Sex & Nerdcraft - A Cosplay Article & More!
Riv , 2010/08/07 16:54

Why do people cosplay? Well for women, most of the time it's for the attention. Let's face it. Even in today's society where gaming is more socially acceptable for both genders, gaming was, is, and always will be a predominantly masculine hobby.

As a result, male gamers (many of whom unfortunately are in fact the fat nerd stereotype like our friend above), will flock to them and give them attention, and why not? These women are taking their hobby and turning it into a sexual fantasy or fetish. They are taking a hobby that men generally have no expectation to ever meet women of the same interest, and turning it into an immersive boner-causing sexual experience to give them the hope and belief that "hot girls play videogames" and "you have a chance." In fact, more and more attractive girls are getting into cosplay while the fat ugly ones bow out - either that or many of them killed themselves after reading Marion and I's Fat Chicks Dressed Like Final Fantasy X's Yuna article. Regardless the change in trend is alarming but it's for one bottom line: Sex sells, and sex sells double to the desperate and MOST MALE GAMERS ARE DESPERATE.

Unfortunately there are just still quite a few ugly girls hoping that dressing like a World of Warcraft character is enough to net them a man. And many of them are just fucking scary. And of male cosplayers? What's my analysis of them? For the most part they're just dorks who have taken it way too far.

Sure I have a World of Warcraft account, but I think the extent of my "dress up" for it is I have a t-shirt with the Horde Logo and that's only because their logo is pretty fucking bad-ass looking so it's hard to be ashamed of it, you know "blood and thunder" and all that shit.

We are now going to look at some of those dorks who are likely pandering for sexual attention of "nice ass, baby."

Actually this one above does have a pretty nice ass, but is it really cosplay if all you did was put on some elf ears and carry a dagger around? Also if you are a WoW gamer and you popped a boner not for the chick in the picture but for the Elder's Dagger of Spell Power she is carrying, you need to shave your nose hairs, put on some facial cleanser to get rid of the acne, trim your eyebrows, and go outside and get some fresh air all in that order.

Arthas Cosplayers

The Story Goes: Arthas is the main villain of World of Warcraft at present time - the Lich King. A former "good guy" and hero he went down a dark path (Anakin Skywalker anyone?) and is now the leader of the undead masses who attempt to extinguish all life. As a result he's actually pretty fucking badass. Naturally the nerds will flock to wanting to dress like him. But will they be successful?

Not a chance. In emulating Arthas' somewhat-phallic helmet this guy actually just looks like a giant diseased, herpes-afflicted cock in armor. I don't think any ladies will be flocking to him saying "cool costume" as much as simply remembering the time Uncle Walter spilt the paint on them to get them naked and run screaming in horror.

Oh look, apparently Arthas is a silvery-haired fag-mo-sexual. This guy looks like he tips his stylist in buckets of cum. I'm not sure if he's there for some kind of cosplay/comic convention or if he just took a wrong turn at the Cher concert. Either way, this one's pretty bad.

Arthas doesn't age but I'm sure if he did age, and thus was subject to the dangers of middle-aged obesity he would be this guy who is in desperate need of the Subway diet, and whose hair is running away from his greasy forehead. The only thing "undead" about this guy is his dick probably suffocated under all that fat and went gangreen and has to be removed - which is probably a good thing as I don't think this guy should be allowed to breed - ever.

As you see here we have both "Good Arthas" (the chick) and "Evil Arthas" (the dude?) atop the throne of Arthas. This is clever, isn't it? They're both Arthas so that Arthas can technically go fuck himself. I personally enjoy the expression on the girl's face as if she realizes that somewhere in the grand path of life she took a wrong turn and ended up here with a guy who has skinny arms, a shitty mock-up of a videogame character's helmet on his head and likely no future.

Sylvanas Windrunner Cosplayers

The Story Goes: Sylvanas Windrunner is a elf who was killed by Arthas and turned into his slave. Somehow his powers faded long enough for her to free herself and a large portion of the Undead who rebel against him to this day. She's pretty much the female archetype for perverse sexual fantasy as it's implied Arthas raped her before (or after) making her a zombie, and she's like the poster child for consensual necrophilia. That said you will find most male WoW gamers have a genuine and legitimate hard on for "The Dark Lady."

Unfortunately in the real world this means women painting themselves blue and automatically thinking that they should expose their bellies. And even more unfortunate is the large volume of WoW nerds that will automatically think it is the greatest thing ever seen.

