Smackdown is Riv - 7-23-2010 Riv , 2010/07/23 21:16
It's that time again - Friday night, which means that it's time for me to have no life and recap Smackdown. Actually one doesn't have to do with the other, but I'd like to think that to justify it. It should be an interesting show as although Rey Mysterio retained his World Heavyweight Title against Jack Swagger much to the dismay of myself (and Bunkhouse Buck), Kane won the Money in the Bank Ladder Match for Smackdown and immediately cashed in following the match to take the belt away from Rey Mysterio leading to Kane's first World Title reign in 13 years (ECW doesn't count because the only person who cares about that shit is that fat fuck Tommy Dreamer crying on the other channel like some faggot who just found out Ericka Kane's baby died on All My Children).
Smackdown Intro. I feel like this roster is still missing a few key people; maybe it's because of the injuries. Why is Smackdown the "Injury" show in World Wrestling Entertainment? You think it'd be RAW being as it's a live program and there's more pressure/opportunity to botch. There was a time Smackdown couldn't keep a healthy World Champion for more than 2 months at a time. I guess not much has really changed; Rey Mysterio is NEVER healthy, and I'm sure Kane will be injured randomly just to ruin all our excitement that the Big Red Monster is getting that one final run he deserves for sticking through thick and thin in this company.
Kane is out here to address his loving public (population: me). Kane is pretty popular with this crowd tonight as he is getting one hell of an ovation. Some creepy music plays and Kane tells us about his childhood which involved killing a goldfish and compares it to the past 13 years of not having a world title reign. The gapped teeth and the discolored eye still do a great job of making Kane look creepy as fuck; sometimes it's the little things. I enjoy Kane and always have, so this is interesting to me. The crowd cheers as he tells us Rey was grateful when he chased Jack Swagger off but his gratefulness turned into horror, and mentions Rey's eyes almost popping out of his head with a chokeslam. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my hatred of Rey Mysterio.
Crowd pops as Kane reminds us he "DID IT." They pop even more when Kane tells us he brought the World Title back for his brother, back to where it belongs and back to the Dark Side as we see footage of The Brothers of Destruction. Kane mourns his brother. He says that Undertaker's body was "limp and unresponsive." That must mean that Michelle McCool isn't doing her job very well. He promises he will still find the man who did this to the Undertaker and ACHIEVE VENGEANCE now as the World Champion.
We are told tonight Jack Swagger will face Rey Mysterio in a 2 outof 3 falls match (commence eye-rolling) for the #1 contender spot. The winner will in fact go on to Summerslam to take on Kane. An Autozone-Rewind segment shows us how Matt Hardy and Christian have been at odds as of late for being the two most politically held back guys in the company. Hardy is out here now for action. I wonder how they get him to the ring; do they have the time keeper hold a box of donuts and tell Matt to go for it? Christian is tagging with Matt Hardy once again, and coincidentally has gone back to hyping up the original "Peep Show" t-shirt that was sold after the "Captain Charisma" shirt. He also has black tights on again (hoping for a heel turn). The opposing team consists of Drew McIntyre who has the second best entrance music on the show, and Cody Rhodes, Faggot, who has the best entrance music on the show - that song is just ridiculous and great all at once. God, Cody's titantron is flamboyantly gay - that pan of his face it intros with is just epic 'mo. But I think that's what makes this hilarious. Will this make Cody Rhodes the future of Smackdown? Not quite sure. But it's hilarious to think he's almost as gay as his older brother now.
Drew and Matt Hardy start off. Futureshock! 1-2-3! Kidding... But that's what I wish WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. Unfortunately we have to have a match first before we can have Fatt Hardy get buried. Hardy works the arm of McIntyre and then hits a short-clothesline and goes for a cover. Hardy tags in Christian who slaps the taste out of McIntyre's mouth and again for good measure. Missile dropkick finds its mark. Christian gets only a 2. McIntyre fights his way back up and tags in Rhodesfaggot. Hardy is tagged back in. If Matt Hardy viewed the Smoke & Mirrors the mirror wouldn't just break; it'd fucking explode. Matt Striker tells us Hardy's lower extremities are completely covered in tape; I do not want to speculate how or why Striker knows this. Rhodes kicks Hardy in the face after a charge and tags McIntyre back in. Hardy back-bodydrops Drew to the outside when he goes for the Futureshock. Cody Rhodes gets dumped outside for good measure. Baseball slide by the Fattest Man in the ring to knock Rhodes Down. Christian lunges at both men outside. Commercials.
