RAW is Riv -7-27-2010
Riv , 2010/07/27 00:29

It's Monday time for RAW, going into the Summerslam Pay-Per-View in several weeks. So here I am, the Riv - watching RAW yet again and if your name happens to be Jason Haze or you're the blushing bride of GBL, readers and friends over at The Impact Players, hopefully you'll get some use out of the Riv watching RAW so you don't have to so you can enjoy a very Happy Birthday, party it up, get blitzed, and have such a good time that you forgot what happened the next day!

Yes, I do birthdays, I also do bar mitzvahs, except I don't know any Jewish people. (Thank God for that!)

We start RAW with a recap of John Cena being told by Wade Barrett to join the Nexus - to join them. Cena declined and revealed he has compiled a team to defeat the Nexus consisting of John Cena, Edge, Chris Jericho, John Morrison, R-Truth, the Great Khali and a senile old Bret Hart - they are also known as the SUPERBESTFRIENDS.

Cena is out here now to shill for his team. Some people are booing. Cena's words are worthless and annoying, and he compares them to the Superfriends even though I've already done it. Hate this promo. I just hate Cena on the mic for the most part. Fortunately this boring bullshit is interrupted by the sound of BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOWWWWNNNN... Chris Jericho comes out here in a very nice suit with very nice hair. What he says however will not be very nice and will probably require people to pull out a Dictionary or Thesaurus. Jericho has reservations with John Cena referring to this as John Cena's team. He decides to TALK MORE ABOUT WADE BARRETT, literally. He says this is his team because he is the man who trained Wade Barrett. Cena says "Fine it's yours," and Y2J says that John Cena is patronizing him. He starts snapping and yelling at Cena, scolding him like a child, and maybe he wouldn't if Cena didn't dress like someone's 9 year old kid. Cena snaps and says he needs to look at the fact NEXUS IS TAKING OVER THE COMPANY OMGWTF - umm... they haven't been to Smackdown and probably never will. Jericho snaps about Cena swatting the microphone out of his hand, and adds that John Cena is as big a threat to this company as the Nexus and he says once Nexus is out of the way everyone should get rid of John Cena. As the two men are about to lock up they are interrupted by Michael Cole and his glasses and the Apple Laptop General Manager who informs these men that the 7 on 7 match is an Elimination Match at Summerslam now. In a preview of this the Nexus will face 7 men in an elimination match tonight. The general manager hints to being a DX member after saying John Cena and Chris Jericho will have to team tonight against a team of the General Manager's choosing.

Clearly since the Mystery General Manager is imitating other wrestlers it's Charlie Haas.

After some commercials we see the 7-11 Slam of the Week where The Miz tried to cash in the Money In the Bank briefcase only to get interrupted by R-Truth. WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? The whitest man in the company got his ass saved by the blackest man in the company. That's irony.

Sheamus is on the way out here. Someone has a sign of Sheamus as Beaker from the Muppet Show. I made that joke long before Cena did. He will be scouting Orton's match tonight.

The crowd as usual goes insane for Randy Orton. Orton's facial expressions are some of the best in the business. He usually has a look on his face like he hasn't had an orgasm in years and wants to take it out on someone after getting cockblocked.

Jay Uso is out here for one-on-one action against Randy Orton. Given the track record of Samoans and Snukas against Randy Orton, who made both Afa Jr. and Sim Snuka his bitches before jobbing them and watching them slide into mediocrity and get fired this is probably a sign that a firing is coming very soon for the Usos.

Is "Uso" Samoan for USELESS? It looks similar. So, guys! Who thinks Jay Uso is going to win this match?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Collin Delaney, if he were still hired would have a better chance of beating Randy Orton than Jay Uso. Orton hits all his trademark moves. I don't think that Jay Uso is going to successfully complete "phase 1" tonight. RKO, 3 count, see you in the unemployment line Jay.

After the match Jimmy Useless attacks Orton while Sheamus and Orton were exchanging glances. Sheamus tries to sneak up on Orton and Bro Kick Orton but hits the other Useless Brother. Orton drops Sheamus with the RKO and the Miz's music hits. Michael Cole gets a hard on so huge the entire announcetable moves.

The Miz is once again cashing Money in the Bank but again thanks to some new "official rule" this match cannot start until or unless Sheamus is standing. While Miz is waiting for Sheamus to stand, Orton RKOs the Miz as well, and since the bell did not ring, Miz does not lose his briefcase. Why do I have a feeling Miz is going to get thwarted every time he tries to cash in like one giant Road Runner vs. Wily Coyote cartoon?