Sylvanas is the choice of girls who want to be goth and listen to far too much Evanescence everywhere, and this is evident by the abundance of powder foundation and black makeup it takes to be Sylvanas Windrunner. The problem with that? She doesn't really actually HAVE powder foundation and black makeup on. I'm pretty sure this girl also cuts herself, enjoys autoerotic asphyxiation and believes in fucking men in the ass with a strap-on on, as seem to be normal behavior of goth girls.

Also apparently these are women who do not shave their underarms properly or wash them correctly. This particular one also lacks a neck. Her and that obese Arthas above would make a lovely couple, but they're probably either brother & sister or the same person, looking at them. I honestly can't tell if this is a male or a female, and I don't think I want to find out since that involves lifting up their skirt. If they are male there is a dick under there and if they're female they probably don't shave their twat and I do not want to be welcomed into that jungle.

Illidan Stormrage Cosplay

The Story Goes: Illidan Stormrage has been in jail for 10,000 years - kinda makes my two month stint sound like cake. He's blind but can see through magical demonic orbs that have replaced his eyes. He's addicted to magic and that has turned him into a demon that has betrayed his people. He was the main bad guy of the previous World of Warcraft version: The Burning Crusade.

Fortunately not many people actually bother to dress like Illidan which is the only proof that fat nerdy fucks are self-conscious enough not to go that route - except this fat nerdy fuck did, and got on his knees for another cosplayer who may or may not ACTUALLY be trying to fight him off in that photo. And look how pale he is. I don't think that guy has ever left the comic shop. Personally he needs to take the blindfold off and hand it to the women he is trying to pick up. It would work better for him, I think.

The only other found Illidan Stormrage cosplayer is so faggy looking that he could probably land himself a role as a prominent character in one of the Twilight films. Head to toe in all purple with girl pants on this guy has the opposite problem of most WoW nerds; he actually needs to eat more. Chances are he's so into his raiding that he doesn't get up to actually nourish himself and will probably die of malnutrition and have to be fed intravenously through a tube before dying a painful death, and what better way for him to go?

Jaina Proudmoore Cosplay

The Story Goes: Jaina Proudmoore is the ruler of the Human Port Town Theramore - she's also the most powerful mage in the Human Alliance. Unlike many of her war-hungry counterparts she seeks peace with the Horde and with the Orcs, namely Thrall, Warchief (Leader) of the Orcs who she befriended during a war against the demonic Burning Legion. She was also involved with both Arthas and another WoW character at various stages so she is somewhat regarded as potentially being a "true ho." Girls who dress like her probably want to swallow large portions of cum from guys who dress like this:

I bet the Orc Peons like to be "peed on."

This is supposedly a Jaina Proudmoore cosplayer, but she gave up on her costume halfway through and just decided to take photos of her stomach. I'm sure she has also auctioned off the rest of her body on craigslist. Clearly not a dedicated nerd, and clearly not dedicated to doing a few sit-ups either.

Jaina Proudmoore on the right - and I don't know what else on the left. She's not really that terrible as much as this photo is a classic case of "I look better when I stand next to uglier people." I can't tell who that man/woman/what-the-fuck in the middle is, and the guy on the right dressed like the King of Stormwind just looks like a miserable fuck. My sister had a policy of having ugly friends so that standing next to them she would always look good and this is what it reminded me of.

Here we see two nice costumes for some Arthas-and-Jaina romantic cosplay. Excuse me while I fucking vomit. I can be a huge nerd myself - I like wrestling, videogames, anime, superheroes, and any number of things that can be construed as dorky. But you don't see me wanting to emulate Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth's wedding with my girlfriend. Nor do you see me maybe dress her up like Elita-1 while I put on an Optimus Prime costume. You don't see me forcing her to wear a red wig while I put on some ruby-red visor and emulate the wedding of Cyclops and Jean Grey. Really, this kind of shit is insanely absurd. I just don't get it. Does the couple that plays World of Warcraft together stay together? Probably not. At least their divorce will end in broadswords and maces.

Those aren't even the right colors. If you're going to be a total nerdy loser and show your fat stomach, why half-ass it? Go all the way!

I'm now going to present you some random craptacular World of Warcraft poutpourri cosplay.

