Smackdown Is Riv - 1-28-2011 Riv , 2011/01/28 15:41
Highlight of my wrestling week coming. Smackdown has been on a roll lately. Let's see if the show can continue the success on the go-home show before the Royal Rumble. I'm keeping optimistic here.
WWE Signature opens the show. Highlights of last week show us the introduction of the Corre, yes, with two Rs. In other words someone at WWE creative opened up a thesaurus and decided to find a suitable synonym for the word "nexus."
The Corre's symbol is that weird "O" that looks like it belongs at the center of Iron Man's Body. I really hope WWE isn't stupid enough to put it on t-shirts.
The irony is the Corre vs. Nexus is like Team Iron Man vs. Team Captain America in Marvel's "Civil War" storyline arcs.
Teddy Long came out here and basically said "NO NEXUS." This lead to Teddy Long mysteriously being down on the ground and taken out by EMTs while Michael Tarver, Dolph Ziggler, and Vickie Guerrero all watched. I still have no idea what the fuck Michael Tarver was doing back there. The Corre claim they had nothing to do with it and aligned themselves with Vickie Guerrero by offering to take out Edge in the main event who will be facing Dolph Ziggler for the World Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble. This led to Justin Gabriel getting the biggest win of his career in the main event against the Rated R Superstar - give the assist to the rest of the Corre. After the match the Corre proceeded to hit the Signature Nexus Corre Beatdown on Edge.
Ziggler then smiled like a 7 year old kid and put his foot on Edge's unconscious body. (the truth is he really is an overgrown 7-year old. If you follow him on Twitter then you know he watches way too much Spongebob for any grown man to watch and not be mentally retarded or brain damaged), but hey Chris Benoit killed his whole fucking family and he's still a great wrestler so we won't hold it against Dolph Ziggler.
Smackdown begins. Hopefully they forget to play the intro, since it's the one remaining bad part of the show. Oh wait, there is one more awful part of the show: Vickie Guerrero is here. And worse? She's in charge thanks to Teddy Long being out with his injuries.
With a face like that if I had been Eddie Guerrero I'd have done enough drugs to kill an elephant too. He must have taken one pill for every pound on her. Yes, I know Vickie has lost weight - fuck all of you - she will ALWAYS be a fat chick. Before Vickie can continue her speech she is interrupted by Randy Orton, who is here tonight because he will reunite with former partner Edge to take on the Miz and Dolph Ziggler. They should let him RKO her. He can make the excuse that he thought it was Meat Loaf.
Best RKO ever. Hang cool teddy bear indeed. I really wish WWE wasn't TV-PG. I mean just a couple of years ago Randy Orton was DDTing Stephanie McMahon, mother of 3 off the second rope. Orton comes out here and says he just wanted to show his thanks for being invited to Smackdown. He says that they never got to know each other well so Vickie will have to "excuse him." And "excuse him" for what he does to Dolph Ziggler tonight, and just like Miz will have to "excuse him" for taking the WWE title away from him at the Royal Rumble. Orton then proceeds to put his arm around Vickie G.
I'm sure he would have already RKOed her by now but he's staring at her because he's trying to figure out where her torso ends and her neck begins with which to wrap his arms around. Randomly he tells her "nice hair." The crowd is chanting RKO. They don't mean Orton's full birthname - they mean they want to see the move. When you have 20,000 people in an arena begging you to RKO a woman, you should give the fans what they want, Vince. No wonder your stock is so low. Dolph Ziggler power-walks to the ring to tell Orton off. Ziggler demands the Viper shows Dolph Ziggler AND Vickie Guerrero some respect. I'm pretty sure this will end with an RKO since he can't/won't on Vickie. I call it on the money and Orton drops Ziggler with the RKO.
We come back and Lay-Cool is here. Matt Striker begins to sing the song. Why is Layla wearing full pants lately? Is Cody Rhodes bruising the shit out of her legs while nailing her? I guess I would, too. Lay-Cool is attacked from behind by the opposing team of Kaitlyn (wow, they remembered she won NXT Season 3) and Kelly Kelly. I just realized that much like the Kaval and Kofi Kingston team a few months back that Kelly Kelly & Kaitlyn = KKK. And they are both blonde haired Aryan Princesses. Michael PS Hayes must be jacking off to this somewhere in the back. I hear the Fabulous Freebirds are going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame potentially this year. I also hear Michael PS Hayes wants R-Truth to induct them so he can then perform a live hangin' in Georgia.
