Smackdown Is Riv - 3-18-2011
Riv , 2011/03/18 15:43

Smackdown is up next, and after a TNA with only 12 minutes of actual wrestling, I hope that Smackdown brings us a little balance to the mix and keeps it light on the "what happened on RAW" segments. Sometimes I totally need a vacation from this shit.

Here's the WWE signature. Half these old fuckers in the signature are back now, which makes it funny. Naturally the old dudes in black and white aren't but that's just because Vince McMahon hasn't perfected necromancy yet.

Green Day is still introing Smackdown. Is Green Day even still putting out new music? Do they do ANYTHING other than irritate me by existing because of this song? We're immediately told this:

Umm... on the commercials all week you said Edge & Christian had the tag title match, but now we have to watch the two Big Bathroom Breaks take on The Metrosexual Version of Commander Ryker from Star Trek and The Ugly Ginger Retard? Ladies and Gentlemen, the tag team of the Big Show and Kane - for when you have to take an even bigger dump than what normally comes out of your ass.

Even though Jerry Lawler is not on this program, Michael Cole is having the concrete crypt Cole Mine constructed. The only thing the Cole Mine is missing is a few Chillean miners to be stuck in the box with him.

Umm... why are they naked?

I wonder if the Cole Mine is bullet-proof as Booker T looks on offended. I hope Michael Cole doesn't plan to start eating Wendy's in there. Josh just sort of sits there completely embarassed by Cole for the 2000th week in a row. He sort of gets this look like "if you ignore Michael Cole he will go away."

The show starts with Edge. Except for some reason technical difficulties seem to be replaying the Smackdown intro graphic over the show. Edge has a match right now against Brodus Clay. He is accompanied by both Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez. I don't dislike Brodus but Alberto has too many ways to win between Brodus and Ricardo now. Booker puts Brodus over. Edge starts off on offense but Brodus folds him up and drops Edge to the mat. Here come the clubbing blows to the back as Brodus begins to step on the shoulder of Edge. Brodus is focusing on the arm and shoulder presumably to soften it up for Del Rio. At one point Edge even tries to sunset Brodus only for Clay to sit right on Edge's chest. Brodus pulls Edge to the corner and goes for the Umaga Running Ass Crush. After he misses, Edge drops Brodus with a bulldog from the top. Edge sizes Brodus up, but Ricardo distracts referee Scott Armstrong. Del Rio tries to distract Edge from the spear attempt and Brodus is able to floor Edge. Edge barely kicks out. Christian rushes out here to thwart Del Rio. Brodus knocks Christian off the apron and Edge hits the spear for a 3 count. After the match Del Rio dropkicks Edge. Christian rushes Del Rio off him and begins firing away on the Essence of Excellence. Christian jumps on Del Rio on top of the announce table. Christian won't get off Del Rio because he is out for blood. Teddy Long's music hits. The referees break it up and Teddy Long makes a 1 on 1 match between Christian and Alberto Del Rio. He means 1-on-1 so he's decided to make this a steel cage match to prevent Ricardo and Brodus from getting involved. We're told up next Sheamus and Kofi Kingston will fight - U.S. Champion vs. I.C. Champion. Sheamus won the U.S. Title on RAW Monday because his powers are growing ever-stronger the closer we have gotten to St. Patrick's Day. Since St. Patrick's Day is yesterday Sheamus is now at full power by the Celtic Gods and can now resume his intended purpose of Brogue Kicking Evan Bourne to death every week.

Kofi Kingston hasn't been seen in weeks after Alberto Del Rio made the Intercontinental Champion his bitch. Literally only Booker cares about Kofi anymore. Booker says Kofi is taking bad matches and Cole snaps and points out it's Teddy Long who makes these matches and that Kofi is the Intercontinental Champion and should be taking on all comers with no excuses needed. He adds that nothing Booker says makes sense. That's true. Kofi mounts Sheamus in the corner and Sheamus counters and dumps Kofi behind him on Kofi's head on the top turnbuckle. Sheamus hits a short-clothesline. The Celtic Warrior goes for a cover. 2 count. Neckbreaker by The former WWE Champion, Sheamus. Another 2 count. Sheamus hits a running back elbow and takes Kofi down again. Elbow to the back of Kofi's head next. Kingston is in trouble but he tries to reverse with a roll-through but gets a kick to the gut for his trouble. Kingston catches Sheamus with a kick in the corner and as Sheamus is trying to shake the cobwebs off, Kingston goes to the top rope and hits a high air cross body but Sheamus actually CATCHES Kofi and is about to for a power-slam. Kofi slides out and begins firing away with lefts and rights. Kingston leaps over Sheamus after a whip to the rope and hits a Russian Leg Sweep then a clothesline of his own. Kofi's fired up. Booker T begins to get an erection as Kofi hits the Boom Drop.

