A. C. O. D. A. T. M. - August Underground Mordem
Riv & Justin McDonald (DP), 2010/07/29 11:00

The following has a chance of being technically NOT work safe. You've been warned. Marion is usually meant to be a third writer in these A. C. O. D. A. T. M. articles. Note that this may have a lot of pictures and it may take a minute to load if you're still living in the dark ages of computers.

Oh no.

Oh yes. August Underground is a trilogy and unfortunately that means Justin and I will be sitting through all three films. Marion, however, will not because lately he's not even able to handle TNA wrestling let alone shock and awe videos.

In case you missed the first one, you should take a moment to go back and read Justin and I's journey through the first August Underground film and if you can stomach that and decide you want to read more of this shit and suffer along with us, then I have to ask one thing: are you fucking stupid? No one should willingly subject themselves to these horrible films. The reason Justin and I are even here is because this is 1/3rd for the sake of science, 1/3rd donated material causing my "send me anything and I'll review it" policy to bite me in the ass, and 1/3rd because I have serious trouble saying no a woman when they put me up to shit. That extra 1%? That's just how much I hate myself. Seriously this movie is so bad that Justin and I reviewed it almost 2 weeks ago - that is how long it took to recover from how painfully mediocre it was and is just to do the write-up and since it's too much shit for one man to handle, Justin's on screen cap duty because to do 100% of one of these is to lose half your head like that kid that was in the car with Nick Hogan when he crashed it.

That's how I feel after watching August Underground, and you will as well. I have to point out we also decided to watch this immediately following an actually-decent WWE Pay-Per-View which Justin reviewed by the way, Money In the Bank 2010 - so yeah, this means the natural reaction following a Pay-Per-View that doesn't induce headaches is to indulge in media which does. This is why we can't have nice things here on JasonRivera.com.

Justin: I see just from the still frame that this is roughly going to be the exact same quality as the former film. Hooray.
Riv: Yeah. Is that a sink or a toilet? Do I even want to know? I'm not sure exactly what I am looking at . Is that EdWood's glory hole?
Justin: I hope not. Because it means Marion is naked at the other end.

So what we think is some sort of toilet, sink, fuckhole, etc. Actually turns out to be a hole where a door knob is supposed to be. These assholes sure swerved us! What kind of sick despicable fucks are we? Actually you can't blame us after sitting through the first film for starters and secondly for the fact that the camera quality is so bad. This entire movie looks like it was filmed with a Motorola RAZR cellphone - if the Motorola RAZR had been broken as well.

Again we're in a filthy hovel as if a pre-requisite to being insane means you have to be a fucking pig. Clearly these idiots could learn a thing about tidiness from a Patrick Bateman or a Dexter Morgan.

Riv: Umm... so we seriously had to gaze upon some guy's naked white ass. And someone is pissed they can't go in and participate? It has no doorknob and he has a hammer. Why can't he just push it open?
Justin: And then we just randomly cut to a different scene, and at night.

Apparently the two people fucking never opened the FUCKING door and the guy who was pissed off on the outside was too stupid to think that a door without a door knob is relatively easy to open himself. We've now cut to outside the house for no reason whatsoever, a trademark of the first movie which tells me that no one had any idea what was going on when they filmed this to begin with.

A bunch of yelling ensues about incest and brother fucking. We're not entirely sure what the hell is going on here, and I don't think either of us wants to. At already 2 minutes in this movie has become worse than anything ever filmed up to and including:

--The Andy Milonakis Show
--The XFL
--Half-Pint Brawlers
--All Those Saved by the Bell Spin-Offs that didn't feature anyone on the original cast except Screech.

Riv: Umm... okay this girl is cutting herself because he wants to fuck her? This reminds me of the end of Scream. I also think it's amusing he seems to be getting turned on by this.
Justin: That would have been really disturbing if there were actually any cuts on her and not just blood packet ooze.
Riv: Okay so to sum up: they were arguing, now she cuts herself, they are now leaving together - what did I miss here? Is this normal? Am I missing a vital piece of the human puzzle? At what point did this become the logical course of events during a relationship or an argument or anything like that? Was in jail when this happened?

