Tammy: The World's Greatest WWE Fan/Retard!
& Riv, 2010/03/05 15:48

Meet Tammy.

I probably could actually just leave the above two screenshots and one quote on their own as proof that the staff of this site had discovered the most retarded person on earth, but for an article almost 5 years in the making, that would just be a complete jip to the millions and millions of readers out there, so let's elaborate, shall we?

Tammy is lonely creepy old lady who wants to meet wrestlers to have sexual relationships with them, (Yes even Jeff Hardy).

Tammy was discovered by former staff member Mike Espen sometime in 2006. If you're familiar with his Fat Pat and Scary Mary articles, then you know that Mike Espen had a knack for finding the stupidest people on earth and humiliating them with the profiles of fake wrestlers. Espen is no longer here, and presumed dead, murdered by smothering between Fat Pat's fat cheeks. I mourn his loss constantly, much like Professor Charles Xavier mourns the dead X-Man Thunderbird. Fortunately Nick Billington, of our forums does the exact same thing and is also British, so much like Xavier replaced Thunderbird with Warpath, we've done the same, although Espen has slightly nicer teeth than Billington.

Espen, using fake profiles of WWE wrestlers Charlie Haas and Randy Orton, seduced Tammy into a false love triangle with the two, which involved her sending many letters, MySpace messages and even naked photographs. Because I never want to see them again, the naked photos are lost to the mists of time, fortunately for all of us - because my penis has never worked the same since Espen showed them to me.

Tammy's future husband.

Even beyond Espen, former staffer, Shank (whom up until now, I pretty much erased from existence on this site due to personal reasons, but cannot ignore his existence due to his role in this), even convinced Tammy that he was her new lover, Don "Chichi" Rodriguez, who was actually nothing more than a photo of late actor Raul Julia, best known for his roles as Gomez Aadams and M. Bison in the 1990s. This went as far as Don dying and coming back from the dead because he was really in witness protection. This also led to Shank acquiring Tammy's passwords and putting up the lovely captions you see here:

As much as I dislike him on a personal level, professionally, THAT SHIT was funny. I can almost forgive him for fucking my girlfriend - well... not really. But that happened three years ago so I'm indifferent now, especially since she did the exact same thing to him he did to me with some nerd she met on World of Warcraft, but that is another story for another day.

The culmination of this entire thing was an Interview performed by our very own The Crust. Keep in mind all this stuff is years and years old, and Tammy's current whereabouts and status are completely unknown to us. Espen had insisted we hold off until he handled this whole thing personally, but since he is apparently dead we honor his memory by publishing this, his last work. The entire interview The Crust held with Tammy Shelton can be listened to by clicking HERE. However, we also realize many people are hearing impaired, and so included below is a transcript of the ENTIRE INTERVIEW so that you deaf people can read it and realize that there are people worse off than you in life (although not by much).

Riv: (incoherent mumbling) I'm telling ya, I'm never agreeing to helping a girl fix her computer again. Ugh. (more incoherent, Ozzy Osbourne-like mumbling) Yeah, what are we doing now?

The Crust: I'm calling Tammy and I'm going to interview her.

Riv: Excellent.

The Crust: Alright, are you ready Mr. Hat?

*ringing*

Tammy: Hello?

The Crust: Hello, is this Ms. Tammy Shelton?

Tammy: Yes, it is.

The Crust: Hi, Tammy, this is The Crust, Huge Internet Superstar. How are you this evening?

Tammy: NOT SO GOOD!

The Crust: Well, I'm sorry to hear that Tammy, but would you mind if I asked a few questions?

Tammy: Why? You with THE WRESTLING?

The Crust: Uhh... no, I'm not with "The Wrestling" but I am a fan of professional wrestling.

Tammy: Either RAW or Smackdown?

The Crust: I watch them both religiously, thank you.

Tammy: Uh-huh.

The Crust: Yeah, that's very much true. So Tammy, how does the women's wrestling scene in Mexico compare to the United States?

Tammy: I.... don't know.

The Crust: Ok, well what's it like being a Mexican?

Tammy: I'm not a Mexican.

The Crust: You're not?

Tammy: NO!

The Crust: Ok, well, who is your favorite member of the musical group RBD, otherwise known as Rebelde?

Tammy: I dunno. I don't know who they are.

The Crust: Okay, well you know that the dude with the orange hair is a really big homosexual, right?

Tammy: Yup!

