The Incomplete: Videogames Unbeaten
Riv , 2010/07/26 19:20

As a competitive person by nature I can be relentless when it comes to finishing the things that I start. So when it comes to NOT finishing something there's usually a good reason. With the average price of video games being $50-60 a pop upon release you'd think I would scramble to not only beat the game, but annihilate the game and get every possible X-Box Live Achievement Point or PS3 Trophy possible as well. However, there are a handful of games I own that lay incomplete. Because of this I also haven't quite gotten around to giving them full-on review articles on this site because I feel judgment should be with-held on a title until you get to the end of the journey if at all possible, much like that of a movie.

However since I'm itching to say what I need to say, since the masses demand new articles, and since the upcoming August Underground 2 review Justin and I suffered through is a ways off (that is how craptacular it truly was), you'll have to take my opinions on the videogames that lay unfinished on my shelf and my excuses as to why.

Punch-Out (Nintendo Wii)

As much as I enjoy this title, and as fun as it is, as well as an actual good workout that will make you sweat, there's a choke-point and that choke-point for me much like this game's predecessor is Soda Popinski.

This man is my kryptonite. The man of my nightmares. For some ungodly reason I just can't seem to ever beat him. I've maybe beaten him TWICE (in about 23 years or so if we're counting the original Punch-Out as well). Without fail this Russian son of a bitch knocks me out every time, and I don't know whether or not it's because I just suck at videogames, or if I have a mental block caused by watching Ivan Drago kill Apollo Creed at a young age which makes me frightened of Russian Boxers.

Soda Popinski: Fuck you. You're stealing my fun, and it's because of you that I always start my workouts from Glass Joe all the way up and sort of just give up on life every time I get to you.

Eternal Sonata (X-Box 360)

Eternal Sonata is a role-playing game from Bandai-Namco about a young girl with tuberculosis and her journeys with famous (dead) pianist Francois Chopin. It's a fictional story in a fictional world which Chopin came up with on his death bed while afflicted with the same disease. I don't know about you but tuberculosis gets me pretty damn hot, and for the $14 I paid for this game I figured what the hell.

What doesn't make me hot is the fact your main character is a 35 year old man who keeps company with 8 year olds and shit. Chopin is made out to almost be a creepy pedophile, and it's a bit off-putting - somewhat hilarious at times, but the game doesn't always keep my interest. I honestly when looking at the cast can't help but think that this game belongs with the game Justin reviewed called Let's Rape Little Boys Gaiden. I'll probably finish this game sometime, but no time soon. I might even be more likely to contract tuberculosis myself before I do.

This cosplayer, who dresses like Chopin, probably rapes little boys himself, and deserves honorable mention.

Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles (Wii)

I love shooting games, and it's an art-form that's lost in this day and age thanks to those two fuck-faces from Columbine who went around killing everyone that the media blamed on videogames and the Matrix. From the days of the Nintendo Zapper, nothing is more fun than a little plastic gun which allows you to gun down zombies, monsters, or anything else in your path. The problem? Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles is HARD AS FUCK and feels kind of long when you're playing alone. It has a two player option but I am but one man. One man who plays one player games with my Wii constantly while laying in bed with no pants on... err... oops.

Much like many Wii titles this title only truly shines when you have friends... err, did I say I don't have any friends? Umm... I do. Unfortunately they're all busy, and right now my girlfriend's name currently ends in .jpg - so unless I convince her to gun undead shit down with me (even though she doesn't like Resident Evil apparently), doesn't look like I'm putting this title to rest any time soon. Which is a shame, because playing as Wesker is fucking pimp.

Final Fantasy XIII (X-Box 360)

Unfortunately I think the only reason I even own this game is because it's named Final Fantasy XIII. Upon starting the game I saw what looked to be almost a carbon cut-out of the same exact intro from Final Fantasy VII with different characters. After hearing you spend most of the game in a massive hallway and that it sucked, I pretty much relegated this to the "play as a total last resort pile. In fact I probably won't play this game for a few years, and I wonder why I spent $60 on it to begin with.

Resident Evil 5: Downloadable Content: Lost in Nightmares

I was enjoying the expanded content for Resident Evil 5 which features 2 entirely new chapters, including one you play as Chris and the-one-videogame-chick-that-does-give-me-a-boner, Jill Valentine. The problem is they dump you halfway through into a sewer with no guns, a combat knife and some angry shit chasing you. I realize in Japan there are people who play Resident Evil who can use the rinky-dinky combat knife to kill just about anything.

But people in Japan also like warped pornography involving cockroaches and dump-taking as well. That said, running around with only a knife completely made me throw my hands up in the air and say "fuck this shit." Maybe when I'm feeling videogame-suicidal I'll go back to it. Besides, Jill Valentine's ass looks great from the Resident Evil 5 camera angles.

Infinite Undiscovery and the Last Remnant (X-Box 360)

Much like Final Fantasy they are more Square Enix games. The problem? They're not Final Fantasy. Therefore they get to sit on the shelf and look pretty until I have nothing else to play. I think this is what most people do with non-Final Fantasy Square-Enix games. In fact they're such afterthoughts, I didn't even bother to represent them with screen-caps. I don't think I'd even own them if they weren't part of a 2 for 1 special. I'm sensing a pattern with Square Enix games - people just don't care about most of them anymore unless they're going back in time to the older games. I really just think they died out after Final Fantasy X.

Tales of Vesperia (X-Box 360)

This one's a really fun, gorgeous title. However, the problem is it's not only INSANELY long, but the achievements in the game are some of the absolute worst possible on the X-Box 360, forcing you to basically get every item, leave no stone unturned, play through the game at least 3 or 4 times, and the like. Achievements aren't everything but there's a nice satisfying little pop and feeling of self worth caused by having a decent achievement score. You don't get that with Tales of Vesperia; you just get hours upon hours of trying to teach a bunch of characters how to cook between battles. Painfuckingful.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma (PS3)

Currently the ONLY game I own on PS3. This is because most PS3 first-party exclusives are still pretty expensive, annoyingly so. Unless some of you people reading this want to actually buy me Little Big Planet, Metal Gear Solid 4 and both Uncharted games it's going to be a while before I expand my PS3 collection. Still I figured Ryu Hayabusha of Dead or Alive fame in a ninja-action game was a safe bet...

I got bored with it in ten minutes. Doesn't help that apparently early PS3 games don't have trophies. Fuck.

Mega Man Maverick Hunter X (PSP)

Now you're probably thinking: "Are you fucking stupid Riv? This is just Mega Man X from the Super NES days with better graphics and SURELY you have beaten Mega Man X." Yes, I have. And the thing about the Mega Man games is that much like many other videogames I've played them so much I have the maps memorized in my brain, locations of items, boss strategies, etc. This USED TO go the same for Mega Man X, but something has happened to me... something dreadful since the days of Super NES.

That's right, I have completely drunken away any and all brain cells that have the map, boss strategies, and item locations for Mega Man X over the past few years. It is wiped from my mind, got pissed out in the toilet or vomited out during a hangover. My mind is a total blank and I am now afraid of Chill Penguin. Let this be a lesson to you, children - drinking is bad for you.

So that's my listing of games I either hate, or are too lazy to finish. Of course growing a brain and being challenged to do things other than play videogames in my spare time hasn't helped - and hell I haven't even been writing articles lately. I have an opponent to finish racing to the end of a series of books. Yes. Books. Those things people used to read before the Internet came out. I think I'm going to get back to that as well.

At least the Dark Tower doesn't have Francois Chopin (or creepy anime nerds who dress like him) trying to molest people.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com