Yes, that's right at this point the guy who was just yelling at her and calling her a brother-fucker is getting sexually excited at the prospect of her cutting herself. I can't even find the words here. And I'm a guy who has watched hentai janitor rapists, made fun of burn victims and everything else under the sun. I'm not shocked by this, just annoyed. The kind of "these people should be shot" annoyed feeling I get whenever I've seen a member of the cast of Jersey Shore.

Riv: Talking to him will not bring him back. You cannot talk to the dead. You are not Jonah Hex. Also does he have herpes of the mouth? What the fuck was up with that?
Justin: She seems really upset that this guy was killed before she had a chance to kill him. Apparently they are killing a house full of drug addicts. When did they become members of the Straight Edge Society?
Riv: Yeah, I don't get that. I don't get how someone who is into cutting themselves, fucking their brother, and gets turned on by arguing is so upset over a dead junkie.

Your guess is as good as mine here folks. I kinda wish the two idiots in this film would overdose and die as well.

Riv: And now they are arguing about stripping the dead guy naked. And she is getting jealous of a dead body.
Justin: Touch dick?
Riv: Now they are arguing again about the Brotherfucking, and the Touch Dick, Faggot shit.
Justin: Now the killers are fighting for no apparent reason.
Riv: This is totally healthy. This is how we should treat our women, clearly.
Justin: Is she teaching somebody else how to cut themselves with a large sharp knife? I mean it doesn't really seem like something you should really need help with. Did I miss something about how the female community was upset at their lack of representation in the original movie?

There's a lot of abuse of lesbians here and stupid segments, and they seem to use the female member of this duo of dumb-fucking-movie I guess thinking it will capture the male audience. While Justin claims she's not bad looking just in a bad movie, I tend to have no ability to find someone who is annoying me with their craptastic acting and lack of an actual personality remotely appealing. Otherwise I might have actually enjoyed Jennifer's Body or actually be a fan of Megan Fox.

Justin: Oh look. He's making the guy cut his own dick off with scissors. Unfortunately for them I've already seen Teeth. Not to mention that video that was floating around of a dude doing just that for some unexplained reason.
Riv: I'll admit though, the act of cutting the cock off regardless of where, when, or in what film - bothers me. It could just be that I love my own penis too much for my mind to ever process the thought of being separated from it.
Justin: I don't know what it says about me but that whole sequence didn't bother me at all. I was even sipping Lemonade during it.
Riv: So are they trying to shove his castrated cock into her pussy?
Justin: Pretty much yes.
Justin: And now a video store!

You really have to love the lack of a consistent ANYTHING in these movies. They are always dancing around from white trash killing white trash to a video shop or a tattoo parlor to some random band playing in a garage to people in the car to whatever. It just feels like a bunch of random crap strewn together to say "here's a movie." I hate to say this, but I would rather watch TNA. Marion might actually have gotten off lucky by refusing to watch these.

Riv: I can't exactly tell what part of their bodies I am looking at because the camera moves around so much. One second I think I'm looking at a stomach or an ass, and then I see a nose, or a finger. Is he trying to use ice tongs to grab a dead body's dick?
Justin: Yeah. They may be horribly violent killers but they draw the line of touching icky penis.

Riv: Okay so the crazy bitch just vomited in a lesbian's ass-crack. That's nothing the Japanese haven't been doing in videos for years.
Justin: If only it was puke. And not just water they drank while the camera was facing the other direction.
Justin: At least the Japanese go all in.
Riv: And now she is fucking a lesbian with her spiked-up Demolition underwear.

Really there isn't much I can't explain in just Justin and I's logs, so I'm going to let them do most of the talking from here on in. Mainly because I want to re-watch scenes from the film as little as humanly possible.

Justin: I wasn't even bothered by the castration. It isn't anything I didn't see in an Ellen Page movie. And they did it better then. About the only thing they could do that would be actually scary in this movie is force the victims to watch the first movie.
Riv: It's clear what this movie is about. This is a movie about love. It's love because he and his psychotic girlfriend have common ground, common interests. This is clearly a movie about finding one's soul mate and then expressing that through the majesty of half-assedly tormenting viewers with a clearly pathetic attempt at shock and awe. And actually Ellen Page's movies make me want to castrate myself often. Juno felt like chemical castration due to the fact that it removes all the testosterone from your body.