Kofi is calling up to the crowd and Michael Cole says Kofi's playing to the crowd gave Sheamus recovery time. Sheamus is back up and rushes Kingston. Kofi hits the S.O.S. but it's too close to the ropes and Sheamus is able to put his hands on the bottom rope. Sheamus slides to the outside and Kingston pursues and uses the stairs to vault himself into a running clothesline. Sheamus is trying to get distance between him and Kofi. He sets a dislodged barricade on the stairs then kicks it hard with his legs to take Kofi's leg out. When it gets in the ring Sheamus hits a NASTY Brogue Kick that KOs Kofi for the three.

Josh Mathews takes us back to a few weeks ago when the Corre tried to get Kane to help them with the Big Show. Kane turned on the Corre when Gabriel was shoved into Kane. Last week The Corre jumped Kane during his match with Wade Barrett. Big Show came out and cleared the ring but then gave Kane a chairshot as well. Backstage the Big Red Machine and Kane are having a discussion. Big Show says the last time Big Show and Kane were the tag team champions everyone used to quake and shake in their boots. Well... now we know what's responsible for the mess in Japan. Kane reaches for Big Show's neck. Big Show repays the favor.

I don't believe this means they are enemies. I just think this is some kind of Huge Sack of Shit Mating Ritual. Both men stalemate here and Kane begins laughing and then tells the Big Show "You complete me." No, I am not making this up. That is legitimately what he said. I told you they were going to be gay together. Big Show begins laughing too. Luckily we fade to black. I mean this is STILL basic cable television.

Oh look, Trent Barreta has new tights. I mention this because he felt it was important we give his new tights the respect they deserve on Twitter. I guess now that Caylen Croft is fired he doesn't need to write TRENT on them so that people can tell the difference anymore.

His opponent?

WHOA-OA... Wait, where the fuck is the rest of it and why is the "Whoa-Oa" slowed down?

Cody Rhodes has completed his transformation into Victor Von Doom. And not even the good one, the faggy one from the movies. The guy from Nip-Tuck & Charmed. It's okay though. Maybe he will become Ultimate Alliance Dr. Doom and he will take over WWE's home office and replace all the logos with the Dashing Cody Rhodes logo and brainwash everyone to mark out for him. Yes, Dr. Doom actually did that. It's a great game and you can get it for like $10.00 so go do that.

What the fuck is up with this Muzak version of his theme? He also still has his mirror. I'm pretty sure this angle is temporary. It better be. NO ONE messes with Smoke & Mirrors. Rhodes fires away immediately on Barreta and then heabdutts him with the prosthetic mask. Michael Cole is outraged this is happening to Cody Rhodes because he doesn't get to yell "CROSS RHODES!" excitedly every time Cody uses it. Rhodes headbutts Barreta a second time. Rhodes lifts Barreta up a third time and then gets the pin. This is a bit absurd. If it gets any worse, there are going to be "Dashing" versions of Druids in his entrance at Wrestlemania. Booker says Cody Rhodes needs to be medicated. It's the first smart thing Booker has said all year.

We get more Shawn Michaels talking in pre-taped segments. Thankfully I watch this on Youtube to fast forward. Up next, Lay-Cool. Layla is in one-on-one action again against Kelly Kelly. Michelle McCool offers guest commentary.

That is the single gayest thing I have seen this week.