The Crust: Okay. During your time in Mexico did you ever run into El Dandy?

Tammy: I never been to Mexico!

The Crust: Okay, well what about the other part of the question, did you ever run into El Dandy?

Tammy: No.

The Crust: Well, Tammy - who are you to doubt El Dandy?

Tammy: ...I HEAR OTHER PEOPLE TALKIN' IN THE BACKGROUND.

The Crust: That's just my television set Tammy, I'm watching Smackdown.

Tammy: Yeah, right.

The Crust: Tammy, I'm watching Smackdown! Aren't you watching Smackdown?

Tammy: We cannot watch Smackdown no more, it is on UPN! The only thing we can watch is on RAW or them big ol' shows.

The Crust: Oh, you don't get UPN?

Tammy: NO! WE DON'T! So we can't watch Smackdown no more!

The Crust: But Randy Orton's on Smackdown!

Tammy: HEY! How do YOU know that? About Randy Orton?

The Crust: Because I'm watching him on my TV right now...

Tammy: Well did you know that I was in love with him?

The Crust: You're in love with Randy Orton?

Tammy: Yes I am!

The Crust: O...K.... congratulations?

Tammy: Thank you.

The Crust: So, how does one truly shimmer, shimmer like a girl?

Another Retard: Who's this?

The Crust:: Tammy, it's just me Tammy.

Another Retard: Well, who are you?

The Crust: I'm The Crust, I'm the Huge Internet Superstar.

Another Retard: On RAW or on Smackdown?

The Crust: I'm currently in OVW actually.

Another Retard: Ok, well how did you get my sister's phone number?

The Crust: Oh! Oh, ok! Hi Tammy's sister!

Another Retard: My name's Michelle.

The Crust: Hi, Michelle, I'm representing tehInter.net, and I just wanted to ask Tammy Shelton a few questions?

Michelle: Oh, ok.

Tammy: Yeah?

The Crust: Tammy?

Tammy: What?

The Crust: Your sister's very nice.

Tammy: Well, thank you. She has two kids. Maria, she is nine years old, her son Nicholas he is seven years old, and both of them love wrestling.

The Crust: Oh, okay, do either one of them happen to do anal?

Tammy: No.

The Crust: Ok, so put yourself in this position: Actor Morgan Freeman has just won an Oscar, and you'e extremely happy because you're a fan of his. Out of the blue during his acceptance speech, he announces that YOU, Tammy Shelton, are to be kidnapped at once. Are you with me so far Tammy?

Tammy: Don't... even bother saying kidnapped.

The Crust: Why not?

Tammy: No!

The Crust: Tammy this is a hypothetical.

Tammy: No!

The Crust: Yes, it is.

Tammy: OH YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, WHAT? THAT SOMEONE'S GONNA GET KIDNAPPED? LIKE WHO, ME? I BEEN HAVIN' CALLS A BUNCHA GUYS BEEN CALLIN' ME. CHARLIE AND EVERYBODY ELSE. MARK JINDRAK AND EVERYBODY EVERYBODY'S BEEN CALLIN' ME ALL DAY LONG.

The Crust: Wait a minute, you know Mark Jinjack?

Tammy: He's the one be... well, I was not even home, I just got the message on my answering machine. He said that we'll get together with him, maybe go to Smackdown or something, I dunno.

The Crust: Oh well that would be awesome. You should totally take him up on that.

Tammy: Why should I?

The Crust: Because he's Mark Jinjack. After the show he probably wants you to jack his dick for him.

Tammy: YEA AND I BET HE'S RIGHT THERE. BECAUSE HE SAID THAT ON MY ANSWERIN' MACHINE, FOO'! WE WAS HOME ALL ALONG! WE WAS JUST LISTENING, LAUGHING OUR HEADS OFF ABOUT IT. EVERYBODY'S CALLIN' ME, YEAH. I AIN'T TOUCHIN' HIS PAENUS! WHO WANTS TO?

The Crust: I'm sure quite a few people wanna touch his penis.

Tammy: Yea right, but it's not gonna be me!

The Crust: Well, would you rather stick the dildo in his ass?

Tammy: I think he is a... a dick head.

The Crust: Wait, he can't be a dickhead, he's Mark JInjack!

Tammy: Yeah, because we used to be watching him, but he ain't no wrestler anymore. We don't even see his picture on the superstars thing!

The Crust: Well he's wrestling in the farm system right now. He's coming back, Tammy.

