Personality Test of Warcraft!
Riv , 2008/02/28 23:16

So contradictory to anything I have ever said about MMORPGs, I ended up playing World of Warcraft I guess to fill the gap left behind from JasonRivera.com being closed for the amount of time that it was. Unfortunately I’m as offensive in the World of Warcraft as I am in the real world, causing me to get a three hour ban for telling someone who found me offensive that “the only thing offensive around here is that your father didn’t wear a condom.”

That said, I needed to find something to do to spend the next few hours and I hadn’t written an article in a while because I’m grinding adamantite ore in the magical continent of Outland in the subregion of Nagrand with my Level 70 Blood Elf Paladin, who is a holy warrior on a quest and I will KILL YOU if you don’t believe like I do!

Playing World of Warcraft, I’ve noticed something in the social patterns of people based on the type of main character they generally play and although there are some exceptions, there really ARE some stereotypes and tendencies based on what type of character they use. That said, I have listed these tendencies in this article and also included what types of people are the most likely to play them. If I offended you and you happen to play World of Warcraft you can come gank my character, Rivera, on the Jubei’Thos Oceanic server or roll the same side and tell me how big of an asshole you think I am. And now – onto the classes.

Hunters

Hunters generally are played by women, which automatically makes most Hunters drama queens. Hunters are typically people who have seven cats, or whose father never let them HAVE pets and put out cigarette butts on their necks. Most female hunters cut themselves, usually right after being killed by an opposing player. Hunters tend to think they are “really good at WoW,” but it’s actually the fact they play a class that counts as playing two characters at once thanks to their pets. Male hunters are usually bitches as well and end up being dragged to parties by old people or raped by family members (yes, most Hunters engage in incest). Hunters also think everything in the world belongs to them and them alone hence this reflecting in game where they claim to NEED every item that drops off of an enemy no matter how utterly worthless it is. A hunter player’s house tends to look like the set of Sanford and Son with less black people.

Celebrity Hunter: who else but the LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE! Guy! He’s a real-life reflection of every Hunter in existence.

Warlocks

Like Hunters, Warlocks have no concept of “do it your fucking self.” This is why they command a legion of demons. In the real world, Warlock players were literally born with a little golden bell in their hands that they ring to get someone else to do shit for them. If someone doesn’t do their bidding they tend to get really pissed off and send other minions to punish the defiant person that DARE to not do them a favor. Usually if you DO manage to kill a Warlock expect 20 people to show up and kill you. Warlocks tend to have a lot of money and influence in the real world, or be members of the mafia, and can have people killed… in the real world.

John Gotti is a Warlock. Expect that commercial from Blizzard one day down the road.

Warriors

These are generally played by people who have no concept of brain-power – the deepest thought they probably have is “what’s for dinner?” People who play Warriors as a main character have a philosophy of “hit something until it dies.” Unfortunately for them that’s not how Warcraft works then they tend to get owned by that lazy Mage with the really big fireball. Warriors outside of the game tend to be guys who are or were jocks in high school and are twice more likely than any other class to beat or kill their wives meaning they’re all convicts.

OJ Simpson and Chris Benoit both are prime examples of what a warrior is like in the real world.

Paladins

For hybrid classes I’ll be breaking it down further since the routes they can take are vastly different:

Holy Paladins

Holy Paladins love to help people so much in fact that they don’t seem to care when it’s their ass on the line, leading to them being excellent scapegoats for someone else’s crimes. Holy Paladins get framed for everything. They are generally the guys that had a little brother or sister that used to make messes and blamed them. Fortunately for them they can’t be killed by normal means, ironically not unlike the unholiest of all beings – DRACULA.

Prot Paladins

These people are masochists and like to be hit, slapped, and punched in the throat. They generally sit around and take it, and live for abuse and being abused. Prot Paladins are usually that “asshole Warrior’s” wife that has to cook dinner or get two black eyes every night. Don’t be fooled though, they love it. They’re the type that gets turned on by being choked out during sex. A paladin’s bubble is their equivalent of a “safe word” during that simulated rape. Any and all red-headed stepchildren play a Prot Paladin.

Ret Paladins

These guys are ASSHOLES who don’t listen to anybody, so much in fact that they hate criticism. They’re always right and you are always wrong – and this reflects well by the fact that 99% of the Warcraft universe tells them that they should be Prot or Holy. Ret Paladins are generally the guys that never understand NO MEANS NO and most of them are rapists or people that choked a Prot Paladin to death during sex for IGNORING the “safe word.” Ret Paladins also usually never accept defeat, even if something’s impossible or dangerous. In fact the more dangerous and less likely you are to live, the more a Ret Paladin seems to want to do it. They spend 90% of their in-game time dead, and most of the time it’s from jumping off a cliff without using the “invincibility Bubble.”

The entire cast of Jackass rolled “Ret Paladins.”

I am a Ret. Paladin. But that should go without saying.

Priests

Although Priests aren’t generally a hybrid class, they are broken down into two distinct groups because they’re schitzos.