Michelle calls Snooki a meatball and tells us she is famous for doing absolutely nothing. Michelle wants to know how Snooki can steal a spotlight when she is 5 inches tall. Michelle begins bashing Trish as the match continues inside. Layla is being choked by Kelly in a leglock in the ropes. Kelly is dominating Layla in the early going and uses the Lou Thesz press. Clothesline by Kelly. Head-takedown by Kelly. Boot to the gut. X-Factor by Kelly. She's on fire. This is scary. She's improved a lot though. Kelly goes for the handspring elbow in the corner but Layla boots her in the head. Kelly is back in control and begins ramming Layla's face in the mat over and over again. Speaking of face, I wonder if Cody wears the faceguard during sex with Layla. Michelle yells GET OFF MY FRIEND while Kelly is on the top rope and Kelly pays attention. This allows Layla to trip Kelly off the top rope and get a pin after having virtually zero offense whatsoever.

Yes Heath you are in fact THAT ugly.

They've changed the Corre's music way too much. It feels like this is some kind of Nickelback version of their theme. Big Show rushes the ring and up next? Kane. Gabriel starts things off with Kane and begins dominated early on. It was less than a full year ago that all eight NXT Season 1 rookies couldn't beat Kane together. Gabriel and Slater were two of those eight. This match is sort of a train-wreck. Big Show is tagged in after the champs manage to work over Kane's leg a little. Big Show is fired up and killing them both. Slater is being abused like a red-headed stepchild... oh, wait. Chokeslam by the Big Show but Gabriel snatches the referee out of the ring to break up the 3 which saves the Tag Team Championships by disqualification. Kane tosses Gabriel into the ring where he is about to be chokeslammed but Ezekiel clotheslines Big Show and Wade Barrett takes out Kane on the outside. The Corre is now back up to full strength and Wade Barrett hits Wasteland on Big Show, albeit somewhat sloppy. Ezekiel rushes Kane but the Big Red Machine puts up a fight until the rest of the Corre joins in. Kane is tossed into the steel steps. The steps are then put on top of Kane. Big Show is trying to get to his feet but gets a boot to the face by Wade Barrett. The stairs are held down on Kane while wade slams the OTHER segment of the stairs into Kane and the top layer. I think I shall name this the Con-Stair-To.

Booker cries out: SOMEBODY NEED TO CALL DA PO'LICE!

I admit, I laughed pretty hard at that.

Big Show is lifted up and double backdropped by Wade and Ezekiel into the announce-table, which didn't actually break. I'm a bit disappointed they didn't drag one of them in and have Justin Gabriel look like a maniac while delivering the 450. It's probably because after doing it in every single beatdown the crowd actually pops for it.

Todd Grisham is backstage interviewing Alberto Del Rio who is not happy because Teddy Long is trying to interfere with his destiny.

CHECK ONE-TWO. AWWWW YEAH! Well, even if Cody's theme is gone at least I have Swagger's to mark out for. Jack Swagger is taking on Chris Masters who is the master of doing nothing. Michael Cole directs our attention to the AnCole Lock he applied on Jim Ross on Monday. Swagger begins working over Chris Masters. How sad is it that it took Michael Cole to make the All-American American Jack Swagger relevant again? Swagger almost gets locked into the Masterlock but powers Masters into the corner, which is the same thing that has broken the Masterlock attempt 75 times. Masters evades the ankle-lock but Swagger goes to the outside and begins slamming the ankle of Masters against ring post and kicks it for good measure. Masters gets the ankle lock in the middle of the ring and submits. CHECK ONE-TWO. AWWWW YEAH!

After the match Michael Cole gets into the ring and locks the AnCole Lock on Masters too. This is what Chris Masters has been reduced to. Cole yells "C'MON LAWLER" 50 times while it's locked in.

YES! THE SWAGGER EAGLE TAUNT. Wow, Masters got embarrassed worse than JTG does just by being JTG every week.

Speaking of little men I don't care about, Rey Mysterio is on the way out here. As a card-carrying Reycist I don't want to see it. We're shown three weeks ago when Dusty Rhodes and his son Dashingly Deformed Cody Rhodes set Rey up. Rey Mysterio is fighting Ted DiBiase who is suddenly managed by Maryse again despite being dumped and removing himself from NXT for the past month even though he was a pro. This is because they really have nothing left for Ted whatsoever EXCEPT for Maryse. Josh covers this up by saying they are on-again-off-again. Basically this is Rey about to job out Cody Rhodes' former tag team partner.