Tammy: Oh really? He's coming back? Why he be callin' me. I wanna know how he knows my phone number. He said that he was gonna call me back when he gets a chance.

The Crust: I'm sure it will be, but Tammy I've been wondering something - does Necro Butcher strike you as a gentle and caring lover, or a rough-

Tammy: WILL YOU QUIT TALKING ABOUT STUPID QUESTIONS AND SHIT? EVERYBODY'S CALLIN' ME EVERY TIME. I KNOW I BET YOU MARK'S GONNA BE NEXT TO BE CALLIN' ME AND I STILL AIN'T GOING OUT WITH HIM EITHER!

The Crust: Tammy, there's no need for that language.

Tammy: Ah, yeah right, what about the other guys saying that in front of my niece and my nephew. That's not nice! Threaten my sister with her kids? EVEN TRIPLE H IS DOIN' THAT. AND THE BOOGEYMAN IS DOIN' THAT. I DON'T KNOW WHO ELSE IS DOIN' THAT BETWEEN RAW AND SMACKDOWN.

The Crust: Have you asked Triple H or have you tried to tell him about the giant daisy you carried to the ring and where you got it from?

Tammy: Yeah, he... I seen him with a sledgehammer!

The Crust: But what about the giant daisy? What are the origins of that?

Tammy: ...You keep on talkin' a bunch of questions that I can't even answer and that's when I'm getting upset!

The Crust: Well Tammy, you just have to try, you have to-

Tammy: NOOOOO!!!

The Crust: Yes! It's the power of the brain! It's a good thing! Brainwaves my dear!

Tammy: YEA, RIGHT!

The Crust: Tammy, there is such a thing. Well how about this. Tammy, what is your Department of Corrections number?

Tammy: How do I supposed to know???

The Crust: Well they kind of assign it to you when-

Tammy: WHAT? ARE OTHER GUYS IS TELLIN' YOU WHAT TO SAY?

The Crust: No, I'm asking you the questions I set out to ask you when I started this phone call.

Tammy: Yeah right. But I want to know how did you get my phone number? From them? From Randy Orton?

The Crust: Tammy I am not in any way involved with wrestling except for watching it.

Tammy: Yeah, right. They can find a way.

The Crust: They can find a way to employ me? Sure they could, but they don't.

Tammy: I bet they usin' you like everybody else!

The Crust: Tammy, no one's using me.

Tammy: ALL THEM GUYS IS BEIN' MEAN TO ME AND STUFF. THEY GETTIN' ME UPSET - THEY OVER THERE SAYING THAT I AM MAKING THEM UPSET AT THE BACKSTAGE. HOW COULD I DO THAT? THEY'RE THE ONES MAKING ME UPSET.

The Crust: Tammy, I'm sorry to hear that, but I only got your number because I was told that you're the biggest wrestling fan there is and I wanted to-

Tammy: I AM!

The Crust: Well that's why I wanted to talk to you, and that's how I got your number.

Tammy: ...

The Crust: Tammy-

Tammy: DON'T LIE TO ME BECAUSE I HEARD SOMEBODY TALKIN' IN THE BACKGROUND! DON'T LIE TO ME!

The Crust: Tammy, that was my television.

Tammy: NO IT AIN'T NO TV. SOMEBODY'S THERE, CUZ I CAN HEAR SOMEBODY LAUGHIN'.

The Crust: Tammy, that's my television. That's all it is. It was a commercial for Frasier.

Tammy: YEAH RIGHT. I CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE ANYMORE. THEY CAN'T TRUST ME AND I CAN'T TRUST THEM. WE SEE THEM WATCHING WRESTLING AND STUFF AND THEY'RE OVER THERE HURTING US.

The Crust: Tammy, have you thought about calling Mr. McMahon?

Tammy: I don't know how to reach him! I tried to write him a e-mail! What's he gonna do about it?

The Crust: Well, I'm sure he could reprimand the wrestlers somehow for harassing you. I mean he is their boss.

Tammy: Yeah, I know but it's not any good because he ain't gonna listen to them!

The Crust: I'm sure if he can hear how upset you and your family are he might do something about it.

Tammy: Oh yeah? Like I'm trying to get up there but there's no was way I could get up there cuz we were trying to ask them if they could come over here? We don't have that much money and we love wrestling too but we'd like to go some time, and they can't have wrestling down here in our home town.