Man dresses as harpy. This is probably the worst thing I've seen yet. A grown man in a golden bikini with harpy wings. Since Harpies are a standard enemy in the World of Warcraft, I'm hoping someone else who took the game as seriously as he did put an axe through this guy's face.

The Scarlet Crusade. The crimson colors of the Scarlet Crusade who think everyone who isn't one of them is the undead - what makes me laugh is I always comment on how much like a maple leaf their crest looks, and these guys don't look really so much like WoW nerds as much as deranged Canadian hockey fans who got pissed off their favorite team lost and decided to take up arms.

Roundtable of Dorks. And you thought Magic the Gathering brought out some real nerds. To be fair however, I would probably rather see a reality TV show about these guys than the cast of Jersey Shore - but only if they were required to be in costume at all time. Society would also probably better off.

Greasy People. What else can I say? These two should just cancel their Warcraft subscriptions and invest in some soap. That kid looks like he washes his face in the stuff they fry the McNuggets at McDonalds in.

And now for the main event:

Thrall Cosplay

The Story Goes: Thrall is the leader of the entire Horde - the Warchief if you will. However unlike most Warchiefs who want to just kill everyone he's a compassionate Optimus Prime style leader who seeks peace and diplomacy even in times of all-out war. He's a Democrat. So who dresses as Thrall?

...no one?

No one at all?

That's right - Thrall is such a "badass character" that no one who plays WoW half-asses him because they think he's fuckin' George Washington or Jesus or that maybe he will come out of the game and literally shoot lightning at them or smash them in the face with a sledgehammer. However, it doesn't stop the perverted sexually deprived populace of World of Warcraft gamers from coming up with hentai photos of him having sex with Jaina Proudmoore every chance they get.

The gay community is not exempt from creating Thrall pornography. They make him fuck other orcs.

And all that Thrall fucking hentai just leads to my conclusion: World of Warcraft ranks as probably the place with the most sexually deprived of gamers. As a social WoW player myself, as many of the people of this website and who frequent this website are I can say true - I actually played more World of Warcraft when I was single, and sat around raising character levels over and over because I pretty much felt that I should just "give up on life." If I'm not updating this site as much as I should you can usually blame that to the magical land of Azeroth taking me on a journey. However unlike many at no time in that journey did I feel a need to masturbate to anything going on there.

Although I'm pretty sure at least 3 people have probably rubbed it off to "McWife" my level 80 Warlock as I run around as her in her underwear. The general mindset of the average WoW gamer is they believe THIS is what's behind the other end of the computer:

In actuality, THIS is:

They're way off on THAT fantasy aren't they? White cotton panties just don't suit me. And yes, I have female characters because it's fucking easy mode to manipulate all these sad pathetic lonely guys into giving me their hard-earned nerd-money in the game. But take a look at this horrible example, a woman who was offering sex if someone would buy her a mount (vehicle) in the game:

Not only that, but she got her wish and someone actually DID THIS AND HAD SEX WITH HER IN EXCHANGE FOR A MOUNT. Which is pretty much prostitution for money that isn't even fucking real:

And this is the type of shit we deal with. She could have just paid like $20 and gotten it from the Asians, who pretty much enslave their people to playing WoW in sweatshops all day and making in-game money to sell for real life money.

This is what they do under your local Chinese restaurant. While their women are "giving massages" (see also: sucking dick) in spas, the men are downstairs picking up plants and mining ore to make money in the World of Warcraft to sell to the nerds who are too lazy to do this themselves - well one of these delivery boys is going to have to get off his ass because Riv is ordering Chinese food tonight, and damn it, I want some of that good gook food.

And it just amazes me that people continue to use World of Warcraft to hook up or like it's a selling point as a person. Take a look at the loser above (who ironically actually DID meet his wife on the World of Warcraft) and his profile: I play Warcraft, need I say more? No. You've said enough. If I were a chick I would hit the back button immediately at that point. Instead SOMEONE MARRIED HIM. And this isn't the first case of people meeting people on Warcraft, and definitely not the last. I've known of many relationships that have been destroyed by the ones that form because of WoW. The truth is there's a whole lot of "sexually deprived loser" all over the #1 MMORPG in the world, just take a look at Datecraft.com.

There is literally someone on that board that will not date you unless you have Shadowmourne. But that's another story for another day. Another day when I'm feeling masochistic enough to sign up for an account and get hit on by people who probably use 10-sided dice to decide their sexual fetish of the evening.

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-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com