Holy/Discipline

Holy and Discipline Priests are usually the guys that stand behind the bigger guy and egg them on while they kill something and take credit for the accomplishments of bigger men. These are the guys that are serial-plagiarists in college. Most every cheerleader that plays WoW (of which there are only two known instances of seeing as most cheerleaders can’t operate a computer), is Holy or Discipline. Contrary to the “holy” title, Holy priests generally are atheists and people that hate God so much they picked a priest to spite Jesus. Holy and Discipline priests seem like nice people but they are in actually the most likely class to become or be a serial murderer. Unlike Warrior that kills one or two people and lets it go, a Priest will go on a ridiculous rampage leading to the schitzophrenia that is…

SHADOWFORM!

Shadowform priests are what happens once that cheerleader or toady gets tired of being a sidekick and has snapped to the point that they just want to murder everyone. Almost every priest ends up here at some point and most of them don’t go back. These people are the ones who want to kill EVERYONE – for little shit – and whether or not you cut in front of them in line at the grocery store, beat them to the gas pump, or were the first to steal that Adamantite Ore, Shadowpriests are the people that make you pay. Most Shadowpriests were molested as children or had abusive parents and exist only to continue the cycle of abuse.

Patrick Bateman rolls priest.

Mages

Mages are the laziest people on earth but only because they’re so used to routine. Mages are very “ho-hum,” because they’ve ended up in the everyday grind life has to offer, so much in fact that it’s reflected in the videogame, where they can use area-of-effect spells to simulate that same grind, which allows them to amass power quickly. Mages generally fall asleep during WoW, but are actually still playing in their sleep. They got bored three patches ago but they’re just so “used to life being the same” that they can’t break out of it.

A typical Mage battle consists of the dialogue of:
“If I really have to…”
*Giant Fireball*
*enemy dies*
“Ho-hum, this is boring. I’m going to quit this game… tomorrow.”
(repeat until every day as a Mage NEVER truly quits WoW)

Most mages are drug-addicts who cannot break out of this “vicious cycle.” Brittney Spears would make an excellent mage.

Shamans

This is another hybrid class which I will break into three, like I did with the Paladin.

Resto Shaman

These people are people who don’t believe in modern medicine or going to the doctor. They tend to believe that putting aloe-vera on a gunshot wound will not only heal you but allow you to see the spirit of Zanga. Resto shamans tend to smoke a lot of pot (it’s not pot, it’s Medicinal Marijuana!), so much in fact they forget what the fuck they are doing in the game and then don’t actually heal you at all. But, it’s okay – that nice priest was able to save you so it’s all good… this usually mean they are the first victim of a priests psychopathic rage when the full moon comes out. Anyone from Jamaica rolls resto.

Elemental Shaman

These people believe the world is going to end in 2012. They usually partake in wicca, and witchcraft, and have a lot of books on the subject, along with one voodoo doll per ex-girlfriend or boyfriend they have. They don’t sleep much and tend to hold grudges and call the psychic friends network to make all their life-decisions. Elemental shamans are general drab, freakish people that have rock or stamp collections and smell funny. They aren’t roleplaying, either – they tend to actually BELIEVE they are shamans in reality.

JasonRivera.com’s own legendary maniac Frank Stone is a perfect example of this lunacy.

Enhance Shaman

Yes, the name says it all – Enhance Shaman are those guys that are more than likely to be on performance-enhancing drugs and are therefore so good at everything even though they don’t train or go to the gym. Warriors tend to walk up to people who play Enhance Shamans and talk shit to and threaten them… until they stand up and said Warrior-player realizes the guy is 6’5. This reflects well in Warcraft when an Enhance Shaman EATS someone – usually babies. Enhance Shaman will probably never have kids because they enjoy abortions and miscarriages a lot… usually caused by “accidentally” shoving their mates down flights of stairs. They’re almost as abusive as warrior players but never get caught, or the case always gets thrown out – besides “it was temporary insanity.”

Druids

Although a hybrid class, druids can all be covered under the same blankets. Druids are people who have serious identity crises. These are the guys who are goth one day, emo the next, and the next day seems to have found God only for a week later to believe in Buddha. They’re so indecisive that if you make plans with one in the real world, forget it: They will spend too much time trying to figure out what to wear and how to put their hair. Druids in the game don’t know what they want to be: Do I want to be a priest? Do I want to be a Warrior? Do I want to be a Rogue? NO I WANT TO BE A GIANT FUCKING OWL! HOOT! HOOT!

This guy has absolutely no dignity whatsoever.

Madonna would make a great druid because she reinvents herself just to go to the bathroom.

Rogues

Saving the worst for last, it’s the ROGUE. These people are for lack of a better word, DICKS. These are the guys that park in the handicapped section in front of a car carrying a quadriplegic and a retard. Most rogues don’t have many friends in the real world because in the real world they have a reputation for being untrustworthy. Rogues generally don’t stay in one place too long – usually because they are so intolerable in real life that someone has hired a hitman to kill them. Although there are some good rogues they are usually overshadowed by the sheer number of idiots and unredeeming human beings that seem drawn to the allure of playing a Rogue.

*PICKPOCKET LOLZ I LOCKBOXES <3*

Rogues covet – a lot. If you drop change in front of a rogue, he will pick it up immediately, even if it’s dropped in the street. Because of this every Jew on earth also has a rogue character at their disposal.

Alright, my three hour ban is about up now, so I’m going to return to my magical land of elves, gnomes, trolls, dwarves, and people who look like this guy:

So I’m off to a magical place, and remember one thing above all else:

Crit Rating = Penis size. That’s why so many Asians play WoW to compensate.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com