I want to point out how stupid the new rule is. If you were a champion you could just pretend you can't get up or take a nap and you'd never have to worry about the cash-in.

Backstage Edge is shitting on the Great Khali to Ted DiBiase and wondering why Ted isn't on the team. Ted and Maryse believe that John will realize that Morrison and Khali are weak links. Edge says he will take Khali out himself but Ranjin Singh heard the entire thing, which makes no sense because two or three weeks ago they were running an angle where Ranjin Singh was fed up with the Great Khali and humiliated him then stormed off. What happened with that?

In the ring Sheamus and the Miz are bickering and I get a text message from my girlfriend Michael Cole receives another e-mail from the general manager. Sheamus and the Miz are going to be the team forced to take on John Cena and Y2J later tonight.

Edge is on the phone when the Great Khali confronts him and and Ranjin Singh explains that Edge shit all over Khali to DiBiase earlier. The Great Khali wants a one-on-one against Edge over this but Edge tells Ranjin to explain if Edge wins the Great Khali is off the team.

The Great Kha-Ki is coming out here. He's as big a bathroom break for me as Eve Torres and its tim efor his match with Edge. I tend to agree with the things Edge said regarding the Great Khali who basically looks like a big "roont" retard Indian kid. He probably needs a handler to stop himself from wiping his shit with his own hand and jacking off in public. They do a good job here trying to make Khali look like a beast like he did before he became a guy who ran the Kiss Cam to try to find deformed women. Wade Barrett leads Nexus to the ring during this match and Edge escapes. The Nexus surrounds Khali now. Speaking of ugly retards, Heath Slater is still gainfully employed.

The Nexus actually backs off and lets The Great Khali escape. This is because if you remember these guys can't even beat Kane in an 8 on 1 match or at least couldn't 3-4 months ago. That said, isn't it embarrassing RAW is held hostage by 7 guys who couldn't get the job done on ONE 7-foot tall guy?

The Seven Jobbers are coming to the ring to take on the Nexus consisting of Goldust, Yoshitatsu, The Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry and... JERRY LAWLER? Are you fucking kidding? You mean to tell me they couldn't find one other guy, ANY OTHER ACTIVE COMPETITOR to be on this team of Super Jobbers?

The Nexus is definitely going to win this and then probably run a gang-rape on Natalya Neidhart. Actually, Tyson Kidd, expecting there to be gangrape sends Nattie to the back. Michael Cole has the audacity to call this team "WWE All-Stars." It has Goldust, Yoshitatsu and Jerry Lawler. I don't think so.

Tarver and Yoshi start off. Yoshi chops away at Michael Tarver, even though I'm sure I heard this move was banned to prevent WOOing from the crowd. Tarver whips Yoshitatsu hard into the corner. But Tarver powerslams him and pins him for a 3. I guess that's Tarver's finisher. You can't spell Yoshitatsu without "Shit." Tarver tags in Justin Gabriel to lock up with Evan Bourne. Bourne tags in Jerry Lawler, which is the last person I would ever tag. Lawler begins to fire away on Gabriel and hits an ugly dropkick. He goes for the second-rope fistdrop but Gabriel kicks out because this isn't 1976. Nexus regroups on the outside while we get some commercials.

When we come back Tyson Kid is working on Heath Slater. The Ugly Ginger during the break was able to eliminate Jerry Lawler with what looks to be a Reverse Pay-Dirt after Lawler missed his fist-drop. I'm surprised - that's not a bad looking move for a finisher. DH Smith is in and hits the delayed vertical suplex, shades of his father, whom he has forgotten the face of since he sucks compared to his Dad. Right now however, David Hart Smith is in firm control, beating up Ronald McDonald and getting some major offense. Heath hits Peppermint Paydirt again and DH Smith is eliminated.

Goldust is now in here, and gets the biggest reaction from the crowd of any of the RAW jobbers. This crowd fucking loves Goldust who now has to fight David Otunga. Crowd pops for any offense Goldust gets in however when he is tripped on the outside by Darren Young, Otunga drops him with the A-List Curtain. Not a single member of the Nexus has been eliminated. Mark Henry is in the ring now and press slams Otunga. Henry looks the most dominating of any of the men in this match but he also looks like a Kool-Aid man and makes me want to reach for my Vodka-Kool-Aid drinks. Skip Sheffield is tagged in and boy is that man roid raging in the face of Mark Henry. Sheffield tries to go for the Lariat but Mark Henry catches him and slams him down hard. He delivers another slam. He slams Justin Gabriel as well from the corner. Running Bodysplash in the turnbuckle to Gabriel but this allows Sheffield to hit the Cornfed Clothesline for the win. Evan Bourne and Tyson Kidd, two guys who I would have loved to see work a long feud in the WWE-ECW of old are left. Kidd gets clotheslined in midair by Sheffield. He tags in Darren Young, and Young manages to hit a Full Nelson-Slam (I guess his finisher) to get rid of Kidd. This leaves Bourne alone with the entire Nexus. Wade Barrett is tagged in. We know Bourne is going to get destroyed here, so let's call this what this is: This was just an exhibition for the guys in Nexus without finishers to show us they actually have them.