The Crust: Why not? Is it because of that thing that time with Bradshaw and the 13 year old girl?

Tammy: Well anyway I don't want this talk, because they are hurting me and they are hurting my sister and the kids. They are pissing my nephew off and I wish they'd stop doing that. If they want to talk right then talk nice, not threaten, not cussin'. And they don't know how to do that and Charlie's over there trying to beg me to go back with him and I broke up with him. I AM WITH RANDY ORTON NOW.

The Crust: Really? You're going out with Randy Orton?

Tammy: YES! I hope he's not playin' games with me. He's the one askin' me to marry him, after Wrestlemania is over, something like that. But I hope he's not playin' with me like Charlie was cuz Charlie was asking me that, that's why I'm not takin' Charlie back no more.

The Crust: You must be quite the woman!

Tammy: Try to!

The Crust: Tammy, why do I get the feeling that you've partaken in serious substance abuse in your time?

Tammy: From my parents.

The Crust: Uh... ok.

Tammy: I got depression now.

The Crust: Your parents made you depressed?

Tammy: Well, my parents, my friends. That's why we don't have that much friends now!

The Crust: Did your parents beat you with hairbrushes?

Tammy: No.

The Crust: Did they touch you? Tammy, did they touch you

Tammy: NO!

The Crust: Are you a fan of the movie Daddy Daycare?

Tammy: No.

The Crust: Really? How can that be?

Tammy: Well I would say be nice to me anyway, because we love watchin' wrestling. And we y'know... well see I tried to write a letter to Randy Orton but he never got it. That's why he's upset, and Randy is upset because we can't watch Smackdown no more. The only way we can watch it is on the PPV on the big shows with Raw and Smackdown together. We got to see Randy when he sneaked on RAW we got to see him...

The Crust: Tammy, when is the last time you cried?

Tammy: Well you could say last night.

The Crust: Why did you cry last night?

Tammy: Or the day before that.

The Crust: What made you cry?

Tammy: The wrestlers!

The Crust: They made you cry?

Tammy: Yes.

The Crust: Was it something they said that made you cry?

Tammy: Yes.

The Crust: What did they say that made you so upset Tammy?

Tammy: Well, the only thing that made me cry is Charlie.

The Crust: Why did Charlie make you cry?

Tammy: Because he pushed me away, he broke my heart, I tried to get him back and he said "hell no" that it was over, so I move on to Randy Orton.

The Crust: Tammy, you know that Charlie's married, right?

Tammy: Yeah, I know. That's why I'm not takin' him back because he lied to me.

The Crust: Well if Charlie Haas was naked in your bathtub with a bowl of cherries would you kick him out of the house?

Tammy: I probably will! I'd probably kick him in the nuts!

The Crust: Would you kick them or would you twist them off?

Tammy: I'd probably kick 'em!

The Crust: Well do you remember Charlie Haas's old tag team partner, Rico? Tammy: Yes I do!

The Crust: You know that they were a couple right?

Tammy: Probably!

The Crust: No, I'm telling you Tammy. They were.

Tammy: Yeah I know because he kissed him! I saw that!

The Crust: So do you really want Rico's sloppy seconds?

Tammy: No I don't! Charlie is gross anyway! He probably does like boys! Who knows?

The Crust: Well, I don't know about that, but Tammy, how often do you celebrate Racism Tuesday?

Tammy: We don't!

The Crust: You don't? Why not?

Tammy: Because it's not nice. It's not right!

The Crust: Tammy, it's a National Holiday!

Tammy: Look, I'm not judging Charlie ok? I'm not judging nobody! But they shouldn't be judging me!

The Crust: If Charlie hated niggers would you hate niggers too?

Tammy: I don't hate nobody! I bet the wrestlers does! I bet they hate fans!

The Crust: Do you think Triple H hates niggers?

Tammy: I'm not talkin' about that! That's not nice to be sayin' that. What happened if somebody was there? Would you say that to their face?

The Crust: I would ask Triple H if he hates niggers to his face.

Tammy: No I'm saying what happens if a black person was in front of you, would you say that to them? Because they'll hit you! But you don't need to say that over the phone! There's two kids! Look there's two kids here in the house! They're on Spring Break!

The Crust: Ok, do they do anal?

Tammy: You know what? This is enough talking, ok? I've had enough! This is enough! This is abuse, right here!

The Crust: It's not abuse; it's a fair question!

