a virgin, or talking like a black woman, but lest we forget, she’s also pregnant.

She’s also wearing a stupid hat. Reminds me of either Indiana Jones, or…

Everyone’s favorite pedophile, and #1 Wilford Brimley look-alike, Frank “Stone” Raynolds formerly of our forums.

Here is another part with Britney dancing.

I am dancing, too.

Now we see the credits, and it says AND KEVIN with Britney’s mouth open. I felt it was missing something and saw fit to fix it.

We cut to commercials after the intro. I want to run away. I want to run FAR away.

I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY, I MUSN’T RUN AWAY...

A Britney Spears concert is shown, along with Britney herself dressed in an evil RPG villain outfit, while singing “Toxic.” Again, not unlike our friend Frank Stone.

Britney begins looking at her knees and claim they look like boobs, but they’re not. Where would I be without the Wisdom of Britney Spears? Probably doing something more valuable with my time, that’s where. She then shows us her hotel room in London, England, which she declares the “coolest hotel room in the whole world” as if to brag and say “I have more money than all of you.” She then tells us the states need to have more hotels like they do in the UK. I hope not. If she’s so impressed by the hotels in the UK, then the UK can keep her. Besides, they love shitty music over there, like O-Zone.

In the defense of the UK, at least they didn’t give O-Zone their own reality television show, though.

She starts with: This is my room, this is my bed, this is my closet. This is the same thing every 12 year old who gets a videocamera for their birthday does. Then they turn 18 and do porn. At least if Britney had filmed porn it’d be something worth seeing.

Next she’s seen having her hair done by some Gay Asian man. Isn’t that the guy who played Liu Kang’s brother in Mortal Kombat? Wow, so getting his spine crushed and his soul stolen wasn’t enough torture for him after all… Britney tells him she doesn’t believe in marriage, even though she’s been married but that that marriage was different. Yeah, because it was a publicity stunt.

She asks a British guy about marriage and THEY SUBTITLE HIM! Why? Because Britney’s fanbase actually thinks “British” is a different language from “English.”

Here is Felicia, Britney’s Assistant. And she is ugly. That is all.

Britney tells us her ideal guy is “cool.”

LIKE CARLITO?

We then see Britney Spears in a car YELLING at her driver because it’s going to take thirty minutes to get somewhere WHILE listening to her own CD. Now THAT is egotistical – I honestly bet Britney Spears only listens to her own music, probably to keep the illusion that she doesn’t suck compared to everyone else with a CD on earth.

My illusion is shattered when she is next shown listening to D12. So this means she only listens to her own music, and artists WORSE than her. She starts singing along. Yes, it’s a Britney Spears cover of a D12 song in her car. If I were her driver I would have pulled over and said “Ok bitch. GET OUT.”

She’s on TRL. At this point I am out of energy to continue. And Kevin hasn’t even debuted in the show yet. I begin to fast forward. Imagine if I saw this live, I would not have this luxury.

I must have fast-forwarded something important because in between all the girl talk and the fast-forwarding Kevin has appeared. Picture every asshole guy you have ever met in your life and wanted dead. Every asshole that has gotten in bed with the girls whom you’ve had crushes on. Every asshole that you’re definitely smarter and better looking than. Kevin is all of them ruled up into one uber-being that got to impregnate the stupidest woman on the face of the earth. The birth of the child will indeed be the Antichrist and on his 6th birthday (6 being the number of the beast), the world will indeed end in 2012, fulfilling the prophecy. Who’s prophecy?

STONE, THE PAGAN PEDOPHILE'S PROPHECY! BEWARE!!!

I’d like to point out at this time that since I’m New York born and raised, I have always been a fan of the New York Yankees. However, assholes like Fred Durst, and “Kevin,” wearing their hat, has ruined any desire for me to proudly display my love for my favorite baseball team atop my head. Why do assholes and stupid people HAVE TO desecrate the legendary New York Yankees?

Mo, Britney Spears’ security (no relation to Sir Mo, of WWF fame, sadly), tells us he hates Kevin and immediately becomes my favorite character of the series. Now if only he hated Britney, too, he would be the greatest reality TV personality ever. Kevin then is shown talking to Britney telling us he thinks “Eminem is a genius,” which is yet another default preset installed in the “Generic Asshole” Kevin falls into. Britney agrees, thus making them two of the stupidest people on the face of the earth – not just in my opinion but now on public record.

Britney tells us she wants to fuck Brad Pitt. Fortunately for Pitt, he’s putting the beef to the much hotter, less-of-an-idiot, Angelina Jolie right now. I hit fast-forward again and before I know it the show just ends, and not a moment too soon.

My brain hurts. I am much stupider for having watched this atrocity. The dumbing down of America can once again be blamed on Britney Spears, and her new Neanderthal boy-toy.

I am still dancing.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com