Matt Striker begins kissing Kaitlyn's ass immediately because they are in fact dating in real life. Matt Striker claims that Kaitlyn won NXT Season 2. Idiot. You host NXT and you can't remember which season is which? I like how Cole and Josh both commentated the first 3 seasons of NXT Season 3 didn't bother to correct him. I also like how Striker just called Kaitlyn "Ralph Wiggum-like in her innocence." Umm... Ralph Wiggum? Really? Is this what you think about when you fuck your girlfriend, Matt? RALPH WIGGUM FROM THE SIMPSONS?!?
I fail to see the similarity.
Something is clearly fucked up in the head of Matt Striker. And they let this man teach schoolkids. For fuck's sakes. The bell finally rings and Kaitlyn and Michelle McCool start things off. Kaitlyn uses her size to knock Michelle down with two shoulder blocks and a somewhat sloppy slam. Michael Cole points out Kaitlyn's history on NXT Season 3 and Matt tries to correct with Season 2. My guess is Vince McMahon is yelling in the headset that "Kaval never happened."
Michelle flattens Kaitlyn after she is distracted by Layla with the Chick Kick. Michael Cole thanks Kaitlyn for coming and tells her she should go back to NXT on the commentary. I agree if for nothing else NXT Season 3 was so atrociously ridiculous that it ended up being the best season ever. God Kaitlyn has a great ass. That's basically all I could really think about during that match.
We immediately come back from commercials to see Drew McIntyre's Titantron playing. Why is it I see Drew McIntyre and I think of the fact he made Matt Hardy his bitch during all of 2010 and then laugh uncontrollably?
Kelly remains at ringside during Drew McIntyre's match. She doesn't look happy. Her mouth is shut so tight it's in "I refuse to give head today" mode. Unless of course your name is Justin Gabriel at which point Kelly gives you head all the time because you bought her the most amazing birthday cake.
Gabriel is from Cape Town, South Africa. I hope Kelly got tested for AIDS. Michael Cole sticks up for Drew McIntyre and his viciousness by saying that Kelly is a hypocrite because she and Kaitlyn jumped Lay-Cool from behind and that it's no better. As Drew enters the ring, the echoing sound of the word "BROOKLYN" can only mean that unfortunately JTG is still employed.
I'm going to go get a drink, and a slice of pizza, and when I come back JTG should be gone.
I come back from this and JTG is still here. Why? Futureshock DDT finally connects and McIntyre gets the 3 count. After the match Kelly walks towards the ring to apologize perhaps? Drew ignores her and walks away. Smart move. In my experience women don't seem to want anything to do with you when you're a "nice guy" except to get you to buy them shit and then ditch you for whatever better comes along. It's hard to do the right thing in this day and age, but ladies - if you didn't take what you had for granted there would be less guys going the route of becoming complete assholes so you only have yourselves to blame. But enough of As the World Turns. This is a wrestling program.
We're shown clips of how last week Rey Mysterio struck Cody Rhodes in the face with the Polio Kneebrace of Doom. Cody Rhodes does an interview with his back turned. I guess I wouldn't want to turn around and look at Todd Grisham, either.
They better make this motherfucker turn around looking like Jigsaw from the Punisher comics.
Cody doesn't want anyone to look at him or his face. He never wants to show himself in public ever again. Cody claims that Mysterio didn't want to win the match - all he wanted to do was disfigure Cody Rhodes who has a deviated septum and a broken nose and will require extensive reconstructive surgery. Doctors have told Cody that he is not to compete in the Royal Rumble. So Rey has shattered both Cody's face and his dreams of headlining Wrestlemania. He doesn't understand why anyone wants to do that to his face. He was once the most "handsome man in the world." His looks defined him. He made his living off his looks and now he can't even stand the sight of himself in the mirror.
He said it's not who we are on the inside but what do that defines us. Cody doesn't know what he's going to do. He begins having a fit. He tells us a little kid yelled at Cody Rhodes and told him he "wasn't dashing anymore" because of his face. Cody tells us the worst part is right, and that's enough. He begins crying as Todd Grisham leaves. Backstage Jack Korpella interviews Edge. Edge says he takes the Corre seriously and remembers their names: Ezekiel Jackson, Wade Barrett, DJ Gabriel (oops, that's the one they fired!)
Edge says "whatever" and then calls the fourth the guy with the with the really bad red hair, the rock-band guy.