Again if you're keeping score: Michael Tarver: Swinging Powerslam

Heath Slater: Reverse Paydirt Variation

Darren Young: Full Nelson into Forward Facebuster.

After the match Evan Bourne gets the trademark Nexus Bigger Picture Beatdown. I wish that Gabriel was capable of Air Bourne just because it'd be hilarious to see him hit Bourne with his own move.

Wade Barrett has the mic and he tells us that this was an act of total domination. He talks about how Nexus is 100% behind a common purpose. He tells us whether it's John Cena's team or Chris Jericho's team the cracks are starting to show due to their own individual egos and agendas. I'm enjoying this just because Wade is great on that mic. Sheffield is given the mic and says that any of the Nexus will sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the group, something Team Cena will not do. Sheffield tells us the Nexus is unbreakable. Michael Tarver now grabs the mic and tells us that Summerslam will be no different. Tarver hopes that when it's down to one person left and he hopes it's John Cena so that they can treat him like a piece of meat and eat him and tear him apart until they have had their fill.

The thing is: Michael Tarver isn't using metaphors. This guy is fucking crazy. I think he literally wants to cannibalize John Cena. That shit would get *MY* $60. TV-PG be damned.

Backstage The Miz is rubbing his temple while gazing at the Money in the Bank briefcase. Sheamus is also holding his head and stares down the Miz he demands Miz looks at him when Sheamus explains that it's NEVER going to happen and there is no chance the Miz will ever beat Sheamus. Miz explains that the time and place might be tonight. It might immediately after they face Cena and Jericho. He imitates Sheamus: MAYKE DEH PAIN STOP, AYE KEN TEKKIT ANYMORE FELLA!!!!

He says if Cena hits the FU and Jericho locks in the walls on Sheamus, maybe Miz will pick that time to cash in on Sheamus after the match. Sheamus says that if the Miz keeps pressing him he will regret it and swats the briefcase across the room as he storms off.

Miz's Sheamus impersonation is fucking golden.

The Bella Twins are out here. Since there's no guest host cock to suck this is a one on one match where Brie must take on Alicia Fox. I have to wonder why the fuck the officials in a company don't at least force twins to wear different color outfits to neutralize their blatant switch-cheating. Other than the fact the Bellas have big asses in that good way there is nothing remotely redeeming about them to me. Its kinda sad they have more ass than the black woman on the roster. Alicia gets thinner every fucking week - she needs to lay off the fucking coke. Compare her now to her in ECW. It's sad.

Alicia hits the Sloppy Lady Scissors kick relatively quick for the win here. Speaking of girls who don't have any ass Jillian Hall is out here congratulating Alicia for defeating the Bellas (something Jillian has been trying to do on Superstars for weeks now). Jillian decides to sing to Alicia as a reward. Alicia isn't hearing it and Sloppy Ladys that whitebread mafah' Jillian, honkey-ass bitch need to shut her mouth, sho.

Sorry, for a minute I was possessed by a legless black woman who speaks like old slave ladies.

Speaking of old slave ladies, R-Truth is out here: WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? He's got a huge smile on his face but that's only so that you can see him in the dark at night. He's going to sit at ringside during this match where Ted DiBiase along with Maryse the Mistress of My Boners, is in action. It looks like this week all traces of "The Legacy" have been removed from Ted's entrance officially, other than the entrance music of course. He will take on John Morrison, who got a lot of positive praise for shedding some of the "Morrison" look to look more intense last week. This week he has some facial hair. I think it works.

R-Truth says he is Jo-Mo Fo' Sho. Yeah, dem whitebread mafahs runnin' RAW well ol' Truth ain't havin' it, yessir ya honkey ass white boys.