When we come back Cody Rhodes, Faggot, is taking control of Matt Hardy. He hits a solid Russian Leg Sweep and then mocks Hardy before going for the kneedrop, however he lands on his knee like an idiot and then cries out in pain - well dipshit, what the fuck do you think happens when you don't wear kneepads? Christian is tagged back in. Matt Striker tells us "It is easy to hate a guy who doesn't wear kneepads" and I think over to some of my friends and colleagues on The Impact Players Radio Show that would completely agree with Striker on that one. Rhodes manages to hit the Alabama Slam and goes for a cover. 2 count only. Rhodes hits a vicious stomp while Matt Striker claims that somewhere a "hardcore guy in Alabama is smiling." I don't believe that because I don't think Bob Holly has smiled since 1987.
Actually I can confirm that Bob Holly is NOT smiling; he is frowning and doing shoot interviews while planning Ken Anderson's death for costing him his job, which Bob Holly would have had for life and retired to a career of being a road agent had he not been released. He's probably doing all of this while wearing only jeans and with his hands on his hips as well.
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW? Why on earth does that picture remind me of Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2?
It is a travesty that there is a show like NXT which is all about rookies and this man does not have a job in 2010.
Todd Grisham tells us Rhodes is a 3 time World Tag Team champion. Does that count if his second title reign involved him winning it from HIMSELF? McIntyre is back in. Matt Striker claims that Vince McMahon was playing golf in Scotland when he met Drew McIntyre as he works on Christian. Matt Hardy looks displeased with Drew's offense. Matt Hardy looks displeased at life. Matt Hardy is hungry. Matt Hardy is balding and fat. How's that for Matt-Facts for you?
Matt Hardy Version 1.0 lags in real life.
Rhodes is now back in working Christian over while I shit all over Matt Hardy. McIntyre doing an effective job of keeping Christian in the Chodes corner. Chode goes for another Alabama Slam but Christian slides out and hits a clothesline. Both men are down. Close up of Matt Hardy's taped ribs.
Just think of how fat he'd be without his ribs taped. Secretly these are not taped ribs but he has one of those "ab workout devices" strapped to his stomach underneath in hopes he will lose 50 lbs. immediately. I can't believe this guy ever held the Cruiserweight championship. You know what? Something is wrong with that picture. I need to do something about that.
That's more appropriate. I don't know what it is. It just feels right... until Edge fucks it with a larger cock.
HAHAHAHAHA, I CAN FUCKING DO THIS ALL DAY!
Matt Hardy is finally tagged in against Drew McIntyre. The Hardy Boy that's Addicted to Happy Meals instead of Opium is fired up. Meanwhile Jeff Hardy is over in TNA "COOKING" up. Hardy hits a tornado DDT but the referee is distracted by Cody Rhodes, Faggot. This distraction allows Drew to almost hit the Futureshock but Matt reverses into a roll-up. Rhodes makes the save. Hardy takes a swing at Rhodes and hits Christian instead but manages to Side-Effect Cody. Remember when Rhodes said he hadn't had a carb since Clinton was president? That's because he's been giving all those carbs to Matthew. Drew kicks Matt in the head and scores the 3-count.
Christian and Matt look miserable as Drew McIntyre's theme hits. I don't understand why, it's a good song! Christian helps Matt Hardy up. The crowd would rather see these guys kill each other. Christian instead extends his hand to Matt Hardy because "forgotten jobber brothers" have to stick together. Hardy is reluctant at first but ultimately takes it. This BETTER just be the beginning of the end. Fatt Hardy sucks as a heel because the most heel thing he does is make emo videos on his Android phone at 6 a.m. But Christian? Christian could bring it as a heel and I miss the "creepy little bastard."