Edge says he hasn't forgotten about the Corre but he's got bigger fish to fry in Dolph Ziggler and the Miz tonight. Edge vows to tear Ziggler in half with the spear. Backstage Alberto Del Rio runs into Michael Tarver and shakes his hand and introduces himself to The Product.
Can anyone explain what the hell Tarver is doing on every single show all of a sudden just hanging around backstage? Yet, he's gotten more airtime in the past three shows than Darren Young has had on RAW in six months just by being backstage. Del Rio winks at Tarver as he walks away. I didn't know Alberto Del Rio swung that way. Speaking of homos Ricardo Rodriguez is here.
I swear he looks like that ugly priest that tries to marry Lydia Deetz and Beetlejuice together at the end of Beetlejuice. And after seeing him in his little undies on NXT two weeks ago I have to question the sanity of any woman that wants to hit it. He's built like a 65 year old man. But he does announce in Spanish quite well, so we'll give him a bit of a pass. I hope Alberto Del Rio is fighting someone other than R-Truth tonight. As Alberto comes to the ring I can't help thinking he looks like Don Flamingo from Punch Out!
CARMEN, MI AMOR!
I wonder if you hit Alberto Del Rio hard enough his hair falls off. Oh wait, he's not Chavo Guerrero. His name is ALBERTO DEL RIO, BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT! Del Rio says tonight he isn't going to tell us his destiny is to win the Royal Rumble, tonight he will prove it. He tells us he brought 39 guys from all over the world to come fight him for a Royal Rumble exhibition and every 30 seconds someone will come until he throws everyone out the ring.
Umm... who? This fucker looks like the second coming of Gillberg. Michael Cole cheers for Seth Allen and Matt Striker starts making shit up while Alberto kills this guy and Michael Cole says he looks like Tim Allen at this point. Del Rio kills this guy and tosses him out. Up next?
Jesus? No. That's Mike Stevens. My guess is that not unlike Jesus he's about to get his ass handed to him - minus the cross, nails, and crown of thorns though. Michael Cole calls him world-renowned while Matt Striker calls Stevens a Brass Knuckle Champion and Josh starts to call Striker on the ridiculousness of his made-up facts for jobbers. With our bad luck we're going to see these guys on future seasons of NXT. I mean how many times did we see Johnny Curtis as "random jobber" before he turned up on the show?
Del Rio doesn't eliminate Mike Stevens but the third man is Kane who probably killed the other 37 guys Del Rio had scheduled out here tonight. Del Rio is yelling at Ricardo wanting an explanation as the Big Red Jew walks to the ring. Kane is terrifying in a Royal Rumble and I believe has the record for the most eliminations in a single Royal Rumble. Is Kane face again just because of this? Del Rio points and tries to tell Kane to leave. Kane beats his ass. I wonder if Del Rio has short-term memory loss and forgot the time he swatted the urn out of Paul Bearer's hands. Del Rio hits his running enzuigiri and clocks Kane in his bald head. Nasty move but Kane goes for a chokeslam. Kofi Kingston comes out and tosses both men out and begins celebrating. Both men look at Kofi Kingston with shock as he celebrates. Now both Kane and Alberto are angry. They're about to jump Kingston but Rey Mysterio comes out here. What a shame. Oh look, he's actually not wearing his kneebraces of doom. Vickie Guerrero comes out here and yells at all of them. Since all four are already a match she turns this into a tag team match. Kane and Alberto Del Rio will take on Kofi Kingston and Rey Mysterio.
Kofi and Kane start off. Kofi tries to take the legs out from under Kane and kicks him in the head. Quick cover. Two-count only but Kane powers Kofi into the corner and tags ADR in. Del Rio now begins to work Kingston over. Snapmare takedown, dropkick to the back of the head, pinfall - 2 count only. Del Rio follows with a scoop slam on the Intercontinental Champion. As he goes to the ropes, Kofi counters with an elbow to the face. Cover on Alberto but two-count only. Kingston drags Del Rio to the corner and tags Rey in. Double-team movies ensue. Rey hits a running legdrop. 2 count. Michael Cole is irritated that Rey Mysterio would disfigure Dashing Cody Rhodes. Rey Mysterio now shoulderblocks Alberto in the midsection several times and charges only to miss and hit nothing but turnbuckle corner while Josh Mathews complains about how Matt Striker and Michael Cole would stick up for Rhodes. Kane is tagged back in and Rey slides underneath and begins kicking away on Kane. Kane is almost hit with the 619.
