|
Full House - TGINHOF!
Riv , 2004/12/10 01:09
Original Postdate: 12-8-2001
I bet you thought God wasn't capable of making so many mistakes at the same time...
There are nights sometimes where I'm over at my friends houses and there's absolutely nothing interesting to do at all so we will all just sit there, talk and forget the television is on in the background. However, there's one scenario that plays out all too often when we're just sitting around "being bored," and that's when TBS is on in the background, and FULL HOUSE starts...
Bob Saget = Ratrings Bonanza!
Suddenly my friends and I will stop what we are doing, sit around and wonder how in the blue hell we used to tolerate and, dare I say it, even enjoy this show as kids. In retrospect I have come a conclusion: Until puberty you're not capable of sentient thought, otherwise no one would have watched the rubbish that is TGIF (ABC's Thank God It's Friday) television lineup, which consisted of such quality shows as Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Step By Step, and more recently Sabrina the Teenage Witch and... you guessed it - BOY MEETS WORLD.
Ben Savage, the First Step in ABC's Human Cloning Project, in an attempt to replicate that kid from "The Wonder Years." Personally I wish they'd stop making more Lawrence brothers.
The basic plot of this sitcom is as follows: Enter Danny Tanner, a local sportscaster (later talk show host) with three daughters who loses his wife in a car accident (damn those drunk drivers).
Drunk driver (and bad father, according to "Beyond the Mat"), pictured above (God, this picture's amusing in a sad sort of way).
Danny's brother-in-law, Jesse, moves in to help him take care of his three girls and their money problems as does Danny's "best friend," Joey Gladstone. What happens when you have three grown men and three underage girls?
A Michael Jackson slumber party? No. I said GIRLS not BOYS.
Woody Allen's fantasy? Yes, but not the answer I was quite looking for...
FULL HOUSE.
The basic plot of the show usually went like this: Danny makes a ridiculously unfunny joke about cleaning, which makes his youngest daughter, Michelle (played by the Olsen Twins), say something equally unfunny (God they were some cursed-by-Jesus-and-Creed-ugly-children). Jesse comes in, has an idea to become famous and Joey helps him even though he never asked. Meanwhile DJ (and/or Stephanie) get into trouble, usually from friends or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time without ever getting slapped in the mouth or upside the head for it. Meanwhile Joey and Jesse make asses of themselves, and come home where all three men lecture DJ (or Stephanie) on their wrongs. Then whichever girl got lectured feels really stupid, cries about it, blames the fact that mom died, and they play some sappy music in the background. Then Michelle comes in and she either craps on herself, spills something, or wants milk & cookies and everyone is happy again until next time...
DJ: Dad, I set a small town on fire because Johnny broke up with me.
Danny: That was wrong sweetie. We don't set buildings on fire because it's illegal.
Michelle: Fire is bad because it makes ice cream melt I want ice cream now.
Everyone: Hahahahahahahahahahahah!
Of course even though Danny, Jesse, Joey and the three Gerber babies were the stars, Full House had other characters that were also pretty interesting... Umm... actually they weren't that interesting. You had Rebecca, Danny's co-host who later married Jesse and had his two babies, and then you also had Kimmy Gibbler, the annoying next-door neighbor (every sitcom has one of these) with no life, and you had Comet the dog. Sadly, the dog was cuter and more tolerable than Gibbler.
HUGE Jailbait Superstars!
One amazing factor is that NONE of the actors or actresses (save for the Olson Twins) from Full House ever made anything of their television careers after the show ended. Bob Saget and Dave Coulier went on to become big nobodies on America's Stupidest Home Videos. Stephanie and DJ seem to have vanished forever, and I think the only thing close to fame is that John Stamos married Rebecca Romijn and runs around thinking that marrying a hot chick makes you hot in the process, while performing in 10-10-987 commercials. I think Coulier went out with Alanis Morrisette for a while. Hah, there's another career that died. Coulier is a career vampire. If he comes into contact with you, kiss your 15 minutes of fame good-bye...
Just think of me as Robin Williams... only NOT funny.
Another thing that always bugged me about Full House is the vast amount of loose ends. Such as, why the hell did Joey live there? Allegedly he was there to help out with the family's problems but he never paid any rent, he never did anything useful and for most of the first season he lived in a hole in the wall, and eventually they built him a room which cost them more money then Joey was ever worth. Why DID they keep Joey Gladstone around? My only answer is that Danny Tanner and Joey Gladstone had something going on that the rest of us didn't know about...
Cursed by God himself "uhhly."
Then there was Gibbler. She would always brag about how great her family is so how come she never went home? She must have had some skeletons (or used condoms) in the closet, too, even though I don't even want to think about Gibbler-sex. That's enough to make a man sterile...
Satan.
Why didn't anyone get their own place? Did Jesse not have a desire to ever leave? Was he expecting Danny to die so that he could kick the three girls out and live there with Rebecca and his twins forever? WHATSUPWITDAT? The fact that 9 people lived in that house and 5 of them were children was a scary thing...
All in all, Full House was the show that made me realize that a good, wholesome family can indeed be a BAD thing. Oh well, at least it wasn't Family Matters, but THAT is another story for another day...
When nerds attack...
-- Riv
- jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com
|