Speaking of creepy bastards, here is Jack Swagger. The All American American American American American American American American is pissed off at how Rey Mysterio robbed him. What the hell did he expect? Jack Swagger calls Eddie Guerrero a dirty liar and a cheat because of Rey Mysterio using "ye old unlaced boot trick" that Guerrero had used on Kurt Angle long ago.
Jack Swagger vows revenge on Rey Mysterio and also on Kane for his DADDY! Poor daddy. :-(
We get an Alberto Del Rio promo. He's talking to the statue with the exposed titty again. This guy is growing on me because of the fact he just rambles on and on about nothing in Spanglish. Too bad my parents never taught me fluent Spanish and I'm too lazy to learn, or I would walk up to people all day and do this gimmick to people in public while wearing nice suits. I wish this wasn't TV-PG so they could make Del Rio actually suck the statues titty in a complete "what the fuck" moment.
Layla El and Michelle McCool are celebrating Layla's first successful title defense against Kelly Kelly at the Money in the Bank Pay-Per-View. The sound like a lesbian couple. Layla is in fact a lesbian because she is dating Cody Rhodes, and he looks like a Ruggedly Handsome Dyke Woman. So that mystery is in fact solved.
Lay-Cool got each other gifts. And got each other the exact same gift, and got BFF necklaces. They are interrupted by Teddy Long. Long explains next week Layla has another title defense and this time against Tiffany because "by default" she's the only other Diva on the program. Rosa doesn't count because she's only a step above the custodial staff at this point. They probably make her clean toilets after the show. When Zack Ryder is the best thing to have happened to your career you're probably fucked.
Kofi Kingston is on the way to the ring with Joe Hennig. Wow, someone remembered that these guys are supposed to have their rookies with them. It's disappointing the only thing Mr. Perfect about Joe is the color of his tights are the same color of Dad's original tights set. There is a sick irony in "I AM PERFECTION" playing as Kofi Kingston's opponent comes out here, Dolph Ziggler. I'm waiting for Striker to say something about Hennig being out here. C'mon Matt. Do it. Elaborate. No elaboration. Fail, Matt. Fail.
Vickie Guerrero is out here too. Eww. I can't get behind Dolph Ziggler for as long as Vickie Guerrero is aligned with him and Kofi is getting fucking boring. Now for some back-and-forth with JasonRivera.com Forums Moderator, The Deadly:
The Deadly: Vickie is a milf
Riv: You need help. There are these things they invented a long time ago called eyeglasses. They are also known as spectacles. If you have just one glass it is called a monacle.
The Deadly: I bet you Chavo has stuck it to her
Riv: There are some things you should not speak into existence.
Riv: That is all of them.
The Deadly: fucking her should be one of the challenges on NXT.
Riv: I don't think so at all. I think that that should be the price you pay if you're the first one eliminated on a season of NXT.
While we discuss the horror that is inserting penis into the vagina of Vickie Guerrero, she banishes Joe Hennig from ringside. I am sorry, I refuse to EVER call that man Michael McGuillicutty. Mainly because it sounds like a name that belongs in the rape scene in the movie Deliverance.
You will find the video above more informative and less painful than Vickie Guerrero on television while Dolph Ziggler wrestlers Kofi Kingston for the 1,037th time.
One Zig-Zag and one Sleeper Hold later, Kofi Kingston is fucking done. If Dolph eventually wins the Intercontinental Title this would be a decent payoff. But he also needs Vickie Guerrero to die. I bet Vickie Guerrero mistakes people turning to stone when they look at her for them getting a hard-on. Dolph attempts to steal the Intercontinental Title after posing with it but the referee snatches it from him. I don't get why it wasn't an Intercontinental Title match anyway considering Vickie Guerrero is in a position of power in the company. It feels like Dolph's gimmick is beating the current Intercontinental Champion in non-title matches and choking faster than Daniel Benoit every time he gets a title match for it.
If he loses one more time I elect we change his music from "I AM PERFECTION" to "I AM ASPHYIXIATION."