Rey jumps from the top rope and Ted DiBiase hits with a great dropkick from mid-air which makes the crowd react. How the fuck come despite getting that kind of reaction DiBiase is almost a JTG-level jobber. I think Zack Ryder has a better win-loss record this year than Ted DiBiase does. Ted hits a nasty clothesline. Two-count. DiBiase tries to keep Mysterio grounded. Rey fights up. DiBiase with a backbreaker variation and a knee to the back. DiBiase is countered into a DDT by Rey Mysterio. Spinning headscissors comes next. He goes for it a second time and DiBiase counters into a facebuster. Two count. I'll give Rey that at least he's letting Ted get some good offense in. With this kind of offense though it makes the face Ted DiBiase is jobbing so much even more baffling. Ted goes for Dream Street and isn't able to hit it. Instead... He's countered into the 619 and the dive from the top. He gets hit with a three count and Maryse breaks up with Ted DiBiase for the 5000th time this month.

Recaps of Snooki's appearance on RAW are shown. I can see how Michelle called Snooki a meatball. She looks like Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force with long black hair and in leopard print. For those of you wondering why this is happening, it's because Snooki on RAW is getting WWE a lot of mainstream attention - you know from all the people who gave up on wrestling when it stopped being "in."

We get run down on what's on the card for Wrestlemania 27 is currently. I doubt they will add any more matches but I could be wrong:

Snooki, Trish Stratus & John Morrison vs. Lay-Cool & Dolph Ziggler.

WWE Championship Match: John Cena vs. The Miz

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

No Holds Barred: The Undertaker vs. Triple H

World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge

It's time for the steel cage match. I have to wonder if the door is sealed though. Couldn't Brodus or Ricardo just go through the door since most cage matches are open/close the door to leave in WWE? Christian is fired up and going to work on Del Rio in the early going. Christian goes for the Unprettier quick but Del Rio fires Christian into the corner and clotheslines him. Christian tries to counter with a whip to the turnbuckle and Albeto jumps and tries to climb and escape the cage earlier. Christian pursues and the two men are fighting while teetering on the ropes. Alberto is trying to German Suplex Christian from there but can't get him. Christian tries to climb the cage further but Del Rio hits a Samoan Drop from Christian from the top rope. Both men are down. Del Rio when we come back tosses Christian hard into the steel cage. He now uses his feet to press Christian's fallen body against the bottom of the cage. Side suplex by Del Rio who goes for a cover. Two-count. Christian fights back up but is taken down by the head. Del Rio now might be taking too much time before he starts climbing the cage. Alberto is almost out of the cage but Christian is just barely back up and pulls Del Rio off the top of the cage by the ankle.

Captain Charisma is worn and tired too, however. Del Rio chops Christian down with a kick to the leg. The number 1 contender now tries to dart Christian into the wall of the cage but Christian puts on the breaks and hits a reverse DDT. Cover and a two count by ECW's former champion. Del Rio is launched into the cage. Another pin-fall. Two count. Christian is now trying to escape. Del Rio wears him down and hits the running enzuigiri to the head of Christian. Two count. Alberto is trying to talk out of the cage door but Christian hooks the ankle. Del Rio is almost out but Christian snatches the legs and drags Alberto back in. Del Rio is still fighting Christian with what he got. He pauses, looks at the Wrestlemania sign, and is about to lock in the Cross Armbreaker. Unprettier by Christian (hey I like that name better than Killswitch), but he only gets a two-count.

Del Rio uses Christian as a stool to climb on the steel cage when he's hung up on the second rope. Alberto is almost out. Christian tries to catch up and the two men are sitting on top of the cage fighting it out. Del Rio is still fixated on the Wrestlemania sign. Del Rio is climbing out the cage but Christian jumps on his back. Both men are trying to jump out. Christina falls off first and manages to get the win over Del Rio. Alberto is furious and frustrated at this loss.

After losing, Alberto Del Rio, angry threatens to destroy Christian on the mic. He goes for a chair but the horn of his car starts honking. Edge is in the driver's seat. Edge threatens the car. Del Rio flips out. Edge gets cut off by Brodus Clay who sneaks up on him from behind and drops him then way-lays Edge with a chair. Del Rio is now standing over Edge. Alberto hits a conchairto on the arm of Edge. Del Rio mocks Edge as we come to a close. Not a terrible Smackdown. At least it was balanced. It's hard for WWE to have a bad show on the Road to Wrestlemania, give them that much.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com