Alberto outside begins arguing with Kane for not making a tag and Kofi baseball slides Del Rio into Kane then flies to the outside on top of the Essence of Excellence while Mysterio flies through the air onto Kane. Ricardo Rodriguez begins fanning his boss with a towel while Kane gets back into the ring. Kofi is on the top rope and Del Rio shoves him off. Kane begins stomping away on the Intercontinental Champion. Del Rio is tagged back in. Clothesline in the corner on Kofi. Follow-up with a bulldog. Pin-attempt only sees a two-count. Del Rio is now stomping away all over Kingston. Kingston is powered back into the heel corner where Kane is tagged in and begins firing away. Hard bodyslam by Kane who then drops the leg across the neck. Another two-count. The Big Red Machine is now trying to work the head and neck of Kingston. The crowd is getting behind Kingston and Rey. I start to sort of nod off mainly because the heels have been beating on Kingston for ten minutes straight like what happens to Kofi specifically in every tag match. He is almost never the "hot tag guy." He finally tags in Rey Mysterio who is on fire and starts flying around on Kane like a human pinball, knocks Alberto off the apron and goes for a cover on Kane. Kane powers his way back into control but Rey counters with a kick to the face and tries to go for a springboard move only to get kicked in the face and to the outside. Momentum killed. We come back and Del Rio is now in the ring and Rey Mysterio is now the one in trouble. But you, you already know that.
Rey begins to fight Del Rio off of him but Del Rio regains control with a kick. He tries to sunset flip Mysterio but Rey kicks Del Rio in the face. Rey needs to make the tag as does Del Rio. But you, you already knew that. Del Rio gets up first and instead of tagging goes after Mysterio. Del Rio lifts him on his shoulders, Gutbreaker. Kane is tagged back in. Del Rio gets back in with Kofi but shuts down the momentum. Kane isn't at corner for the tag and Del Rio didn't realize Kane got struck down in the corner by Kofi. Kofi hits a cross body while Del Rio is confused. Kane knocks Kofi down but Del Rio is fired up about Kane not being there for him. He shoves Kane and Kane kicks Del Rio in the face, leaving him alone. Kofi and Rey hit the 619 followed by Trouble in Paradise and Alberto Del Rio takes one in the loss column this week.
Matt Striker accidentally calls Alberto Del Rio "Alberto Dorito." Looks like TIP's GBL started something when he started using that nickname for Del Rio weeks ago. Can Alberto Dorito signs be far behind?
The Big Show is on the way to the ring. Steve "Mongo" McMichael Called and wants his fucking jacket back, dude. On a side note I will NEVER forgive the Big Show for Knucklehead which I was unfortunate enough to have to review this week and my mind hasn't been the same since. I feel like part of my soul was removed and went to hell already.
Big Show talks about people trying to make an impact at his expense and shows us the beatdown delivered to him by the Corre. Maybe they had watched Knucklehead earlier today thus this beatdown would be completely justified as a result. I know I wanted to watch Big Show destroyed after seeing that movie. It makes perfect sense. Big Show tells us he is angry and Cole jokingly points out they hurt his feelings and he is sensitive. Big Show is interrupted by the Corre who have the absolute WORST T-shirt design ever.
Diagonal words? Diagonal words?!? You know who wears words on their chest diagonally? Miss America Pageant contestants. I'm starting to think a giant black C on a yellow square on a black shirt would have actually been a better idea. I was hoping WWE wouldn't give the Corre t-shirts at all but it's all about merchandise. My problem with that is that the shirt is so ugly I can't see anyone actually buying it at which point someone in the WWE will go "The Corre isn't over" and disband the group even though in theory they are already more interesting than the Nexus which has about 4 t-shirts already and no personality whatsoever other than CM Punk.