Ted DiBiase is dominating the early going of this match. Morrison gains a measure of control and a high angle dropkick. Morrison has the moves but it just feels he does not have the support of WWE management. Flash kick on DiBiase. Morrison's going for Starship Pain. Maryse distracts Morrison, which is exactly why he needs to say "fuck that move" and use the Moonlight drive. Ted rolls Morrison up and puts his feet on the ropes, prompting R-Truth to knock Ted's legs off. However Ted quickly drop-toeholds Morrison headifrst into Truth's head on the outside allowing him to get a roll-up win. Maryse laughs at the losers as she and DiBiase make their escape. Morrison is furious because he hasn't had a win like all year and blames R-Truth for getting involved. Morrison storms off, leaving Truth by himself. Looks like there's trouble in Midcardworld as the two men argue all the way up the ramp. John Cena watches from backstage and realizes this team is in trouble as we hit commercials.

Backstage Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton. He asks Orton if he prevented the Miz from cashing in because he'd rather face Sheamus. The Legend Killer/Viper/whatever you feel like calling him currently says that he doesn't care who the champion is because they will be answered with an RKO. (But not a kick to the skull - yes, I'm going to keep mentioning it until I get what I want goddamnit.)

The Miz is on the way to the ring for this tag match. Quite a few in the crowd are cheering for the Miz. If you're Anti-Cena you're probably Pro-Miz, and therein lies the reasoning. Commercials hit and we're reminded someone is going home on NXT tomorrow.

Wow, Sheamus has some fucking back-ne going on tonight. Chris Jericho is out here. I'm enjoying Jericho reverting to his condescending persona towards Cena as well as actually not looking like a total loser anymore.

It's interesting to see the bickering and arguing of both teams. Miz tags in Sheamus against Sheamus' will who looks at The Miz furiously while Michael Cole tells us he admires the Miz. Seriously, Cole drops so many compliments to the Miz it reminds me of Smithers from the Simpsons wanting to fuck Mr. Burns. Y2J chant starts from the crowd while Sheamus and Jericho fight it off. Dropkick by Jericho, followed by a low dropkick to the back of Sheamus. Jericho begins to stomp away on the WWE champion. The Celtic Warrior goes for a clothesline but Y2J deposits Sheamus to the outside. The Miz is yelling at Sheamus for being a loser not unlike the way he yells at Alex Riley on NXT (and Daniel Bryan on NXT season 1 before him). We cut to commercials while Miz continues his verbal abuse.

Jericho tags himself in while John Cena powers the Miz into the corner and these former partners lock up. Jericho gets a huge pop from the crowd as he raises his arm in the air. Chris Jericho goes for a roll up, and when he knows he's only going to get a 2 he turns Miz over into the Walls of Jericho but is interrupted by Sheamus. He hits Sheamus with a springboard dropkick for good measure but this allows the Miz to regain control of the match. The Miz is now working over Y2J in the corner. Sheamus is tagged back in and now he begins to stomp away on the Honest Man. Miz begins to choke Jericho behind the referee's back. Sheamus goes for a cover. The first-ever undisputed world champion kicks out. This crowd is firmly behind Chris Jericho actually. Jericho fights his way back up but Sheamus hits his sidewalk-slam-backbreaker and goes for a cover. Two count only. Sheamus locks in a reverse figure four as he tags in the Miz, keeping Chris Jericho in the corner. Jericho isn't looking like the best in the world at what he does right now in this match as the United States Champion the Miz takes advantage. Jericho grabs the ropes as Miz goes for a cover. The Miz is beginning to get unglued. Missile dropkick takes the Miz down and Chris Jericho needs to make a tag to Everyone's Friend John Cena. Sheamus cuts Jericho off and locks in a camel clutch. After a Miz miscalcuation when he goes for his corner clothesline, finally Cena is tagged in.

John Cena begins your typical "housecleaning" of a hot tag. Jericho stalks behind Cena when he's about to put Sheamus and Miz away and hits the codebreaker allowing The Miz to get the pinfall on Cena. Someone screencap Miz getting a three on Cena immediately. That's fucking golden. Mr. Money In the Bank makes his escape with his US title and briefcase. Chris Jericho stares John Cena down and goes for the Walls of Jericho as well. Chris Jericho tries to reverse and does into the STFU. Jericho is tapping but this isn't a match so it doesn't matter. Great Khali comes down here, trying to break these two up but is speared by Edge. Edge begins to snap on Cena and shove him. Morrison and Truth both come out to make peace but they end up fighting as well. Everyone is pushing and shoving each other. Khali gets back up and chops Morrison in the head just for being a jobber and then hits Edge as well. Jericho is kicking the bottom rope and screaming, throwing a tantrum. We cut to a close and the Superbestfriends aren't looking so super right now. And where the fuck was Bret Hart?

Well it's hot, it's tiring, I got books to read, bills to pay, drinks to drink, and Wiis to play with so I'll see you guys tomorrow night for your NXT recap right here on JasonRivera.com.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com