Tammy: I'm sick and tired of askin' questions and stuff. CHARLIE LIED TO ME! THAT HE WAS MARRIED! HE DIDN'T SAY A DAMN THING ABOUT THAT! HE SAID HE BROKE UP WITH HER. HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN' HE WAS MARRIED.

The Crust: Tammy, can you repeat after me? Tammy, I have something, a little bit of a mantra that will probably make you feel better. Enough is enough-

Tammy: SEE I HEARD GUYS LAUGH IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY NEED TO STOP!

The Crust: Tammy, you're paranoid, there's no one laughing.

Tammy: YEAH, RIGHT! DON'T LIE TO ME.

The Crust: Tammy, I'm not laughing - lying - there's no one laughing! Tammy: YEAH RIGHT!

The Crust: Tammy, c'mon-

Tammy: Oh yeah! You probably got the Boogeyman and everybody else after me!

The Crust: Tammy, if I had the Boogeyman here, I'd be very afraid.

Tammy: Yeah you probably got everybody there. I know they're THERE!

The Crust: Tammy, there's no one here but me and my fuzzy pink hat.

Tammy: YEAH RIGHT!

The Crust: Tammy, I'm not kidding. I really do have fuzzy pink hat. It makes me feel sexy. Tammy, repeat after me, ok? TAMMY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!

Tammy: See, you know what? You're doing that. And all them other dudes that keep on calling me. You need to stop it. You and your friends are calling me! Scaring the hell out of me, you're scaring my niece and my nephew and my sister and that's not right! I did not do anything to the wrestlers! All we wanna do is trying to meet them in person, that's all we wanted to do!

The Crust: Tammy, I don't know any wrestlers!

Tammy: Well stop it!

The Crust: Ok, well Tammy - what will you do when you become the General Manager of RAW?

Tammy: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

The Crust: What, that you're going to be the General Manager of RAW?

Tammy: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT??? WHO TOLD YOU???

The Crust: I read the Internet! I read the wrestling news websites! It's all over that you're going to be the General Manager of RAW after Wrestlemania!

Tammy: ME? WHY ARE THEY PICKING ME ABOUT THAT? THE GM!

The Crust: I don't know WHY, it's just that you ARE. They're going to make you General Manager of RAW, and I want to know what your plans are.

Tammy: I don't know! Cuz everybody be sayin' that! The only person that knows that it was... Charlie knew that! Uhh... Kurt Angle knew that! And why, what? Did Vince said that?

The Crust: I don't know who said it. I just read it on the Internet.

Tammy: Read it on the Internet?

The Crust: Yeah it's all over the Internet!

Tammy: And they put MY NAME in it?

The Crust: Yes!

Tammy: ARE YOU SERIOUS, OR IS THIS JUST A JOKE?

The Crust: Tammy, I'm completely serious!

Tammy: THEY PICKIN' ME FOR THE GM FOR RAW?

The Crust: Yes! They said that Vince McMahon was monitoring some things on the Internet and heard about your willingness to lick his taint after he has not showered so they're going to name you General Manager of RAW for that.

Tammy: VINCE MCMAHON IS GROSS! I WOULDN'T EVEN TOUCH HIM!

The Crust: Well he thinks you're going to lick his testicles and his taint.

Tammy: NO I AIN'T!

The Crust: Why not? Why "ain't" you gonna lick the taint?

Tammy: I'm not!

The Crust: Well, why not? Don't you want to tan with him?

Tammy: NO! HE'S OLD! HE'S 60 YEARS OLD!

The Crust: Tammy, calm down. Tammy, do you shave?

Tammy: I'M NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS ON THE PHONE, IT'S NONE OF YO' BUSINESS!

The Crust: Tammy, I'm not thinking for me here. I'm thinking for Vince, because Vince doesn't like hairy pussy.

Tammy: YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU NEED TO STOP IT RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T SAY THEM DIRTY WORDS ON THE PHONE. THERE ARE SEVEN YEAR OLD AND A NINE YEAR OLD KIDS HERE IN THE HOUSE.

The Crust: Ooh, Tammy. That's hot. What are they wearing?

Tammy: You know? GO FUCK YOURSELF! EVERYBODY GO FUCKTHEMSELVES! *laughter*

EdWood: She is a fuckin' whackjob! Oh my God!

We end this article with this, and only this:

Rest in peace, Mike Espen. You are missed. I'm sure Tammy will pour a 40 on your grave, hommie.

-- - & Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com