The Corre surrounds the ring. Michael Cole puts Wade Barrett over for realizing the Nexus was a bad idea. Big Show says none of the Corre have the guts to try him one on one. He yells at them all and Big Show calls them all a bunch of cowards. Ezekiel smiles at the thought of fighting Big Show one on one. Meanwhile Heath Slater attacks Big Show from behind. We get a referee in here but he gets annihilated by Slater. Cole says Slater has some guts while Josh calls him an idiot. I call Slater an Ugly Ginger Retard on a weekly basis but I also have renamed him S-Pac, because he's the X-Pac of the Corre. He draws ridiculous amounts of heat just for being alive not unlike X-Pac. Also like X-Pac he is the red-haired stepchild of the group only in this case it is not metaphoric, it is literal. Big Show destroys Slater with a chokeslam and after the match the other three members of the Corre rush the ring. Big Show knocks Wade Barrett and Justin Gabriel down but Ezekiel drops Big Show with the clothesline and now the Corre is rushing Big Show. The Smackdown superstars rush the ring but one by one Ezekiel is taking out Santinozlov, Chris Masters, R-Truth, and Daniel Bryan. The Corre retreats as the numbers finally overwhelm them. It's a shame that they haven't elaborated on the history of the Corre (former Nexus) and the United States champion Daniel Bryan.
It's time for our main event. Michael Cole has an orgasm every time he hears the words "I CAME TO PLAY" over the PA system. Alex Riley is dressed to compete. Every time he comes out in his gear I think Miz is going to sub Riley in for him which actually he has done pretty often. The Miz has the microphone. Miz talks about Harry S. Truman? Actually since it's finally something new in his promo I'd rather he talk about Harry S. Truman than cut the same promo he has for the entire month. He tells us this has nothing to do with his Royal Rumble match. He tells us it means the same thing as Orton RKOing Dolph Ziggler. Miz tells us that Orton can RKO every person in the arena and declare himself the undisputed king of RKO and it means nothing. I miss cocky Miz. Cocky Miz cut a better promo than Serious Miz. Now he's just a woman with really bad cramps and PMS on the mic. No more dissing his opponent. No more "chick magnet." No more "in life there are winners and there are losers." No more "be jealous." Now it's just "long serious promo, I'm the Miz & I'm Awesome."
I'm surprisingly not 100% vested into this match. Although Rated RKO seems to be in charge on Dolph Ziggler working well as a team. Finally things turn around and the Miz begins firing away on Edge in the heel corner. As the ref's back is turned Alex Riley takes a cheap shot on the World Champion. Miz goes for a rear-chinlock to try to wear Edge down. Edge drops Miz with a boot to the face and crawls toward his corner to get a tag. Randy Orton is fired up and back in and begins clotheslining the Miz over and over and hits the powerslam. Orton is now calling for the RKO. The Viper was ready to strike but we hit commercials and when we came back Dolph Ziggler somehow got into this match and prevented Orton from hitting the RKO by yanking him out of the ring by his feet. Miz is tagged back in and applies a rear chinlock to Randy Orton. The crowd gets behind Orton who tries to fight up. Headbutt to the Miz but Miz manages to hit a kneelift and goes for a cover. Miz now mounts Randy Orton and begins firing away. Aggressive display by the Miz. Miz hits the backbreaker-neckbreaker combination and goes for a cover. Two count. Orton is in trouble in the corner. Miz goes for his running clothesline but Orton counters with a clothesline of his own and now both men need to make a tag. Dolph and Edge make it to the ring. Edge is fired up. Ziggler is dropped on his face. Edge knocks Miz off the mat. Edge gets the crazy eye as he sizes Dolph up for the spear. Alex Riley tries to run interference and gets punched in the face. Edge is in control but the Miz disposes of him. Orton takes Miz to the outside and runs Alex Riley over. Ziggler goes for theZig-Zag but Edge hits the spear and gets the win.
Vickie is beside herself and goes for a mic. At this point Vickie Guerrero bans the spear from use not unlike when she banned the Undertaker's Hells Gate submission. I'm hoping that since Vickie banned the spear that Edge decides to be a smartass and use Hell's Gate on Ziggler at the Royal Rumble since it isn't banned anymore in storylines. Vickie Guerrero adds that the spear will not only get disqualified but if he uses the spear at the Royal Rumble he will lose the title. Edge's response is to hit Dolph Ziggler with another spear since the match is over. Edge glances at the fallen Ziggler and the Ugly Vickie. He sizes Dolph up again and hits him with a third spear. Edge has the crazy eye. Do it again! He turns around with a maddened look in his eyes because the crowd is chanting ONE MORE TIME. Vickie tries to stand in Edge's way. Edge hits Dolph with a fourth spear. Vickie sneers at Edge as he poses over the fallen body of the number one contender. Nice finish. I'm intrigued for this Royal Rumble. How will the Road to Wrestlemania map out? Find out Sunday and read here on Monday.