Justin: Oh no! Not clearly fake inside organs!
Riv: Okay. He cut a hole into her stomach ahd he is pulling organs out and eating them? I've seen opened up pumpkins that looked worse than that. Especially because they just cut to another angle right afterward.

Justin: Why is this dude masturbating like the whole movie? Sometimes you've gotta give it a rest.

I.. I can't even do this, a guy who looks like Jesus begins fucking a body until his O-Face appears.

Justin: Wouldn't the inner acids of the body be eating through his cock like a hot knife through butter right now?
Riv: We could only wish, Justin. This guy shouldn't be allowed to procreate.
Justin: I like how you can hear the friction of something rubbing against balloons.
Riv: His O-Face was almost worthy of a chuckle.

Justin: FUCK YEAH! Band footage!
Riv: It just wouldn't be an August Underground film without them doing cover songs of like, Korn, or something. There's nothing more metal than a show with maybe 10 people max in attendance, band members included.
Justin: They don't need you to tell them how the ROCK, Riv. They don't really need lyrics either.

Riv: They are all coughing and vomitting. I hope it means someone attacked them with anthrax.
Justin: No. They just had a pile of random bodies laying around to rot away into skeletons.
Riv: I am not sure if these are actual dead bodies or they just happen to be spending Halloween at Spencer Gifts.
Justin: I like how this guy they just met at a tattoo parlor and had been previously threatening for making out with his girlfriend is just so easily taking to the fact they have dead bodies everywhere.

Riv: Ugh, Maggots. sick. It's not that it's a dead baby that bothers me. It's maggots. I have a serious dislike of maggots.

Justin: It just looks like one of those dolls that crap themselves without the head to me.

Riv: Oh look, they discovered NIGHT VISION. It only took them 63 minutes and 42 seconds to do so!
Justin: They'll have lost it by the third movie I bet. Seriously, why is Rob Zombie so easily taken to all of this despite having never been seen in either film before. Why is he suddenly the focus of the scene? Where is everybody else? Why do I care enough to ask?
Riv: to be fair this isn't any worse than Halloween 2.
Justin: I honestly just thought we were watching House of 1,000 Corpses again. The cinematography is pretty comparable.
Riv: I like how he is killing her but because their camera work sucks we can't exactly tell what is going on other than an extreme upclose of one tit.
Justin: Well she is bleeding. I think.
Riv: Did he say he is going to cum on himself?

Riv: What is this guy fucking? A dead body? Or the drain of the bath tub? Is that supposed to be a dead kid?
Justin: It is the lesbian that looked like Evan Bourne.
Riv: Oh I see. Look. They're really witty. They wrote "SHIT" in shit. All over the place.
Justin: With shit! Why is the guy fucking the corpse wearing a Stevie Richards half shirt?

Justin: I guess he killed himself having sex with that corpse?
Riv: So they're arguing about who has sex with corpses and who doesn't? Well at least they don't have to worry about killing the people who steal their boyfriends/girlfriends because they are already dead. Oh look, he wrote shit on the dead body as well. Wait, did the girlfriend just turn heel on the Jesus guy after she was JUST defending him and fighting with the fat guy?
Justin: I have no idea. Nor do I care.
Riv: my head hurts, and I don't just mean like a normal headache. I think I am having a brain aneurysm or a stroke. This movie is so horribly boring that I feel immersive pain in my skull.

Riv: Did Jesus-guy just slit his OWN throat?
Justin: I don't know how they managed to introduce female characters that flash you during the movie and still eventually made the movie more boring than the first.
Riv: Oh yay. Credits.

And now for my final thoughts: My final thoughts were that this movie may have very well been less tolerable than the first one. It's not shocking or appalling just painful to watch for the sake of my sanity. There's something about the people involved in this that makes ME want to kill THEM only that I think if I did so I would do it with better camera angles and effects so that people would be entertained by their execution, an execution that is deserved for putting us all through these films.

Seriously the film sucked so horribly that I couldn't really find anything else to say about it we didn't or couldn't already sum up in the pictures or chat logs. I feel like this movie was the biggest waste of 86 or so minutes of my life to date and I find myself both shocked and appalled I have one more to go in this trilogy. Unlike Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, this trilogy will be anything but epic. And will probably end with my brain exploding.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com & Justin McDonald (DP) - excitingusername@gmail.com