The Big Show is on the way to the ring for a one-on-one with Luke Gallows. And I don't even have to take a dump yet! CM Punk is out here without his mask, so it would appear that thanks to the Big Show he is officially unmasked and has huge ears.
Gallows steps off the apron. CM Punk tries to demand Joey Mercury who looks like a Shy-Guy in that mask to wrestle Big Show instead. Big Show manhandles Mercury and unmasks him as well.
1-2-3. Is a jobber's Jannetty like a copy of a copy? Because Mercury is the Jannetty of MNM and Morrison is the Jannetty of Miz & Morrison. It doesn't matter because up next.
WHOA-OA, VIEW THE SMOKE & MIRRORS! Are you fucking kidding?
Cody Rhodes gives us grooming tips about nose hair.
He even shows up in a towel.
Oh my God, Cody Rhodes is fucking gayer than Walter Mercado from the Spanish Channel who tells Grandma the horoscopes.
After he tells us how to trim our nose hairs (I actually do have an electric nose-hair trimmer), we get one more shot of Cody as we leave this segment.
WHOA-OA, VIEW THE SMOKE & MIRRORS!
Speaking of people who need beauty tips, Rey Mysterio is backstage being interviewed by Josh Mathews. If you looked like a Mexican Ralph Wiggum you'd wear a mask too.
He says he'd never cash in Money In the Bank the way Kane did, and whines about it a little. You wouldn't? There's a sucker born every minute.
Another Alberto Del Rio promo. He asks if we're ashamed of what we see in the mirror. Not really. I'd like to think I'm pretty dashing myself. Well no, "dashing" hasn't been used since 1923. I'd like to think of myself as "ruggedly masculine" Jason Rivera.
You know, though. That last Alberto Del Rio promo has really good advice about loving yourself.
I wish this match with Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger wasn't 2 out of 3 falls. I hate watching 1 Rey Mysterio match let alone 3 in rapid succession. I sorta lapse into a coma slowly. I like Jack Swagger, but I'm sick and tired of Rey. There's a reason I wanted him to lose the belt and there is a reason I wish that he would take time off. The only reason he didn't take time off is because he fucked up the Undertaker, and also because he's a top draw on a show that doesn't have any other key face; he is Smackdown's Cena and that is unfortunate. Or maybe I'm just heel like a motherfucker.
I keep getting up to pee. I think it's because of that piss yellow color that Rey is wearing. Rey deserves a golden shower, or two or three or four. Come to think of it, so does Marion for not recapping TNA this week.
there is supposed to be a video of JasonRivera.com' Administrator EdWood urinating on Marion here, but it hasn't been uploaded yet.
Rey Mysterio gets the first fall because Jack Swagger did not break the Ankle Lock after a referee's count of 5 getting himself disqualified. Swagger quickly gets another ankle lock on Rey Mysterio causing him to tap. Now he needs one more fall to get the win. Unfortunately so does Rey. Rey slides out of the Gutwrench powerbomb and Rey Mysterio capitalizes because he's like a little lubed up pygmy and gets a pinfall on Rey. This... sucks. :-(
Jack Swagger attacks Rey after the match but Kane comes out and tries to rape Swagger. Chokeslam for the All-American-American. The Big Red Machine now turns his attention to Rey Mysterio who is crawling back on the mat. Kane has a look of fury on his face as he closes in and Rey has a look of fear. Kane picks Rey up on his feet gently and kindly.
Shit. Didn't he just hate Rey Mysterio like two years ago with the whole IS HE ALIVE OR IS HE DEAD thing? Rey's music hits and Kane flips outside of the ring to take his leave. The kiddies love it. No one over the age of 5 does, though. Suddenly as we pan back in, Kane turns around and runs back to the ring chasing Rey Mysterio. Kane manages to catch Rey due to his bum leg and delivers the Chokesl-- 6-1-9. Fuck. My. Life.
Kane is beside himself in anger. I have to fucking pee again due to that piss yellow. Goddamn it. Tune in next week for more exciting Rey-Mysterio-Making-Me-Want-To-Kill-Myself.
